To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

Can you try and WFH more, or get a more flexible working schedule? I can't blame you for feeling exhausted. You need to try and delegate to the cleaner though, and maybe a few hours of childcare a week? I hope you can continue to work if you want to, but maybe at a reduced rate?

I worked full time from my first being six months old, at one point I was full time with a 3.5 Yr old and a 6 month old!
I have never had a cleaner, I clean before work in a morning to keep on top of things.
It is perfectly possible to work full time, keep a clean home and attend extra curriculars with the kids, you just need a routine that works and to be prepared to be shattered for the next 15 years!

Not sure how much help I can be- but I want to sympathise; I don’t think life is meant to be this way!

Hopefully others will be along with tips, problem is all the batch cooking and decluttering and getting up half an hour early (can’t do that anyway as smallest cosleeps and wakes when I do), and following the organised mum method, and sorting uniforms the night before etc etc etc is in itself tiring and then one small spanner is thrown in (last minute school trip/project/dress up day, sudden illness, work emergency, car breakdown, toothache, someone’s shoes are too small overnight- etc etc- and it all falls apart again! Following with interest through as I’m in the same boat, it’s hard.

Is the 16 mth old in nursery 3 days a week? Could you drop 1 day and use a nanny for that day. Might be more expensive but worth it to continue working. I did that mid week and really helped having one day where I could just go to work and not worry about getting kids dressed and out of the house. Then when I got home the nanny had fed them and cooked a meal for us.

Also meant if the youngest was ill and had to be off for the 48hr rule then I only missed one day of work.

Life is not designed for both parents of two small kids to be at work but unfortunately this country is now so expensive that that is the only choice for so many. YANBU.

Does cosleeping help? Worked for me to survive when I was first back at work. If a cleaner doesn't help, how about someone doing the laundry? Batch cooking for you? Or find a cleaner who tidies as well as cleans. Basically anything they you can outsource that will reduce your stress levels.

Can your partner change his hours so he leaves at 8am and gets home at 8pm so he could do the morning drop off and then you could do pick up only?

why doesn’t having a cleaner help? Things do need to be tidied before the cleaner comes but even if that takes 1 hr you’ve still got a time saving if the cleaner cleans for 3 or 4 hours?

supermarket delivery if you’re not doing that already also offers a time saving.

And just grit your teeth and get through it. Do the best you can with the time you have. Before covid I was in the office 4 days a week (doing pick ups only as suggested above while husband did drop off) with at least an hour’s commute each way and had Fridays off. I don’t know how we did it but we did. It doesn’t last forever.

I know it's exhausting - but - please don't give up your job.

Like so many other women, I never thought it would happen to me, but my ex cheated and started behaving (even more) badly, and it was only because I'd struggled through and kept my job (despite definitely being where you are - he didn't help around the house and travelled a lot for work) that I knew I'd be fine (and am fine) when I ended it. I had enough to look after the kids while he resisted paying decent maintenance, enough to pay for a lawyer to fight for a fair settlement, and a pension so doing all this won't leave me in poverty when I'm old.

Thanks. Unfortunately I can’t wfh at all; it just isn’t an option in my role!

I do sometimes clean a bit in the morning but lately it just has t been possible.

I sympathise OP, I’ve been there and felt the same. My kids are a bit older now (5 and 8) and it’s easier as I have time to get all the housework and life admin done on the two days I don’t work and they’re at school.

I guess in your situation, my question would be is your DH earning a lot of money? If he is out of the house 7-7 five days a week, I would hope that he is. If so, could you look into paying for alternative childcare which would make things easier e.g. a nanny? Or someone to do pick ups and drop offs? Or could you put the kids in nursery on one of your non-working days to allow you to catch up a bit?

If he’s not earning a lot of money then I think he needs to look seriously at more flexible jobs which would at least allow him to be more helpful at home in the mornings and share some of the drop offs and pick ups.

DH has to be in the office 9-530, it’s just how it is.

Cleaners … I know some people love them but I find tidying for them frantic and then they cancel or rearrange and you have to do it all again and they never do a proper job (ime anyway.)

I do manage to keep on top of it by having my older child do an extra preschool session but it isn’t easy.

Also before bed can your partner get everything ready for the kids for the morning? Outfits laid out, shoes by the door, bags packed, breakfast things laid out etc? He might be out the house for 12 hours, but plenty of women (myself included) do that and also keep the show on the road for their kids. If it were all ready for you, and you laid your stuff out too, it would make mornings much smoother.

You are 4 days a week at home, DH is at home 2 days. Do the cleaning on those days. Batch cooking. The early years are exhausting but it the absence of disability or illness, it should be possible with a part time job. Have you only returned to work recently? it does take time to get back into the groove!

And here we go. The man's very important job means he can't possibly flex to pull his weight on raising his children

These early years are just brutal. Expensive and exhausting even when both of you are taking equal share of the parenting.

You need to have a very honest chat with DH because it's not OK you're considering leaving work because he isn't able to adapt his work to his family circumstances. Parenting is the responsibility of both parents, even though society isn't set up in any way to support those working parents.

