To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

When my DM passed away I found a bundle of letters, tied with ribbon, between her and my DF before they married.

I couldn't have just binned them as some on here as suggested. I popped them in the coffin with her, along with a couple of other tiny things that I knew I would feel awful throwing away but that for me were nowhere near as meaningful as they were to her. I felt that was the best choice, her precious things were with her again and I hadn't destroyed or disrepected them.

I assume you don't have space to store everything and make the decision later (not many people do) so my advice is based on that.

Split things into 3 piles - yes (keep) / no / maybe. Then only keep the yes pile. If you're anything like me the 'maybe' pile was huge. But I can't imagine when I would ever have had the time to look through things properly and they would have sat for years as an uncomfortably burden of 'yet another thing I should have done.' And you will have enough of these lists in the period ahead as your Mum continues with her life, and when it ends.

Unless you are really into family history, and have other people around who can help with identification, bin the photos. You won't know who the people are and it can be frustrating having so much that you can never know about.

Choose one or two (or ten) special items. Keep them, treasure them and know that these are only a tiny, tiny glimpse into someone's amazing life.

People will tell you that x, y or z could be really valuable. If you are not aware of a special valuable collection, then you could lose weeks down a rabbit hole. I gave my Dad's coins and stamps to a charity. It could have been someone's amazing lucky and valuable find - if so, then I wish them all the best.

I also think part of the grief process, particularly with dementia, is understanding that some opportunities are lost. Even years after my Mum's death I sometimes regret questions that I didn't ask her: 'How were you related to Aunt Alice?' 'Was there a child born in year x who didn't live long?'. But equally sad is chatting to my FIL with dementia and realising that it's all too late for him to offer historical insight anyway.

Yes when my mum died I get the bits like birth certificates and a few letters and photos plus login details to ancestry.com account. Would've been nice if there were diaries etc. I liked through it all and scanned the stuff. Now it's in a packet . Eventually probably go to my nephew as he's the one most interested

Not much help as I'd keep it all 🙈

I would keep all of that🙈 I love history and that sort of thing would be very special for me

Years ago we managed to stop my MIL from chucking out a 'load of rubbish' that had come from her mother's house and her brother's. When we started to look through it all we found postcards, birthday and Christmas cards from the Somme in WW1, all kinds of interesting and, to us, valuable things. It's now upstairs, waiting for my daughters to have to sort it out!

I wouldn’t bin things until you’d gone through really carefully and were sure.

photos and diaries - keep or donate to historical records

letters - keep between your parents or donate to historical records

half finished projects - possibly consider binning

I would keep a lot of it. I would love to have an insight into the lives of my great grandparents and further back relatives. I don't know why you would assume your son wouldn't be interested?

If you don't want it, the diary project mentioned above , or maybe a school might like so e of the school work for a history project.

I agree with pp that I would keep as much as you can store and reconsider a year after she's died. Also make sure you talk to your son rather than just assuming he doesn't want it.

I would keep the diaries, letters, photo negatives and possibly the stories. Bin everything else

Can’t believe people are suggesting binning the diaries! What an incredible thing to have found. A fascinating insight into the changing times and into her specific life. Of your children and future grandchildren I bet there are some who would absolutely love those eventually.

I have writings and diaries from relatives, some long dead and some ai knew, and it’s no exaggeration to say they are my most treasured possessions. Anything else I could replace.

I would keep the letters, negatives and family history. That’s your family history too, and one day you may be interested in it. People often become interested in family history as they enter old age.

Anything else I would just pick out any beautiful/interesting bits.

If you do get rid of the diaries please please please send them to one of the archive projects for this specific purpose. It’s a part of her that could live forever.

This will be the last generation that has all this paperwork - current generations it's all digital and will be lost when we die. Sad - or a relief for future generations not to hate deal with it?

I love books and exhibitions and so on that have a historical basis and you have the real thing right there...please keep as much as you can; it'll be fascinating for your descendants one day or maybe for a historical novelist or similar.

This is actually the best advice. Don’t decide now.

And digitising stuff is in no way the same. I think if it’s worth keeping it’s worth keeping the actual artefact, with all the history that is attached to it, rather than a pale imitation.

I hope you’re okay and you still have some moments of connection with your mother.

Digitise the best parts and chuck everything else in my opinion.

I would get rid of it all except her letters to and from her husband and anything YOU particularly want to keep. Which is what I did with my parents' stuff (both have alzheimers). I might read dad's letters to her after they have both died, or might just get rid. Sad, but I'm not prepared to allocate my limited head space to it.

Would you consider donating it to the local archives? Family collections say so much about social history! You can put a closure period on it, and it would then be kept safe, but not something you’d have to store yourself.

Tbh I wouldn’t bin anything except maybe the letters from the ex. They’re not really yours to bin. One day you may regret it and want to look at the stuff and be reminded of your mum. You can always bin them later down the line.

Reported this horrible, judgemental, absolutely clueless post. I hope you never have to deal with the pain of having a much loved family member who needs more care than you can give.

What a horrible thing to say. Sometimes a care home is the best place to be for someone. Because guess what - they get care there.

I would keep old letters, postcards, diaries etc. You might not be interested but your children and grandchildren might be thrilled to keep them in the family, think of the long game as documents like that will be the only things left of your grand parents and parents in e.g 75 years time once the next generation dies off and no one living will have memories of them.

I have our stinky old family bible, handed down since the 1850's, no one else wanted it and a second cousin twice removed was going to bin it until I mentioned I would love it!

Most of those memories I'd give to her tbh. She's not dead and they might bring her some comfort.

Can't she keep them in a box in the wardribe of her care home? Wouldn't she enjoy looking through the photos and the postcards and letters?

Having been where you are, it’s the hardest thing to clear out a parent’s house while they are still living, so you have all my sympathy with that.

I came across a lot of stuff which belonged to my grandparents, my parents had obviously found it difficult to clear out, amd had the space to keep it. However I found this stuff easy to move on from me get rid of

Ive kept a lot of my parents things but have said to my kids, they have my express permission to bin it-a gap of a generation makes a big difference.

Going through photos is a job I still have to do (my last parent passed on over 4 years ago) and I intend keeping photos with people in them, and getting rid of photos of places and things.

There were lots of letters between my parents when they were courting, we didn’t read them, but when dad died, they went in the grave (mum died first so was already in there) between their coffins.

If you have the luxury of the space, like I’ve had, keep anything you’re questioning yourself whether you should keep, and take your time at a later date to go through it. 4 years on after dad died (after a year in the care home, so we’d already emptied the house) I’m just about down to knowing that what’s left is what I’m keeping, I’ve just gone back and forth to the boxes, as I’ve been in the mood to go through it….and the luxury of time does make it easier.

I promise you, having come through the hell of dementia with both my parents, the good memories will start to surface, and quite quickly after they’re gone 💐