To expect some kindness and empathy from DH

[Tonytonitonee]

I have been feeling unwell for a while now and am on medication for thyroid issues & a couple of other things. I usually feel horrible, depressed and exhausted.
DH no longer cares. If I tell him how I am feeling he'll listen for a few minutes and then try to change the subject or tell me to go and see a doctor. We have been married for 12 years and have two children. I have been feeling unwell for a few years and have been going to the doctors but nothing seems to work, and I feel like crap.

Today, I was telling him how I was feeling and he was looked bored. I challenged his behaviour & he became defensive, telling he isn't a doctor so he can't help me. He went on to complain that he had his own problems. I understand he is stressed at work but surely he can just listen, even fake interest for 5 minutes.
He is a present and attentive father but he is seriously lacking as a husband.

This sounds incredibly difficult. I have been a carer for an ill person and it nearly killed me.

I sympathise with you OP, however I am in your husbands position. My partner has chronic health conditions and I support him as much as I can, however it is the most draining thing having to listen to someone else's problems for years on end. The constant moaning is so depressing. I can only listen to so much before I shut down because it becomes too much for me, its suffocating, I imagine your husband feels the same.

I've recently separated from my husband after years of having to listen to his constant moaning about his ails and illnesses. I supported him, made his doctor appointments, took on all the household tasks, accompanied him to hospital etc. No problem. But what I couldn't do was listen to him talking and moaning about everything constantly.
It's exhausting, especially when you're a problem solver like me, and there was literally nothing more I could do.

I had to end the marriage for my own mental health

Sure it’s possible. But she said he was lacking as a husband in the context of not giving her enough empathy. He maybe a terrible husband in other ways, but this isn’t one of them.

I'm also on your husband's side.

If the progress is slow you look for other options, different doctors, private treatment, therapies etc.

Listening to people complain 24/7 about how awful their life is is incredibly draining. It sounds like he's doing a lot for the children to reduce your mental load, while also working and listening to you. What else can he do?

Op. Is there any support groups you could call? Maybe others who are in the same group and you could chat to them. Either in real,life, on the phone. Or online, about how Ill you feel on a given day? Even a thread on here, as there will be others like you, then you can still offload and get the empathy and have a platform for telling people?

This is generalisation but men tend to be problem solvers and women tend to want to talk it out. Are there any women in your life who can support you?
Sisters, mum, friends? Also journalling is very helpful.

I'm not a fan of the "partner as therapist"
model. We don't have to download every ache, pain, worry, woe, trigger, childhood trauma, insecurity, etc. onto our romantic partners.

As adults, we need to seek out the proper professional, not dump on those in our immediate circle. It's tiresome and it utterly kills the romance. We needn't share every thought that pops into our heads.

Do we want to be vibrant, interesting partners or droning, tedious Eeyores?

You can't expect one person to be your support system - it doesn't work.

You say your DH listens for a few minutes but then go on to say you want him to fake interest for five minutes. Are you really talking to him about this stuff for 5-10 minutes a day, everyday?

I really feel for you but if you're struggling then you need to go back to your doctor - multiple times if needed - and really push for help and answers. They could even arrange therapy for you if you feel you need to talk to someone.

I'm like your DH in that I don't have a huge amount of patience for people who complain constantly - it gets really boring, really fast and it's like that person is using you for a free therapy session without any consideration about how it's making you feel.

This is partly why my DP’s marriage ended. She was never healthy, always had some symptom or other, constantly at the GP and a&E being told that there was nothing wrong, but that wasn’t good enough.

It’s draining.

And this may not go down well but it is a proven fact that attitude to illness has a major impact on outcome. That doesn’t mean that if you have a serious or terminal illness you’re going to survive if you just smile, but actually taking the time to see the positives, to be positive rather than wallowing in your own misery 24/7 does make a difference to your overall feeling of wellbeing.

I have a life limiting illness and medical professionals have even commented on the fact that I always have a positive outlook. And the reason for that is that that is just who I am. But look further than that and the reality is that the more down you are, the more draining it is for you, never mind those around you.

I have absolutely had days where I’ve wished that this would just kill me. Just to clarify, I’ve never thought I might end things, but more that if I’m going to die of this, then why not now rather than go through ten more years of feeling like this, and then I’ve woken up the next morning and realised that there are good things out there. My family, the fact that there are people out there who are worse off than I am, the fact that I’m alive in the first place, and all of those realisations have had an impact on how I’m feeling, because concentrating on other things means thinking less about the way you feel.

And it takes mental energy to wallow in self pity, it’s exhausting.

Totally agree with your points.

My dad has recently been ill (yes, I do understand that this is different to a chronic illness), and has been wallowing. On Saturday night he was telling me he believes he is at the end of his life because he had a nap.

Come Tuesday he decided to go golfing "one last time" (🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄), came back bouncing off the walls, so so happy and his attitude has changed and he's "suddenly feeling so much better"

I’m with your DH TBH. I’m on the other side, DH has chrons cholitis (sp?) and it makes him tired and feel sick sometimes. He’s constantly moaning that he’s tired and going for early nights. I keep telling him he needs to go to the doctors as it’s exaclty like his last flare up and he just declares that “it’s not that”. OK but I’d bet my life it is and if he doesn’t get treatment, he’ll end up needing surgery or worse. When he feels sick, he won’t eat which I tell him will make him feel more sick but again he insists that’s not it and goes to bed. Fine, don’t listen, just keep moaning and sleeping!

