To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

OP aside from the crate of note and all the school projects, surely the rest would fit into one 'Really Useful Box' type box. Waterproof. Solid. Shove in an attic or garage.

I just wanted to add that I am so sorry about your mother. I know how heart breaking this is and, really, you should do whatever helps you most with her belongings.

I recently cleared my father’s house after his death and threw away all of the type of stuff you listed. Most of it I had previously helped him sort through when his mother passed away. I didn’t want to keep piles of photos and letters from people I had never known and met, and I hated the thought of my daughter having to sort through all of it after my death. It was sad but they had no value for museums etc

I do think it's difficult , this stuff still belongs to your mum but you know she's never going to ask for it or come back to it.

If she was gone I'd ask you to be honest about whether you will ever look at any of it again. Even if you only kept one diary, the results of the family trees, the best cards, etc would they just sit in a box in your loft?

Yes maybe your son or even grandkids might be interested one day but you can't hold onto things just in case.

I'd say to store anything there is a chance of her asking for until after her death and get rid of absolutely everything else.

I kept more of my mums stuff than I should of. But then have started to thin it again a year on. It's easier to make hard desisions at a slower pace.

I'd set yourself maybe one or two storage boxes limit for now then thin out again over time. You can't keep everything. Like you say, depressingly it will need sorting on your death too.

I'd bin most of it tbh but then I'm not overly sentimental. My DF is 91 and I'm dreading having to do this as he's not thrown away a thing in all those years. That said, it might be easier, big skip and all gone. I'd keep a few photos but definitely wouldn't read any letters or diaries, god only knows what you might unearth ....

When I was emptying my parents’ house after they had died, I read something somewhere that stuck - ‘they are their memories, not yours’.

This really helped me. That and the thought that, even if I brought home their saved cards and letters for example, I was going to put them in a box in the loft. Then when I’m dead, my kids are going to go through the same exercise.

So, I was completely ruthless. I threw out pretty much everything. Despite having siblings, the entire job fell to me. Sometimes I’d photograph something I’d think one of them might like and text it to them to ask, but they didn’t want anything apart from one or 2 things. It was nice to read through things (so many school reports!) and then consign them to a bin bag. It was a really cathartic experience and I have no regrets at all.

Would your mother benefit from reminiscing with old diaries etc? If so take a few bits in every time you see her.
I'd personally sort through all the stuff and keep a selection of what is possibly of interest. Ask the wider family if anyone will be carrying on the family history research and would they like the notes.

I would take some time to really go through it for things that’s actually mean something to me. So the letters between your parents for example I would probably keep but old boyfriend letters would be binned. I probably would bin all the negatives and anything that that is related to people never knew or who are not directly related to me.
I’m quite sentimental and a big lover of social history so I find this kind of thing fascinating.

I wouldn't bin it yet. Especially not the photos. I'd stick it all in a big box and put it in the loft. I had to clear my mums house when she went into a care home and kept a lot of sentimental stuff until she died. I felt they still belonged to her while she was still alive.

we got rid except the family history stuff which someone in the family wanted. My father’s letters went in her coffin.

About a year before my Mum died, she asked me to help her go through some papers with a view to getting rid of it.

We started to do this, and unexpectedly I burst into tears, and I'm not a very emotional person. I just felt we were throwing her life away.

Luckily as it happens, because a lot of her papers were connected to the Miners Strikes in the 70s and 80s. Mum had papers relating to contributions made to the strikers, and how it was spent, who was organising The good kitchens, what clothes had been bought for which children, ect. The Miners Museum snatched our hands off when I offered them as exhibits.

I've also got a lot of photos I took from Mums home after she died - they clutter up my house, but I cannot get rid of them.

Come to think of it, I have a coat in my wardrobe that Mum loved. I've not worn it for nearly 20 years, but I cannot get rid of it, because Mum loved it.
So, clearly, I'm not the kind of person you should take advice from. I'd find it very hard to get rid of some of the stuff you mentioned.

I'd scan everything interesting then bin the lot.

I would keep everything, can you rent a small storage unit? My mum was ill very suddenly and I had to go into a caring role overnight. She came to live with me and I had to organise the sale of her house. It all felt overwhelming. I hired a house clearance firm to clear her house. I had taken a few precious photos but I left a lot of sentimental things because I just couldn't cope at the time. I now bitterly regret not keeping much more of her stuff. That stuff is gone forever. There are photos I remember that are now in landfill I guess.

Perhaps store the stuff for 6 months in a storage place and then make decisions over things to dispose of?

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.
Keep. My DH's Nan did daily journals her entire life. They're a treasure of family history and a fascinating look, not just into her past, but life in a bygone era. If your son isn't interested, his children may be.

