To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

We did @sandyhappypeople and that’s why I’m postponing it as it was horrific tbh … I need to wait until a holiday really.

Having a nanny is an absolute luxury and afforded by the minority. I totally get how u feel exhausted OP. If you really need to work 3 days for financial reasons, then you will just have to deal with it. I'm not being unsympathetic as I appreciate it is exhausting but this is the reality of working life with children. I worked FT since my child was 10 months old (single parent) and life was like a hamster wheel. No car, early starts, dropping off to childminder etc etc.
Take care of yourself, things will get better

No I completely agree with you @GivingitToGod , it’s good to hear honest, direct but kind advice like that.

I managed to work 5 days a week with 3 children (5 years between them all) a husband who was away up to 9 months of the year( often in a conflict zone) i had no family within 250 miles of me at my closest and thousands of miles when i was furthest away.
Not saying you are not organised and focused but my Daughter complained of not enough hours in her day until she checked her daily phone use, 5 hours of scrolling on SM. Be honest with yourself.

I think you’re just tired from lack of sleep. You only work three days so plenty of time for keeping on top of washing and cleaning (or tidying for a cleaner).

Sort the sleep. Problem solved.

@icannotdoeverything you have just described my life for the last 10 years however both parents working full time with 2 young children and no outside support except for nursery.
It made me get organised very quickly, both parents need to be 50/50 for the time they are in thouse/with children.
Meal planning/making double and freezing for another day, Tumble dryer and getting a cleaner alternate weeks saved my soul.
Routine and lower standards also help 👍

It's doable and I have done this (both of us have senior roles with long hours) but you don't sound like you want to work?

It is really hard OP I feel your pain. In term time my DH leaves at 5/6am and gets back at 6pm - 6 days a week - so he is around to help with bedtime but not in the mornings apart from a Sunday. My eldest is now at school and it's a 5/10min drive, I WFH 3 days a week with occasional UK travel. I do all drop offs and pick ups.

DH unloads the dishwasher and puts away all dry washing up from the previous night before he goes to work (he gets up at 4am). Then often does a fair bit of the washing up in the evening too.

I do the following to make things easier:

• have some set meals eg Tuesdays we have stir fry because i haven't got time to cook anything else and Sainsbury's delivery it on a Tuesday 😁
• Sainsbury's home delivery every week same day
• cook for two meals eg chili = chili and pasta the first night and tacos the second
• batch cook and freeze stuff, I do this with stuff like bean burgers, mini nut roasts and then just have to add carb and veg.
• kids clothes are in boxes downstairs - one box each and all their day to day clothes stay in there. School uniforms are in a box inside the box 😁 to keep it separate from normal clothes. Then I have another smaller box which I put eldests uniform in for the next day so I just hand him the box in the morning when he needs to get dressed.
• when youngest was teeny, we paid our neighbour to batch cook for us which was an amazing help
• daily clothes wash which you could start in the morning and then in the evening you or DH sort the previous day dry washing then hang up just washed - I do this while watching TV on my phone (so I can carry it round with me!) or listen to podcast etc - make it a bit enjoyable!
• use boxes for everything to group items and make it easy to tidy and find stuff. E.g. box in the kitchen of cables/chargers,
• make packed lunches the day before, ideally have more than one lunchbox for each child that needs it so you can have tomorrow's ready before that days one comes home.

Has he applied for flexible working? If not why not. I’d look at what adjustments he can make. It’s unfair he’s not doing drop or pick up.

It wasn’t why you started the thread but it is your problem. If your DH was more involved and engaged then your life would be easier.

My DH out earns me by a fair amount and I’m on a good bit above the average salary. He gets both kids ready in the morning, does breakfast, drop offs, finishes early one day a week minimum to do pick up and then a second day gets home just after I come back from pick up rather than the 7pm on his normal full days.

Its entirely possible for men to add flexibility other work schedules in the same way as women do every day.

The more you opt out of work in favour of doing a load of laundry the more you’re putting your DH and his big man job on a pedestal. Your income will lag behind because you’re prioritising him over and over.

It is just hard but it does get easier, first year of nursery is no joke. Thankfully only 3 hard days a week for you though and you need to try and appreciate that - it helps to only have to be somewhere for a time 3 days a week.

DH does need to do what he can when he can so getting the bags ready the night before, online food shopping and meal planning, putting it away, tidying up the toys, batch cooking, a clothes wash a day etc

I presume you can’t get much done when you’re looking after both so all those jobs need to be split between you in your evenings.

you need to get up really early - at least 90 minutes before you leave. Wash your hair the night before. Plan outfits the night before.

it really helps if nursery will feed breakie.

make the most of non working days. Rest!!

