To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

I’m trying to do this now, in my 50’s with my own stuff. Ideally I’d like to whittle it down to two shoe boxes. my dd knows about an exercise book I have with information in it should I die, bank accounts pensions etc. I’m thinking of adding a section explaining my possessions, things like my nans hand crank sewing machine to be offered to my crafty niece, but if she’s doesn’t want it my sewing buddies etc.

a lot of what we have no one would know are DH’s dear mothers things (she died when he was 15). Do the youth of today want heirlooms things, I’m not sure they do. If he goes before me ill be moving things on, if we go together they are going to be shouting.

My parent’s house is going to be hell. They’ve lived there since I was six and told me their loft is full 🤦‍♀️

You could hire a writer or editor to read and transcribe diaries. Might be a nice story on there.
You could bo x for now and put in storage or attic and review in 12 months

When my DF died in the 60s I got rid of all paperwork. I do not have a single photo of him or DM. I really [now] would like the historical stuff

There are people who collect ephemera - written or printed papers of all sorts. Things like greetings cards, letters, schoolbooks, diaries might all be interesting to a collector. It would depend on how comfortable you and your DM would be with a stranger having them, of course, but you could try eBay for anything that you don’t feel is too sensitive.

I am a complete minimalist and I hate clutter, but at the same time I could not bear to throw everything out. You should keep things which are meaningful for you and give you joy to look at. (Also keep anything which might have significant value, like the stamps, but get rid if worthless and sell if high value). However, you have limited space, so decide on a box size you can accommodate (I'm a fan of Really Useful Boxes) and limit yourself to what will fit in that box.

I'd be inclined to keep letters from family (but bin ones from an ex), some diaries in which you and family are mentioned (but bin ones from her childhood). Similarly I'd bin school books and childhood projects, but maybe keep a few of the nicer greetings cards and postcards. Ask yourself "Does this spark happy memories of DM and/or will DS be interested in future?". If the answer is no, bin it.

Can you buy a memory card and take photos of the letters and postcards and any other bits that are sentimental to you? Even pics of ornaments/handbags etc

id get rid of the diaries - they’re not really to be read by others.

family history stuff I would ask around cousins and see if anyone would be interested in them, otherwise I would get rid of those too.

have you had a dementia affected reality I’ve ? I’d guess not.
you don’t have “ dementia recovery “ . It’s a one way , down hill street .

Id keep and read them all. Then scan and bin if I could face it.

however , a s the holder of my parents archive and now some of my in laws maybe I’m not the person to advise 🤣. Seriously I’m spending the winter scanning and labelling photos - and binning the ones I know no one in , for a start !

Could you scan in the letters, diaries and stories, @SinisterBumFacedCat?

I know what you are going through - after my mum passed away, my sister (who lived near her) did most of the house clearing, but we came down so I could help with the really emotional/sentimental stuff, and I brought a lot home with me. It has taken me time, but I didn’t rush things and waited until I was ready to make the tough decisions. Some stuff I am either typing up (her recipes from the folder she kept), or planning to scan in or photograph, but there is a plastic crate full of envelopes full of photos, most of which will be gardens or plants that were of interest to her, but won’t be to my sister or me, or photos of people we don’t know, so I am going to be ruthless - I will keep any of us, or of people we know, but the rest will go.

Just dispose/recyle/donate.

My mum died recently . I've spent the last 5 years clearing her house, then her retirement flat and now her care home room. I've reached the point where I am just binning everything. If I didn't I would leave an equally cluttered home to be a burden for my DC. I am determined not to do that to them.

it's been tough because when we started clearing it was still lockdown and charity shops weren't taking much. I used to have to lie to her and say we had donated or sold furniture when in fact we had to pay house clearers to dispose of it.

I gave anything small that could be useful (she was a dedicated and talented crafter and had rooms full of fabrics, yarns and craft supplies) to local schools, community groups and charities.

I am now down to one room of photos, memorabilia and costume jewellery left in my house and am gradually working through it. My siblings have visited and don't want any of it. Neither do Mums siblings or grandchildren. It meant something to my mum but now it's just tat.

It's sad that as a war baby she spent her life accruing and storing 'stuff' that in the end went to waste but I'm determined this cycle ends here.

