To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

Thanks for this link. Fantastic idea

My mum (90 next year) has started her own clear out as she doesn't want me saddled with clearing loads of stuff - but then, she's fearsomely practical.

Chuck - or take photos then chuck otherwise you are creating a job for your kids in the future

These are absolutely SUCH personal things, and I'm sure each of us will have a different answer for you. IF it were I, I would keep at least the later diaries, possibly the photo negatives, and the genealogical information. Those are the things that the next generation might find interesting, from a family history point of view.

Maybe take some bits to the nursing home for staff to look through with her as an activity. It can be a really useful 'memory lane' type activity for her to engage in, and help the people caring for her to get an idea of what she was like before she became ill.

I’m sorry to read your story. I’m also noting many similarities with my own parents’ belongings left when they died (Mum 10 years ago; Dad 20 years ago). My Mum had kept every single greetings card she, Dad, DB and I received. Then, there are the hundreds of photos. Many are historically fascinating (as well as personally) with albums of my Dad’s tours of India during WW2 and Hamburg. Plus, professional diaries, personal diaries, employment contracts, family letters (some very personal and revealing) etc
I haven’t been able to go through it all while raising 5 children and even now that my youngest is 15 can’t face it/find the time. However, I don’t want to leave it to my DCs.
How do other people manage this?

There will never be recovery from dementia unfortunately.

@CatsnCoffeeetal , I have just had to sort through about 25 boxes from my mums place , as she has entered a care home , she was a hoarder , so I had to deal with things from her parents . I had to be completely brutal , I binned school reports, receipts for furniture from the 1950, s ; lots of photos . I also had to bin boxes and boxes of damp books . At the end of the day , they weren’t my things and as others have said , I didn’t want too leave the job to my children

I wouldn’t be able to part with any of those personal things. If you get rid of them it would be a real shame and I think you would regret it.

First the photo's the are firms that will transfer them to dvd, second anything written buy a scanner scan them bin them, a lot of history, joy of modern tech is the scanner if it can be scanned then scan it and bin it, just away to avoid any junk and keep the memories.

No you don't recover from dementia, But people do have better days occasionally. A lady near us who hadn't spoken or moved independently for several years was inspired to stand up and sing when they started music therapy.

I'm not saying that massive step is possible for everyone but do consider activities that stimulate the brain, it can help.

Can you scan these? Then chuck original

There are ephemera collectors who would have loved those old receipts and things.

I'd work out how much space I could spare, get a suitably sized strong plastic storage box from a stationery store, keep a random sample of the documents and bin everything else. It sadly does not seem at all likely that your mother will have a use for these items in the future, or that anyone else will.

@BettyBardMacDonald , I will be honest , I just wanted the stuff gone , I have a tiny flat and we were tripping over boxes . I didn’t have the mental energy to advertise the items.

It's just that once it's gone, it's GONE.

I remember doing this with my DM when my DGM went into a home. I think in some ways it’s more difficult to have to clear out their house whilst they’re still alive than after they have passed. My DGM was also a hoarder so we also had a lot of stuff to wade through.

No one can really tell you what to keep and what not to keep, only your heart can tell you that. In my case, I kept a few selected items that had extra sentimental value or really reminded me of her. One was a tiny wooden angel that I keep by my bedside so I always think of her every morning. My DM kept a lot of photos. Keeping a few things from the past may also help you to remember your DM in happier times before her diagnosis.

Sending you lots of love and prayers, OP, at this difficult time. x

Not RTFT but there are museums that collect this kind of data. Look at the Mass Observation archive and Museum of Children's Notebooks.

Yes, I do. I had to do it for my mum and then my dad. My mum was easier as it was only a 7hr drive away and in the same country. My dad’s was harder as it was during covid and in a foreign country I had to fly to. For both, it took a lot of work and multiple trips.

ODFOD with the “pompously idealistic” it is a fact that you haven’t inherited Jack shit if the person is still alive. You don’t even have the authority to sell anything unless you have the right POA.

There was nothing wrong with me mentioning the OP had not inherited anything from her mum just yet after she had written things that way. It was for her own sake that I pointed out records need to be kept. There is a legal process.

Yes - I apologise for the pompously idealistic remark. I had just come back from from the clearance and it had been brutal and painful to have to remove a living person’s belongings. I’m afraid I was hurting and lashed out at you. I’m sorry

I’d be tempted to take some of the highlights and frame them in a collage then bin the rest as they’re not meant for anyone else to read I guess.x

It is painful. 😣
I understand and apology accepted.

%Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up^

And that’s one that will NEVER get done! So a very definite get rid. A lot of the rest sounds quite interesting, so would go through more slowly to decide what you would like to keep.

Get rid. This stuff will be a millstone around your neck otherwise.
It's incredibly sad but true.
I'm so sorry, OP

@JMSA , sadly I agree