To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

Schoolbooks - My mil had kept her school books. I sent them back to her old school fir their archives, and got a lovely letter back from the school.

Photos - most vbinned. Only kept those which had some importance - weddings, family holidays etc

family history - chuck if you have a final document. May keep any significant documents - birth certificates etc.

diaries - I’d be tempted to keep if detailed. Wartime diaries would be interesting, for example. However, if they’re are planing diary , rather than written diary, then chuck. or give to museum?

half finished project - chuck

letters - chuck

I would probably keep the diaries, letters, postcards as you might find them comforting or interesting to read after she's gone (or you won't, in which case you can bin them later on). Everything else I'd probably bin.

Indeed. You don’t recover from Dementia, but I will think mistaken wording in this instance. Some stuff can be good to let Dementia patients see, other can trigger all sorts of issues. I am where the OP is at the moment, except my Mum is still at home and we are caring for her. (Every day a challenge, and she’s in the latter stages). We will sort most things when she has gone🥲🥲.

Having recently gone through a very similar situation with my mum, I don't think I could get rid of any of the things that you've described - they would be much too precious to me. I've kept things like that in a couple of big storage boxes, together with what I know were my mums most precious ornaments. Many of her things weren't to my taste, but they were her treasures and I can't part with them. I go through the boxes from time to time and weed out some things that I feel able to give away but it helps me to feel close to her to have letters, photos, cars etc.

Many years ago, I inherited a big box of my grandma's letters, photos, autograph books ration books etc, and they have given me such a lovely insight into life in the early 1900s and in both world wars. They are completely irreplaceable.

@SinisterBumFacedCat , very difficult and I feel for you. I think I would find a way to store these things. Perhaps the garage at her house, your garage, a loft or failing that use some of the money from renting out her property to rent a small storage unit. I’ve been where you are and it’s so difficult to think straight. Then when you are ready you can approach them again. In the meantime I suggest if you can that you consider which documents you would be happy to keep digitally and then perhaps have them committed at some point to digital storage, I’m quite old some I’m thinking DVD but I’m sure there’s a more modern version. Good luck. X

I'm thinking of turning the pile of family grave deeds and black edged death notifications going back almost 200 years into a Halloween decoration. Decoupaged screen, possibly.

Noone else has the slightest interest or clue who these people were and I honestly don't think even the most desperate museum would want them. Tracey Emin, look out.

Don't throw anything away.

It all sounds like treasure.

I think I would get rid of all of it. We are both mid 60s and are downsizing partly due to mobility issues and omg the amount of stuff we have to go through. I have at least 25 photo albums some with people I can't even remember now and our kids definitely won't know them.
We have a lot of dds school stuff (she's 35) so she has taken photos of stuff she made and most of that is going to the tip. I must say it's nice looking back at stuff but unfortunately none of us own a TARDIS.

Maybe keep some things and send them with her when the time comes?

I got rid of all the stuff, letters especially - they were not mine to read.

I have done exactly what you are doing now, clearing out a house of someone's things and possessions while they are still living. My mum had dementia and I too had to rent her house out.
I've written a diary since I was 12 after encouragement from my dad as he'd kept a diary from 14 . So I kept his diaries because some of those corresponded with my diaries and mum hadn't done anything with them after he died. I still look at them. My dad wasn't a heart on the sleeve person so it's about what we did on holidays etc not how he felt which is less intrusive I think to read them.
I took all of the photos home and only kept those with immediate family in them. Like you I had visions of my son doing it otherwise. I set up a family history folder and kept copies of birth and death certificates, apart from that I was ruthless at shredding stuff.
We all know p60's are important to keep but my mum had mine from my Saturday job in 1977.
Dementia is a one way street, my mum wasn't going to suddenly ask for stuff that she could no longer remember but I flooded her room with photos going back to her childhood and we used to look at them and I'd talk about the people in them. There is no right or wrong way of doing it and it's a bastard, the only good thing is you only have to do it once and she passed away after 2 years in the home, clearing out that was a peace of cake after the marathon that was a 3 bedroom house.

