To ask if you would bin this stuff from my mother house

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

Sorry, this is very long. My DM has Alzheimer’s and moved into a care home last year. It’s been heartbreaking really. I’ve been all over the Dementia and Elderly parents threads over the last few years looking for advice. For a long time she was like my best friend, we used to go clubbing together even. However my brain has shut off a lot of my old memories of the nice times and all I can associate with her now is stressful visits and her sharp decline. It’s horrendous.
Meanwhile I have been clearing her house out for possible renting/selling to help pay for care costs. I feel like it’s taken me ages to do, I‘ve had all sorts of health issues and Covid twice. Also Mum was the world’s tidiest hoarder so the first chunk of sorting was generally getting rid of rubbish she’d refused to throw away and things she’d brought multiple times. I also had to clear out a lot of my deceased stepdad’s stuff she’d never gone through. The furniture has finally gone off to good homes. I’m now down to the most emotional stuff that I’ve purposefully left till last, a lot of it I can’t bring myself to chuck out of guilt however I’m limited on space in my house, I have enough of my own life admin to go through and chuck out. I keep imagining my son going through all my stuff one day and thinking, why did she keep all this junk?! So I wanted to ask what you would keep if it was your Mum? Baring in mind, she is still alive, and although she’s not going to make some miracle recovery and return home it’s not the same as clearing out a dead relative’s possessions, so what would you do with the following:

Old diaries-going right back to when she was a child to just before she got ill.

Old school books and projects of hers.

Projects she did for fun as a kid (little books/unfinished short historical stories)

Letters between my teenage parents (cringey but also very sweet) old long dead family members and friends she lost touch with over the years, plus lots of letters from an ex boyfriend.

Letters and telegrams from my Nans correspondence with long dead relatives from many years ago

My Nans collection of greetings cards! Actually some of these are properly beautiful 1950’s Christmas cards I definitely want to keep

Film negatives of photos, no idea if I have the prints but it would be a big job to match up

A crate of notes my Mum made whilst researching her family history. She produced a final document for everyone in the family with all the important information in. But this crate is full of folders of notes (all in pencil), maps, old documents that feel exhausted looking at.

Amongst this stuff I have found a few gems, letters from my paternal grandfather who died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of but he sounded so lovely. Postcards of old seaside towns in the 1980s that take me right back to childhood holidays. But I’m very aware that one day my DS will be sorting through my stuff and wonder why I’ve kept 3 generations of stuff. Would you chuck it all or keep any of the above?

I don’t. There’s no hurry. Hasty decisions are rarely the right ones.

SummerFeverVenice

I have not done an inventory. Just another way I have fucked this up. Most of her stuff was from charity shops and went back to them. No highly priced items. Just 500 multiple note pads, or hair bands, or nail clippers, hidden all over the house, under old newspapers and crumpled tissues. I couldn’t put everything from her house into mine and still be able to move around. I think if I’d started an inventory I will be no further than halfway clearing her bedroom and the rest of the house would still be as it was when she left.

I’m not treating this stuff like I have inherited it already, I am just the only person taking responsibility for it. She is not going to get better but I am well aware she is still here and may even outlive me. But she doesn’t need any of this anymore. Engaging her in an activity usually makes her more distressed, agitated and sometimes violent. Piling boxes of half finished school projects into her room won’t help anyone.

Brutally, I’d bin the lot bar any stunning cards. (Stick them in an album/scrapbook) Anything hugely sentimental to you is worth considering, but I’d say it’s pointless wondering if you should keep them for her sake. 😢

I’m dreading this when my mum goes, particularly as she’s 5 hours away, fortunately she’s hale and hearty at 86. She downsized a couple of years ago and got rid of a great deal. She still has tons of photos, all jumbled up in albums. I went through them in summer and took a few meaningful photos.

It's really hard, especially with dementia. My mother had a box of this stuff from my gran, she put it up in the loft and it stayed there until she died and then I inherited it. Now my mum's box is next to my gran's box in my loft...

My Nan was just the same - dozens of scissors, tube maps, stockings, you name it. All stashed in places so safe she forgot where or forgot she had them, so bought more. It was heartbreaking clearing everything out.

Oh OP, sending you massive hugs… x

You have absolutely NOT ‘fucked up’, @SinisterBumFacedCat. It would be lovely to have the time to consider every single item’s worth and value, before making a decision on where it should go - but for the majority of us, this is simply not practical.

When we cleared out my late mum’s house, my sister found towels, sheets and clothes she had ordered from catalogues and were still in their wrapping. And she probably had well over a thousand books, some of which had to go to specific recipients - but after my sister had kept the ones she wanted, and I’d done the same, the rest of the books just had to go. Dsis was doing most of it on her own, so she didn’t have the luxury of being sentimental about everything - she had to be ruthless.

Neither she nor I had the space to store everything, whilst we went through it all - and we certainly didn’t make an inventory of it all - just the things that had a value and had to be included in the will calculations.

You are dealing with a lot at the moment, and you can only do what is possible, whilst looking after yourself and everything else you have on your plate. Please don’t beat yourself up.

Historians (and future generations in your family) would thank you for keeping the diaries, letters and cards. Bin the rest. If you have the report on the family history, keep that and get rid of the notes. She will have used anything of importance. Sell the stamps!

Keep the diaries, bin just about everything else, would be my take.

I feel for you, OP.

When my DM died, the council expected me to get the house cleared and the keys handed back in a fortnight, so I had no choice but to be ruthless. If I'd been able to do it at my leisure, I'd probably still be doing it and she died in 2010!

