To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

I'm a single mum working full time and have been since twins were 1 and also had 5 year old. Zero involvement from ex husband

Sometimes you just have to accept it's going to be pretty hard and pretty relentless for a while but it does get better. Nothing last forever - I know that's not the most helpful but honestly all other suggestions are pretty minor when emotionally and mentally you just have to batten down the hatches

Lower your standards
Clean a room a day - doesn't need to be sparkling clean
I stick a wash in when leave in the morning and it goes in the dryer when I get home.
Batch cook
Recipe meals for one pot meals and 5 ingredients
Don't sign kids up for loads of activities

Have you got a tumble dryer? Then buy some more clothes and you can get through tons of laundry at the weekend. Batch cook 2 big meals on your days off or weekend and save enough for 2 working days. Meal plan. Do not cook when dh comes in at 7.

There was a thread similar to this not that long ago, and it turned into a DH bashing thread and I don't get it. It's not a that easy to change jobs/roles/hours as people think. I am in a similar position to you OP, only I do have GP's who are very helpful and do pick up twice a week from childcare which means they get their dinner and bath there and this is so helpful (these days are so much easier) If you could get a nanny or something similar to help you out of an evening/pick up from childcare as others have suggested, it could make things easier. Although all the extra costs add up! My 2 year old DD is still not sleeping through and constantly poorly, and going to work on little sleep is so difficult! You have my sympathy, hope it improves for you soon.

I get that it feels tough, but you're only doing three days a week. What happens on the other four? It's plenty of time to shove one wash on each day and do some batch cooking. Buy a few square casserole dishes and shove food in the freezer. It can come out in the morning, defrost on the side and then in the oven for an hour in the evening.
For the cleaner, just pick tasks that don't need pre-tidying. So - clean the fridge, clean the skirting boards, hoover the stairs, high dusting, behind the sofa etc etc... there's plenty.

Solo parent to ten year old twins from day dot here. Went back to work four days a week from when they were six months. (Although I had a second job that I could do at home in the evenings). Went back to work full time when they went to school. It’s hardcore. Lower those standards - everybody fed, nobody dead is fine. A tumble dryer saved me in terms of washing. I try to clean as I go (a portable Dyson is also a godsend) and I do a full house clean once a fortnight. By the end of the fortnight it’s a tip, but we survive! And train your kids young. My ten year olds put all their washing away. One empties the bins every weekend the other cleans the bathroom every weekend. They help clear the table and load the dishwasher. They help unpack the weekly shop. They live in the house, they help tidy it (appreciate you’re a way off from that, but start them young with tiny jobs). And before anyone leaps on me, they have a lovely childhood sea swimming, having play dates, going to the park, cinema, bike rides etc etc.

It is really hard. My partner works away for several months at a time so it is hard but doable. I clean the bathroom when they're in the bath. I tidy their bedrooms when they're getting ready for bed etc. I do have a cleaner who comes fortnightly but I just try to keep on top of it as I go.
On a Sunday, plonk them in front of a film/ipad etc. and batch cook for the week so that when you get home in the evening, dinner is much quicker. Making a meal plan is an absolute godsend. We have a 4 week rota and I stick to it pretty rigidly. I also eat with the kids.
I work full time and I am usually tired. It's just the way it is. If your husband is home on the weekends, take it in turn to have a lay in and get a routine in place.
You can do it

I'm sorry, but your husband arriving home from work at 7pm still leaves him with plenty of time to contribute, a lot of mothers come home from work at that time and still do dinner and childcare!

Putting that aside, my practical advice is to just lower your standards and accept that the house is not going to be spotless, also have a set dinner menu you make every week and a grocery delivery same time every week with the same ingredients. Alternate between quick meals and ready meals.

I had similar OP, but DC2 was twins. I'd say:

• Sleep train ASAP - hire a reputable sleep consultant if need be, bite the bullet and do it. You'll be far happier and more effective at work.
• Identify what makes morning chaotic and address it. Breakfast messy - have toast and butter. Finding clothes/shoes - put everything on the sofa/kitchen table the evening before, down to socks and undies.
• Buy more basic clothes to ease laundry pressures. I buy black/navy leggings in packs of 10 for example.
• Easier dinners - in this house that would be soup and bread, or an omelette with veg on the side, or a ready meal, or pasta and sauce.
• Have a clear routine for your non-working days. Eg, after breakfast 30 minutes spent processing washing while the kids watch TV. Then out with them, carrying on with day. Evening/while they nap, another household task.
• Declutter. Toys quickly hidden away and then donated if they are outgrown, find an easy outlet for clothes etc outgrown.

Does it @lolit ? The kids are going to bed then, and I’m not long after 🥱

It's really tough OP, relentless is the right word for it, it's exhausting! We do a few things that make life a bit easier for us, little and often in terms of housework, routine and organisation.

Your husband comes in and is in charge of bedtime, whilst he's doing that, you straighten up the kids mess, wash the dishes and start yours and your husbands dinner. Does your washing machine have a timer? If so, put a load in before you go to bed and set the timer so it starts early enough that it's done when you wake up, transfer to drier/radiators when you get up and shove another load in which gets transferred to the drier/when you get in from work. That's the kids in bed, the house tidied up and two loads of washing done per day.

Organisation and routine, everyone's clothes are out and bags are packed the night before, your husband can do this once he's done bed and you're finishing off dinner and when one of you are washing your dinner dishes, the other makes packed lunches for morning. Anything at all to make mornings as simple as possible.

What time do your children wake? Could your husband help with getting them downstairs and getting breakfast?

