To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

Firstly this is quite common at your life stage - things gradually get better over time

Second- cut corners where you can , drop your standards as much as possible . Basic hygiene - yes - anything else ( ironing , presents , birthday parties , phoning your family , anything other people expect you to do ) no

I'd say solo parenting 6 out of 7 is pretty tough in my option. I'm lucky that I'm married to someone who actually does his equal share but Mumsnet is full of people with lazy arse partners and it makes people think that any form of help is amazing (and he isn't helping her- he's parenting his own kids on those days).

He has a two hour commute?

You need to get a wfh job or DH needs to get a different job.

There are a lot of "has to" and "can't"s in your posts. You're making it all a lot of hard work because you can do the things you say you can't.

The truth is you can change things, you're choosing to find reasons not to. If you want to make a big difference you need to make a big change.

OP I have a weekly cleaner and I genuinely do no housework. I can't remember the last time I did any whatsoever!

I don't understand how outsourcing your cleaning wouldn't save you time? I repeat I have kids and do zero housework but still have a clean house...

It sounds like you've only had bad cleaners so far, we went through quite a few bad ones before we found a good cleaner. But a good cleaner - and as another pp said a nanny - is a godsend.

With a nanny and a cleaner you'd get up - not get any kids ready, not do any cleaning - and just go to work. You could also pay your cleaner to do your laundry.

If you can't afford it ofc, that's different. But if you have the cash and need help, that's your solution.

I'm so frustrated at yet another thread where the DP can't change his hours, has no flexibility and it's the woman keeping on top of all the housework and child rearing but has somehow managed to reduce her hours to be flexible. I'm fed up of reading time and time again of these piss poor husbands that just can't or won't pull their weight at home.

Working and childcare is hard but manageable if you both contribute at home. Regardless of when your husband gets home, he should be helping out putting kids to bed and housework.

I have to admit that I’ve only skimmed the answers as have been doing bath and stories etc but I really don’t want and wasn’t looking for a pile on of DH, I don’t think he could do much more at present, he’s tired too.

We manage and get by but my god it’s relentless and I wish I didn’t have to work so I could actually enjoy my children!

You so made me laugh about cleaning up before the cleaner comes(!) That's so me- wouldn't want cleaner to think I lived like a pig & would clean up before they came LOL!

Couldn't he look for work closer to home? Has he put in a flexible work request?

Lots of people (men) say they have to do certain hours but it's not always the 100% true (my friend's husband tells his family he doesn't get paid carers leave when infact he 100% does)

No advice here sorry, just solidarity! 3YO and 11 month old (who wakes 6-7 times a night), and a FT (thankfully flexible) job, with a partner who has to be out the door at 7. Im hoping it gets easier? 😬

Outsource everything you can for this temporary period in your life. Cleaner, gardener, online shopping. Expensive but remember - temporary. Eat the same food on the same nights. Do simple meals like beans on toast, scrambled eggs, vegetable soup and a pudding. Have a half hour every evening where you and your husband have a blitz round of the house, then get to bed early enough to relax. Do not have impossible standards!

I know from my friendship group - the women have professional office jobs, the men have trades - for us this means I can have flexible working etc, but he is expected to be on site 7.30-4.30, obviously can’t wfh etc. His trade requires two of them to be on site at all times for safety, so he can’t even start later to do drop off as then the team is behind. It’s just inherently a less flexible industry. Mine is one of the decent ones who doesn’t pretend to stay late and genuinely tries to be home as close to 4.30 as possible to do bedtime and clean the house!

Three days a week this should be manageable. But for the immediate future do you have any annual leave you can take to help you take stock?
You need to create a routine that works for you and if that means spending some of your non working days doing housework with the toddler then that will help

It can be possible to balance working full-time and have two young children but of course depends on circumstances. I’ve worked full time since my two were 12 months and it was very tiring but doable. As long as the kitchen is clean and hygienic during the week, the rest of the cleaning can wait til weekends. Prep the childrens’ clothes and bags the night before if possible and push anything you can do during the week to the weekend. It can be done but it isn’t easy. It’s not forever though and they soon grow up and make their own breakfast and get their own clothes ready. Makes it a lot easier. Good luck.