I probably seem unsympathetic now but what’s the point in listening to him when he won’t take on board my suggestions?

Absolutely see both sides here but it is really difficult when you have a condition for which there is no cure and no treatment. You can go to as many doctors as you like but if there is no cure or treatment that’s pretty much it.
It is a really frightening place when you have an illness with no cure.
However, I absolutely agree that a partner is not your therapist. My DP struggled with this for a while. I’m going to be honest and say when you see people around you living ordinary lives, you can feel resentful.
From DP’s side, he is a busy person and I could also see it was too much.
So I got some therapy and joined a support group. I actually accepted what was wrong with me without giving into it. I was lucky enough to attend a pain management programme - I met my tribe. When it’s really bad I have a great friend and we can message each other. What we usually end up doing is crying with laughter.
I can no longer do a lot of things I used to do and my DP shouldn’t feel he can’t go to places because I can’t. If he goes to a gig of a band I like, he will make a few videos and get me a tour t-shirt, for example.
It is about team work, I guess.
It is not perfect, sometimes I probably moan too much, but I do check myself, and we now spend time in each other’s company a lot more.
Actually laughing together and appreciating what we have has now become of real value to both of us.
I have now realised he’s moaning about his health as well but considering all he does for me I am actually happen to listen.

Do you want constructive advice, or do you want people to agree that he is a bit of a cunt, poor you?

Be honest with yourself, you can tell us whatever you want, but if you're not honest with yourself, theres really no point.

How much time do you genuinely spend each day, telling him how crap you feel?

Now, how much time do you spend:

Asking him (and listening) about his day?
Telling him about fun or nice things, positive things?

Focusing on how shit you feel, and droning on about it is not only incredibly difficult to listen to for the other person - particularly if there either is no solution, or if there might be but you're not interested or can't action those ideas yet/ever - but it's also really bad for you too, it makes you focus on the shitty bits, the negative stuff, and as a result, miss any positives.

You may need to make yourself focus on and notice the positives each day - i still have to do this, because honestly, banging on about how I am shattered, I am falling asleep at my desk, I ache all over, I feel sick... it bores ME to death and makes me feel even worse. In my case, there genuinely isn't a solution, this is my life... my partner really can't do more than he already is doing, nor can I.

You can't make your partner listen or be more compassionate or empathetic than they are - if they're an arsehole, then they just are.

All you can do is alter your behaviour and your mind-set. It is the only thing you are in control of. By doing that, you MAY find your partner alters their behaviour, or, you may not and that might mean its actually time to end that relationship.

Honestly, it's maybe 5 minutes a few times a week. It's not 30 minutes every single day. I am just saying him to listen. If I cannot talk about these things with him then who I can discuss these things with.

If I cannot talk about these things with him then who I can discuss these things with.

A support group or a therapist if you can access one?

I think you finding a support group to talk to about it will really help take the pressure off him being the person you talk to. Or even a thread on here with others in the same boat. I know lots of people have found brilliant support on the cancer threads for example.

Then you can get back to talking to your DH about all the other things you talked about before you got ill. This should rebalance the relationship and help you guys reconnect without your illness being a frequent topic of conversation - which probably isn't making either of you feel any better.

I do hope you find answers soon

It's a really painful situation for you both, and counselling, even very short term, could help with coping in a way that doesn't bring your DH down so much. Does your employer offer an EAP programme that would give you some free sessions? Or the GP? If you pay for it, somebody has advised Betterhelp but best to read the negative reviews on Trustpilot first because a lot of clients have had bad experiences. Good luck.

I’d have to say I’d prefer to discuss it for 20 mins every 10 days than 5 every other day.. the monotony of the same thing would be exhausting.

Don't you have any friends who you can discuss this with too?

Honestly, it's maybe 5 minutes a few times a week. It's not 30 minutes every single day. I am just saying him to listen. If I cannot talk about these things with him then who I can discuss these things with.

Do you not have friends or family you can talk to? What about an online support group or on the health forum here? Or if you're really struggling, it could be helpful to speak to an impartial professional like a therapist.

After a few minutes he gets bored. So would I. No need to repeat all the time. He knows!!!

There we have it. The many posters who accused you of "endless moaning" are proven wrong, just as I thought they would be.
I wonder if any of them will have the decency to apologize. I tend to doubt it. People who make baseless assumptions about other people's lives lack the character to admit an error.

@XChrome no, that's just OP's perspective. To her it probably doesn't seem that long because she's living it. I doubt she's timing her conversation

So random strangers on the internet have a better sense of how much time she spends at it than she does? 🙄
If you're going to disbelieve what the OP says about her own life, why even bother to respond in the first place?
We can only go off the information she gives us. The baseless fantasies one might makes up in one's head about other people's lives are not worth anything. Writing fiction and pretending and one somehow just knows it's fact is beyond silly.

It would be understandable if OP had made inconsistent or flat out unbelievable statements. She hasn't done that at all.