Make a chore list and you and your husband tackle it together on a Saturday morning, if you divide and conquer it shouldn't take long at all, but ultimately you'll need to lower your standards in terms of your housework for a few years until your kids get a little older.

... and if you don't have a drier, hard recommend for a heated airer.

We’re in a similar situation. I have a four year old and a 17 month old who also doesn’t sleep, and I work four days a week.

We’ve found a good, reliable cleaner. Yes it’s super stressful getting the house tidy before she comes but actually that helps because once a week the house is guaranteed to be tidy, as well as clean!

I meal plan and mainly order online. When we’re really tired and life is particularly hectic then we default to ready meals, jacket potatoes, quick cook pasta and anything you can bung in an over. Not great I know but it makes life easier which makes my mental health easier! We always have a freezer full of food so there is always something to eat at least.

I have rolling lists on my phone of things that need doing an upcoming plans, and a rolling shopping list on our Alexa.

All bags are packed the night before. We tag team at the weekend between get housework done, looking after the kids, and getting a break. One lie in each on the weekend.

I drink a lot of coffee.

We both get an evening a week to do our own thing (more obviously if someone has plans, but as a standard at least one night a week to exercise, see friends etc)

School has now made the juggle harder so we are still finding our feet with the new routine but it’s just about being as organised as possible, and getting help in when you need it if you can afford it. I.E we don’t iron much at all but anything we do want ironing we pay someone to do it.

“Working from home”. Clue is the in the name. If OP feels “Managing kids and house is a FT job” then she cannot work from home as some sort of back door to look after the kids.

You’re doing better than you think.
Arriving on time to work is fine. It’s not late, it’s on time. You don’t need to rush and flap to gain 2 minutes.
DH needs to help/lead the weekend reset with the kids and take them out for an hour or two so you can nap. And vice versa.
You're in the trenches age wise and it won’t be this bad for long!

Agree. He could get three hours of housework in and still be in bed before 11, getting seven hours sleep before arising at 6 to be ready to leave at 7. I'm not sure what the problem is. Two adults with a total of six hours each evening to do childcare/batch cooking/laundry/housecleaning seems like it would be plenty.

Also why can't he clean on Saturday or Sunday mornings?

Op, if you are able put your kids in an extra day a week to nursery or fortnight to give yourself a break! It will all feel much more manageable for you I promise and get a better cleaner xx

He could get 3 hrs of house work in

But who needs 3hrs of housework a day ?!

It will get easier as the children can do more for themselves and you get more time at least on your days off.
For now, lower your standards and cut corners wherever you can.
Bath them once a week at the weekend. Only change their clothes if dirty, otherwise leave them on day and night. Or at least put them to bed in their clothes.
Eat together with the children in the evening - saves a load of time. Cook quick things on work nights like egg on toast beans on toast pizza.
On work days, don't do anything other than food related and washing up.
Reduce the frequency of washing sheets and towels - whatever it is now, double the time between washes, you won't notice the difference in cleanliness but will notice the difference in work.
Similar with other cleaning - double the interval between bathroom cleaning, hoovering etc
Obviously don't iron

I found now mine are 3 and 5 I have a much cleaner house - there just seems to be more time to do it. it's nicer for sure but wouldn't have been worth the stress to keep it this clean when they were really young. I'm.a single parent and work 3 days. Life feels very leisurely these days!

Just do the absolute basics on your work days in terms of the house. Then on your days off, have a clean round when your 16 month is having a nap ( presumably your almost 4 year old has the free nursery hours). Can you work four days each instead of 3 and 5? One Monday - Thursday and the other Tuesday to Friday? Will help share the load a bit.

sorry some other tips -

Robot hoover
Each have a list of jobs - I.E my partner does all the washing and I put it all away. Teamwork is key.

Look for jobs (both of you) which are more flexible - they are out there.

@DinosaurMunch I want “obviously don’t iron” written on a T-shirt!!

My kids are almost exactly the same age as yours and totally agree - it's a massive struggle and I'm absolutely shattered. I work full time but with some flexibility, finishing at 3 twice a week and making up the hours on the other 3 days. No cleaner or additional help, though our childminder definitely makes our life easier as she's reliable and brilliant

I also find the exhaustion adds to the stress eg I lost my debit card this week because I'm not paying enough attention etc

so first, I totally understand how you feel. You are in the parenting trenches, my view is it is about surviving until you can climb out of the trenches. It will get easier. I have cut out a lot of things: meals are simple, I exercise by cycling places as don't have time to myself to exercise etc

can you clean a bit in the evenings? I focus on ensuring the kitchen is clean as that feels the most important.

but yeah, it's a total struggle. Please don't quit though - I think you would regret it when your kids are older

@Clementine1513 In that case I guess she just shouldn't work then. I was trying to think of ways to make things a bit easier, but maybe it's not possible.

I'm a grandmother of now school age kids. I can't help thinking that it is so sad that parents these days are so stressed and overworked. I found it hard having little ones and I didn't go back to work until the youngest went to school aged 5. So many people have commented along the lines of 'you just have to get through it' like it is normal for it to be an ordeal instead of the pleasure it ought to be. I don't know what the answer is however as these days most families need two incomes to survive.

On the three days you work, what can your DH do to make the morning go easier for you ? Can he pack nursery bags the night before, get breakfast things out and ready before he leaves, help getting things sorted after kids are in bed ?? Your DH doesn’t have a monopoly on being tired.

I’d re think the cleaner - if you have to tidy the evening before - if yourself and yourself spent 20 minutes both doing a quick tidy, I’m sure the house would be presentable for your cleaner.