We need his money. Mine isn’t totally insignificant but as much as I hate to say it he earns more and his income has to be secured. Like I say, I really didn’t start the thread to have a go at DH via the back door if you like.

I empathise OP, I think the rushing in and out of work and everyone tired etc when you get home is really really draining.

On a practical level - food deliveries. Have 3-4 quick standard meals you make mid week so you don't have to think. If the kids have a late meal at nursery they don't need a cooked meal on those evenings.

Let them watch TV for 20-30 mins when you get in so you can sit down.

Cleaning at weekends - we both do about an hour, split and alternate jobs.

I often put a wash on in the evening and hang it up in the morning.

Have the kids "help" with chores on the days they're not in childcare - it's easier to involve them in e.g. Cooking than trying to entertain them while you cook.

And mostly try to let go of any expectations of yourself. If your midweek evenings involve falling asleep as soon as the kids are down that's OK. It's frustrating not having any you time, but as others have said it will pass.

If you're only working 3 days a week could you put the baby in childcare for a half day on one of your non-working days and just whizz round the house doing as much cleaning and tidying as you can?

I’m another one who slogged through the painful years and kept working. It saved my life when I had to leave XH

Your DH really should see if he can have some flexible working. Half a day off a week even would give you more breathing space. And remember you/he pays the most tax on the top of income: dropping that may not have too bad a money impact.

and my cleaner is a real help. But my standards are low and I’m happy to have all the toys pushed away in the wrong places.

I think finding the right cleaner is the big one. Some are more prepared than others to do the tidying up too - if you can find one who is happy to put away toys and clothes etc and can live with things not being as you would do it, could make a bit difference. Hard to find the right person but if you explain what help you need the person might be out there

Honestly I find this a bit pathetic. You only work 3 days, there’s two of you. Get on with it. You have 2 days a week to keep on top of house stuff etc Be more organised. Being a parent is a relentless stream of rushing about, cleaning, getting no sleep etc.
I’ve worked full time since DD was 10 months old, going part time is simply not an option, single parent. I’d kill for 2 days off and another adult to share the load.

You're in the trenches with dc that age unfortunately. They make a massive amount of mess at that age and need your input for everything!

What childcare do you use? Nursery will feed them decent food, they don't need breakfast and you don't need to worry about healthy dinners those days.

Have a repertoire of quick and easy meals like jacket potatoes, pasta bake etc.

Cleaning - I don't do much cleaning and honestly so far no-one has died. We have a robot hoover which trundles round at the weekend, I think cleaner people than me do it every day.

It is hard when they are so little. I remember being exhausted and stress. I am glad I keep my job and career though. I was part time for 14 years.

If you can’t/ don’t want to outsource you have to lower your standards. focus on the main things and let everything else go, wait

Do you have any family locally to lean on? If I had my mum locally, she would do some batch cooking for me or do the bedtime routine one evening a week so I could do a hobby (she's awesome but we live in different countries).

I think your DH needs to do more cleaning in the evening and week-ends.

Do you prep your mornings the night before?

You're in the really tough first 2 yrs with your baby so you will feel less ragged once they're a bit older and doesn't need for everything.

Hang in there. xx

I get it. DH earns 4 times what I do and it's hard to rock the boat in those jobs, but with my job comes a 2.30 finish and a day off a week so that's the compromise. However DH does the morning school dropoff because he works both from home, and with a few men who also do the same so it's part of the company culture. It would really, really help you if he could move to a closer job or find something hybrid.

Re: housework I would resign yourself to a slightly chaotic environment for a few years. Clean toilets and clean clothes. Rest is a bonus.

Have you considered doing a childcare course and looking after other children from your home? Would that be a significant drop in income, or could it work?