I get it. But fortunately my DH did and still does share the drudgery of child raising equally. Expect more OP.

It doesn’t help now but it gets easier. Keep looking towards that light at the end of the tunnel, it’s there.

Between you both you can get into a good routine. Him being out 7-7 doesn’t mean he doesn’t contribute.

Oh, and the way I deal as a single mother (one day a week with their dad) is uber-organisation.

I only do washing at the weekend, and outfits/uniforms are immediately rolled into bundles (daily outfits) or packed into cloth bags (PE kits) and ironed/hung up (uniforms) so that through the week I don't ever have to think about them. I have enough uniform for every day.

I have a set menu 4 days a week, then rotate the other 3 through familiars/takeaway (if it's been a really long day).

I let my standards drop - hoover once a week max, do the dishwasher as little as possible, clean one room properly at the weekend on a rotation.

I have alarms, so the kids know what has to have been done by when - and yes, it goes to pot at the beginning of each school year, but by 2 weeks in we're a well-oiled machine (yours are a bit young for that admittedly - although the 3 year old can get started)

I also taught them to get their own breakfast as early as I could - it started with me leaving out something in a packet (croissant, or pot of chopped fruit in the fridge) that they could just get for themselves, and now it's grown to them getting their own breakfast (and lunch at the weekend) and in the holidays, they each cook one dinner a week too. It both takes the load off me, and helps them learn how to take care of themselves.

I don’t know how you manage only doing washing at the weekend - I must have very messy children!

It is relentless and I’m partly just having a wail about the endless rounds of cooking and cleaning and washing and wiping and somehow managing to hold a job down. I am genuinely a bit worried about being managed out.

I’m afraid that all I can say is that this doesn’t last forever. It’s hard, definitely, but it will work out in the end.

All you can do is adjust your expectations of yourself, have an untidy house and learn to turn a blind eye to stuff that’s not important.

Embrace pyjama days, find short cuts that make life easier (robot hoover and slow cooker for me), disengage from battles of wills where appropriate.

Mainly remember the mantra ‘this is temporary’

Lastly, having given those tips.. consider that they came from someone with no help from a partner, and decide if you should be feeling in the same boat - I'd say not....

In my experience it’s the sleep deprivation that makes this feel so unmanageable; when my youngest started sleeping better it felt a hundred times easier and then as they’ve grown I’ve got little snippets of time back which again makes it feel so much better

Get a better cleaner! Ours also does the housekeeping/tidies up if we end up leaving it all a horrible mess one morning. They also do all the beds. Then anything they can’t get to we can do on weekends. Meal prepping on a day you WFH and can DH also wfh more?

I would persist with trying to find a better / more reliable cleaner. I understand definitely that some are flakey and it makes life more stressful, but not all are like that. Put out an advert? Or use a well respected / well reviewed cleaning agency or something?

I hate tidying for the cleaner but I try and do it in chunks. Like 2 nights before they're due I'll go through the house and put away all the clean washing and make sure all dirty is in baskets. So thats that job done. Then the night before I tidy the worst room of clutter (usually that is the living room / dining room) and I do this while having the TV or music on in the evening so it doesn't feel too awful. I pick up toys from my daughter's room while I'm doing her PJ's / bed time routine. Then on the morning they are due I just have the kitchen to clear up and anything else miscellaneous I shove in a big cardboard box and stick it in a cupboard. If I leave all the tidying until right before they're due its horrendous. Just try and break it down over a few days and ensure your partner is doing his bit with this too!!

Im sure you'll get lots of tips on which may make things slightly easier....but I agree with you ...two small children, a dh who works long hours and a house to run is enough work as it is

I Have a 5 year old at school and a 14 month at nursery. Everything is laid out the night before, clothes, bags, water bottles, shoes and coats.

The kids don't leave their bedroom until they are fully dressed. All toys are downstairs so no distractions. They are also dressed by me when they are still sleepy to avoid running around. I am dressed 90 per cent before they wake up. Then I have to drop by bus two kids at two different locations. We live at 7:15am. I do this three days a week as I work one other at home.

Kitchen is cleaned every night and dishwasher loaded. A load of washing is done every night and stuck into the tumble dryer or hung up and the previous night is folded (not put away).

At the weekend my husband hoovers every room. Front room is done twice/three times a week. Bathroom and bedrooms are dusted and clothes put away at the weekend.

Life's hectic, standards are way lower but it's sort of working until someone gets sick.

It really is brutal when they are tiny-I remember it well. My DH worked long hours and my kids never seemed to sleep either-I really empathise.

I think having really good routines is the way to cope and try not to beat yourself up about it. Things like

Get the kids clothes and bags ready the night before.
Do a sweep around tidying up when the kids are in bed every night-that makes the mornings easier. As the kids get bigger, they can help.
Do a load of washing every day you’re not at work. Ignore the laundry on work days.
Do beds and towels at the weekend when there’s two of you-either do them together or one takes the kids out for an hour.
Meal plan in advance-I do my online supermarket shop whilst I’m doing it.