I would - and have - kept most of that. Above all I’d keep the diaries. And photographs. If you have to throw something out get rid of the family history notes.

Take photos on your phone of most of it then bin it.

You may feel differently after she has died and want something to feel close to her again?

How about you slowly photograph them all, and upload to a private instagram account, or other social media for photos, like pinterest and then you can look back through it all whenever you need to, and share with others in the family, without having to hold onto it all.

Take them things to her. Memory with dementia is like rolling back, the newest memories are lost first, childhood last. Looking at old things like this could be used in life story work with your mum which can be really beneficial for people with dementia.

Allow yourself a couple of boxes to put historic stuff about her and immediate family in, so the genealogy stuff, the letters and cards.

Probably not the unfinished personal projects though.

Then have a think about what you want to do with them because items kept in a box are really not much use.

Could you make a framed display of a few items, or a scrap book type thing to go with the one she's already made for the family history stuff?

Then whittle those boxes down once you've decided if you are going to make something or just keep a few examples of prettiest/nicest.

By having just a couple of boxes to start with, coming up with a concrete plan of what to do with it and then refining it further, you should end up being a lot more discriminatory about what you keep. If it doesn't fit, something has to go!

Give the family history stuff to someone in your family who is interested. There might be a cousin who would treat it like a treasure trove.

I love family history, so I would love all of that stuff. Is there anyone else in the family who would value this? x

I actually disagree with the taking photos suggestion - this is just digital clutter, and you don't want the stuff so it's not needed.

It's a good idea to take a selection of them to her, especially if there are people at the home who might look through them with her.

Other than this, ask any other relatives if anyone is interested in specific items.

If you can find a local museum or historical society, contact them to ask if they are interested in letters/diaries, postcards or photos.

If everyone says no then just bin what you don't want. It is just stuff. Yes, it's a record of her life and it is unique. But it's also just stuff. It's OK to let it go if it doesn't serve a purpose any more.

Take a moment to think of the things you'd really like to keep - whether on display, or in a storage box. Maybe take the box and tell yourself you can fill it only.
Try not to feel guilty about selling / giving away anything .... think logically, each generation cannot possibly keep everything belonging to the previous generation (especially if you're an only child / few siblings). That's a burden that just grows exponentially.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

I would keep a selection of the letters, older correspondence, school books and diaries. Pick as size of box you can manage and stop when it's full.

You could ask if these people would like the diary: https://massobs.org.uk/the-archive/. But a lot of archives are short of space and have to fully justify the acquisition of new material. If she was connected to a big company or attended a university, you could try their archivist. But also, if trying will make you upset, you don't need to - just get rid.

I'd keep it - they are historical artefacts. After I sold my parents' house the new buyers found a box of diaries in the loft and contacted me via the estate agent. They were my uncle's and cover From 1952 up to the 90s when he died. I haven't read them all yet (they are tiny and the writing is very small) but picked one at random which said 'sausages for tea. Berlin wall has gone up'.

I have a lot of very similar stuff of my mums.

the diaries - I binge read then recycled. My sister wanted the one of her birth year, that was it.

the love letters - I skim read a few then felt intrusive so recycled the lot. Decided they were only meant for my parents eyes.

Family tree - still have the box of notes, etc. I do some family tree stuff too but too busy atm, hope to get back to it in the future when I might scrap some duplicate stuff.

Anything you feel actually passionate about, the beautiful cards for eg, def keep. But come up with a way to appreciate them, not just stuffed in a box somewhere. Framed, hung up, etc.

Other egs of my mums stuff I’ve found hard:

I still have her wedding dress because my siblings haven’t replied specifically to the message about that but I think it can go.

Her beloved teddy - I found a person who refurbs them and gifted it to her.

Quite honestly, I would keep all of the stuff you've listed.

Go through it all over time, and enjoy this glimpse into your mum as she was, and her world.

You can decide at your own pace what you'll keep and what you'll discard.

People don’t recover from dementia. It just gets worse.

I would get a Really Useful box of whatever size you want and limit yourself to what will fit in. Certain things would be easy to get rid of - like the letters from the boyfriend. Keep just what you love. You could digitise things, but then you’d just have digital clutter.