There were my father's payslips going back to the early 1950s, all our school reports, endless bags of shite saved "because it might come in handy", like plugs removed from long gone electrical appliances in the days when things didn't come with plugs attached, and enough old newspapers to start my own paper recycling plant.

I just had to be really ruthless, and kept very little: her wedding rings (DF bought her a second one because her first one had worn very thin), a couple of her drawings, a few photos, my dad's vintage Burberry raincoat which DP took to wearing and very little else, although my brother kept pa's gold Dunhill lighter.

The only thing I regret not keeping was their beautiful bedroom furniture: light oak and very modern when it was bought from Waring & Gillow in 1954 and really incredibly stylish now, but I had absolutely nowhere to store it, so had to let it go.

It's a really tough thing to do, it felt very much as though I was closing the door on an awful lot of my own life, if that makes any sense.

When you're clearing the house it's your second parent who has died or gone into residential care, which makes it much harder.

To be honest, I'm glad that* *I was clearing a council house and it had to be done quickly. And I don't have a loft or garage so only a few things were kept.

Unlike most people on here, it seems, I would find it upsetting rather than comforting to read diaries and letters later. I keep a few photos displayed but don't like going through the box of them that I still have.

And my friends who have kept a lot of stuff ended up shoving it in the loft and never doing anything with it anyway. Their children will probably dump it all.

@MaxandMoritz , I’m in total agreement, I have zero storage and my flat is cluttered already . So I had to be completely brutal

I think maybe I would be inclined just to keep one or two of each of these things or a very small selection that you can put into a keep safe box and then get rid of the rest. It’s really tricky because everybody has different views on this kind of thing, but I think you need to go with your heart and perhaps so as not to avoid disappointment in the future, just keep a very small selection of her things. I wish you all the best.

Had some interesting things found during clearing out various late relatives’ homes. Best one was my late DGA and DGU. Found various electrical items either in its original box or in larger boxes of other stuff. With a note saying ‘toaster - broken’ and think I remember seeing 4 others. Putting broken items away in the loft will not suddenly make them work again.

Then another relative found a suitcase of clothing she wore in the late 60s. She remembered asking her parents to take the clothes to the jumble sale about 30 years prior! Moved twice in the meantime

My mum sorted out the photos from my late DGA and my grandmother. They took LOADS! Got rid of all the scenes, various photos of the same family shot (we don’t need 20 of the same)

I went through the same when my mum went into care and needed to sell her home. It felt wrong binning her possessions as she wasnt dead, and I suppose in the back of my head she might still come home. I boxed up all her personal bits and pieces, ornaments, paperwork, photos etc and stored them under my bed! She has since died and am getting rid of her things one box at a time. The longer it goes the less sentiment is attached to them, so it is making it easier for me to be ruthless.

Dementia is an awful thing to witness. At the end of the day, you just need to do what you think you can cope with. No need to hurry if disposing of her things now will bring you anguish x

Edited to say that I have kept some photos of my nana and my mum, am making a 'family tree' of photos for my son so he can see 3 generations back when I have gone. All in one album. Will leave it up to him if he wants to chuck in the bin!

You don't need to keep anything. It's not your job to curate her stuff.

Quite,I don't expect my kids to want anything of mine

When my GM died my mum had to clear out her house and she vowed she’d never wish any of her own children to have to do the same when she goes. There was SO much to get rid of, most of which would have meant nothing to me (cards/postcards etc). We’ve recently started clearing my mums attic with things that have been up there for nearly 40 years! We’ve kept home videos/photos as my own children would love to see me as a child but I can’t imagine their children or grandchildren would want to see them in years to come. It’s a tough decision, maybe with the old cards you can cut the fronts off? I know lots of people who design their own cards appreciate any craft bits you may wish to donate them? Good luck.

I would just keep anything that either appeals to you and you want to keep for sentimental reasons or you think might be good for reminiscing with her. People with dementia often still retain their long term memories for quite a long time.
You wouldn’t be unreasonable to get rid of all of it if you aren’t the sentimental type and don’t have the room. Be sure to offer it to anyone else who might be interested though or you might risk a family war in the future!
Much if it you could take photos of or scan if you wanted to.

Do you think any of it might be interesting for a museum / historical club? I can imagine the diaries and letters might be interesting for historians if they give accounts of events that happened at the time.

I wouldn’t hold on to any of it personally. But I’m very much a declutterer. If you do want to hold on to some of it, make sure it fits in one shoebox.

I’d go through and photograph every letter and file away

id keep the diary collection

id not keep the “projects”

the family history id have a sort through and keep any certificates or baptism/burial records of originals

I would want to keep some of these things as it's family history. Letters from old boyfriends I would bin. Once it's gone, it's gone. Agree with others maybe digitise it. Could it be saved on Ancestry or similar site.
Things like stamps could be sold on Ebay or a local auction house.
Your area will have a records storage place, not sure if they may be interested.
Maybe ask on a local Facebook group if someone would be interested in helping to sort, digitise, filter what to physically keep, there may be someone who would love to do this.
Reading some things to mum would be lovely, you may not know if she is hearing or understanding but it won't harm and is a good way of you reading things but also connecting with mum.

I’m not sure who said it now (there’s too many posts now to search through), but someone said upthread (near the beginning?), something along the lines that, ‘…it’s their memories, not yours’. This has really resonated with me, and I plan to write it down to remember it.

It’s a good mantra to go by.

You absolutely have not ‘fucked up’. Unless it’s a house full of antiques, valuable jewellery and art, never heard of anyone doing an inventory. You’re doing your absolute best and that’s all you can do.