Old school books and projects of hers.
Bin.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)
Bin

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Keep the letters between your parents. Bin any correspondence from relatives & people your son doesn't know personally. He's not going to care about letters from Great Auntie Beryl or Great Uncle Joe, let alone friends of his Nan's.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

Bin, ditto re relatives/friends he doesn't personally know.

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Bin, other than a handful of the most beautiful ones. Focus on those that were sent by relatives whom your son might know/recognize.

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

Unless you want to tackle the task of figuring out what's what, bin. However, where I am (US) there are companies that specialize in digitizing photos from negatives to a CD or thumb drive. Not sure exactly how much it costs, but may be worth looking in to if you want to preserve them.

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Honestly, I'd probably keep these. Again, you could scan them (or pay to have them scanned) into digital format if you had the time/skill to do so. I don't think they're as meaningful as diaries or your parent's love letters which I think should be kept as originals.

I’ve also got 3 stamp collections I have inherited, hers, stepdad and my grandfather’s. I’ve no interest in stamps bar the arty looking ones.

Please get these valued before you decide to bin or not. My late dad had a random jar of old coins that we were going to divvy up to use as change. My DS1 told us to take them to a coin shop first. Turned out some of them were quite valuable. I'm sure it could be the same with stamps.

And yes, as a PP suggested, check with your extended family to see if they want anything before you bin. With a caveat that if they do want it, they have 2 weeks to pick it up or pay to have it mailed. We had a load of pictures of my cousins that I didn't want to keep. I ended up taking them to my old hometown when I next visited and my cousins had a field day.

It's really hard to get rid of a parent's things. Thank God I had a no nonsense brother who doesn't have a sentimental bone in his body. Otherwise I would have kept every scrap of paper and stick of furniture.

I think rather than approaching it from a ‘what should I keep/what should I throw away?’ perspective you could be guided by what you can reasonably store.

Get one or two boxes that you know you have room for. Decide where you’ll store these.

Then take the boxes and be guided by them. Start by putting the most valuable to you items inside. If you then fill up the boxes but you still want to add items, some things will have to come out of the box. Anything that does not fit is going to go. Let the container make the decision.

In the process of doing it this way I’ll expect you’ll get creative - yes I want the 50s cards but I’ll frame them as wall art. No we don’t need every letter between mum and dad but a few special ones go in the box. Stamp collections get sold, and so on.

I'd keep them but I'm very sentimental.

For things like the diaries and the letters, it'll be a long project but could you digitise them? I just think it would be such a shame to lose them. Scanning things in means they can be kept forever, plus one day you might want to look back on her entries for things about you, even if you can't handle it right now

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.
Keep but review in 10'years or so

Old school books and projects of hers.
Bin
Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)
Bin
Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.
Keep but review in 10 years

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago
Keep but review in 10 years
My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep
Keep the nicest ones, any momentous ones
Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up
I'd keep and attempt to go through them ditch some keep some in the end.

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at. Keep family history is hugely important in my family. On one side we have family photos and histories going back to the 1800s this can only happen with people keeping this stuff and passing it on

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?
Again keep and see how you feel in a decade

On another note. When my gran had dementia one thing she really responded to was things from her past like the old photos, cards and postcards. So maybe take them into the care home and show her what you've found

I would keep most of it to be honest, the diaries and letters especially, plus the photo negatives.

Definitely keep the negatives. You may one day find yourself desperate for a photo of her you never saw before, they don’t take up much space and it might give you peace to discover what’s on there.

I wouldn’t keep (or read) personal diaries and letters, but if you do, that’s the right decision for you.

I’m so sorry you and your lovely mum have been affected by this cruel disease.

Really difficult situation OP. I think I would need to keep these for now, I might regret throwing them out/giving them away.

My advice is to keep the stuff that you want.

I cleared out after my mum died and honestly I wish I'd been more ruthless the first time because the guilt of binning stuff never goes, whether you do it now, next year or in 5 years. You just see it, feel sad and guilty, and then put it back in the box until youre up to poking the wound again and repeating the cycle.

I wouldn't keep any of it.

Thanks, that's really helpful.

This is something I think I will have to deal with in the upcoming years. I did a masters in history and my whole research project based on private letters etc from the late 1700s, I can really see the value in this.

I'd keep it all for now. Then when I've got time and my mind is in a better place, I would look through it all properly and decide what to keep. I wouldn't just bin it though, people love to buy old stuff on eBay - photos, letters, documents, old postcards etc. it's a record of the past.
I love family history so would love stuff like this! If you aren't into it, then there will be someone who is.