I have kept hold of a few old local newspaper articles. One had a really funny story about a gang boys attempting to raid a sweet shop. Another with a front page story about my great grandfather having a fist fight with his brother in the street and calling him a “murderer”!? 😱

We'll be in the same situation with my MILs house very soon. It's absolutely stuffed to the brim with old family items.

I've recently read 'The Swedish Art of Death Cleaning' and would like to only leave a very small amount for my children to sort through.

Watch Swedish death cleaning. The legacy we leave after we pass can take a terrible toll on our loved ones. Even having to do it now is hard. Photograph what you can. Keep a few special things and get rid of the rest. Then start looking at your own legacy

I had to do this...

My dm kept everything and was really sentimental. She had loads of photos of people I have nothing to do with. It was tough but I chucked loads of stuff unless it was actually relevant to my relationship with her, and managed to reduce that to one small box.

My DF, who lived separately, has recently moved house so I encouraged him to get rid of as much crap as possible!

I had to do this for my DGM and it's very hard. She kept letters, photographs and her DFs diaries. My DA had most of it.

Could you box it all up and do it another time? It's so hard clearing a house when you are so stressed.

I think I would probably keep the diaries, letters, family history. Bin school work and photos of people you don't know. Maybe see if the telegrams (depending on when from) and stamp collections are of any worth to local history bods.

I can't imagine binning most of these things myself, but then I have spent many years researching my family history and I would love to have these every day things to bring my ancestors to life. Both sets of my grandparents lost literally everything when their houses were destroyed by bombs in the 2WW so I am very aware of how irreplaceable such personal belongings are.

If you do decide to get rid of things I'd strongly suggest asking the wider family first if anyone wants them. I suspect anyone interested in family history would be delighted to take a lot of it off your hands.

I’ve been there and it’s bloody heartbreaking. My suggestion, based on what I did, is keep the lot for the time being. Put it all away somewhere if you possibly can - I went to the lengths of hiring a small storage unit - and forget about it for the time being. You’ll feel more capable of dealing with sorting it out when you’re less stressed and emotional. We rarely make good decisions when our hearts are breaking. 💐

I would keep all the personal things in a box, or boxes, until after she died.

Dementia causes a weird, almost multi staged grief when you lose someone a bit at a time, often they are totally lost to you cognitively long before they are lose physically.

Make the decisions about personal stuff after she dies in care your feelings change.

Don't chuck the stamp collections - there can be a lot of money in stamps. My FIL had what was called a 'very basic collection' when it was valued, but it was still worth £1000!!

My DH died in 2022, I decided to bin his diaries, his scrapbooks, most of the photos as there were multiple prints of the same view etc. Letters went, as did a lot of personal stuff that I knew my kids would never want to see.
I kept some stuff that I thought would interest our kids, but truthfully, I was very harsh and got rid of 95% of it. At the end of the day, I don't want to leave a problem for our kids to sort.
I'm sorry you have to do this, it's very painful for you.

The school books and projects and the working notes for the family tree I would bin. You have the completed family tree. You don't need the notes. Presumably you aren't some historically significant family. The completed version is all you need
The school books are really not that interesting. Anyone interested in history would find the letters and diary more interesting.
Only maybe keep 2-3 school books if they are crammed full of stuff. The others bin.
But keep letters and diaries

Get 1 box you can easily pick up/ store and put a selection in there. What doesn't fit you can get rid of (definitely get rid of the school projects and books). Just because someone chose to keep a lot of stuff the future generations don't then need to preserve it for all eternity.

Personally, I might not even keep a stored box. I keep one or two photos or items from a family member on display in my home so I can look at it or point it out to my kids and talk about them.

I’d keep most of it for now, then go through it at a later date (after your DM has passed).
Old school reports, holiday pics and the like can be binned.
For various reasons, my parents had very little from their own parents and I feel that’s a shame.

I couldn’t get rid of any of these items but I am very nostalgic and love looking back over things. I appreciate it’s really difficult OP. If you’re undecided I wouldn’t do anything yet if you can store them.