I think it’s really important to prioritise your sleep it’s really hard when you are exhausted. Then it’s all about getting ahead and planning. When you are ahead and have everything ready it’s much easier than just reacting to xyz. Little children need directed otherwise they cause chaos then whilst you sort that out chaos ensues elsewhere. You just run around putting out fires and are completely knackered.

Totally agree.

Get a really good cleaner!! I love ours. They even change bed sheets and clean out the fridge. Put feelers out amongst Facebook community boards asking for recommendations. I think without ours the house would be in full blown chaos

I would be a sahp until the youngest is infant school age. It’s not long, goes in a flash. Great memories. It worked out for me.

That is not affordable for the huge majority.

I was actually going to say similar - I often complain I don’t have enough time but if I look at my screen time I spend way more time on my phone than I should!

And I had twins, an older child, 2 dogs and a teaching a career.

Yes, it's "amusing" and tricky but it's about finding ways to manage.

People have this expectation that a child fits in to life as it was before. When you change this expectation and accept that things have to be done differently then things become more manageable.

If you don't adapt/change and keep comparing everything to before then life will feel utterly exhausting.

You find a way to do it because you have to. I went back to work when DD was 9months old, at the time it was FT in the office, since covid I've been able to WFH which admittedly is much easier,

Breakfast barely makes any mess if you keep it simple, toast and a yoghurt, you have a couple of plates, a knife, a couple of spoons and your cups/glasses to wash up. If you don't have time in the morning then it gets added to the dinner time washing.

The house doesn't get messy if you're all out at nursery/school/work so you aren't creating any additional mess during the day.

Washing, in the summer I put a load on as soon as I wake up, then out on the line before leaving for work. In the winter I put it on as soon as I walk through the door after work and then into the tumble dryer. The whole process takes a couple of hours but the bit you are actually actively doing is a couple of minutes to stuff the washer, the same to move to the dryer and then 5-10 minutes to fold. Ironing doesn't happen. When I'm folding/hanging the clothes I bundle it into outfits so there's no faffing around 8n the morning I just grab a hanger or pile and it's everything they need.

Don't put the nursery bag down till you've emptied out any dirty clothes and refilled it with new spares/nappies etc. Then put it in its place knowing it's ready to go in the morning.

Food is ordered online and delivered on the weekend.

Hoover, dust, mop the floor etc I do different things on different days spread across the week and get it done after kid bedtime, it's about 30 mins a day.

I have baskets in the living room and a stair shaped one on the stairs. Pick stuff up as you're moving around the house and throw it in the basket. When the basket is full take it all to where it should be and put the empty basket back.

Weekday dinners need to be easy and quick. Stuff on toast, soup and a sandwich, pasta with jarred sauce or butter, garlic and peas or pesto are perfectly valid evening meals. Not every day but a couple of times a week is just fine. I also like meals I can just throw in the oven with minimal prep like sausage tray bake - sausages, diced onion (bought diced), sliced mushrooms (bought sliced), ready to cook parmentier potatoes, sliced peppers (bought sliced), bit of oil and seasoning. Roast for about 40 mins till everything is cooked to your level of brown and crispy.

Basically you need to make sure that the small amount of time you have is used efficiently so you can minimise house work and dull stuff to maximise family time and fun stuff. Set yourself realistic expectations of what tidy looks like and what a home cooked meal is.

Can you move closer to work? Or can your DH move jobs to be closer to home? That is the biggest factor to a positive work life balance for me as me DH and DS are usually playing in the play park 15 mins after leaving our offices.
Cleaning on the other hand, i tend to procrastinate with 😂

Glad it worked for you - wouldn’t work for my mortgage company though sadly, what a pointless, unhelpful comment.

Is it at all a possibility for you to give up work / take a career break for a while? I understand this isn't always a possibility. If not, then keep your chin up, nothing lasts forever & things will get easier at some point.

Sleep is everything isn't it

Depends . I also became a SAHM when my youngest was born - it made sense partly because I would be paying out for 2 lots of childcare.

Most people I knew who continued working with 2 DC had helpful family to provide childcare. I never had that.

I get that, but it’s not really a helpful comment with someone struggling to juggle work with kids - “oh it goes in a flash, stay at home”. I don’t have family providing childcare either, everyone’s circumstances are different.

Oh come on! Just because you have it harder doesn’t mean others can’t find their circumstances hard !
I have one and a part time job and I find it hard. Maybe I’m older. Maybe I have less energy/am less organised, whatever.

telling someone they are pathetic and to get in with it is a) not nice b) never going to be helpful is it ?