To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

Advertise for a home help so you get someone who tidied and does laundry etc as well as just cleaning?

Or yes, reconsider whether either you both drop to part time (ideal) or one of you stops altogether (but do think about pension contributions and access to money for the non earning parent and consider the job security and job satisfaction of the earning parent)

It is very very hard. But I think lowering your standards regarding cleaning and especially tidying might help. Do you cook? You could cut time by eating more ready-made stuff.
My cleaner has never cancelled in 5 years and is amazing. I think you've been unlucky.

What about a babysitter once a week? If you have no family support, try befriending people in your neighbourhood. We had no family help at all but we've really lucked out with some lovely retired couples in our street acting as proxy grandparents.

Sometimes radical steps have to be taken. I have changed careers completely for more flexibility.

This was the hardest time for me too, a 1 year old and a 4 year old plus work is a lot.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I found with mine we turned a bit of a corner with sleep at 18 months, and everything feels better when you've had a bit more sleep.

Can your DH do a few things in the morning before he leaves, like get breakfast stuff ready on the table or bags sorted for preschool?

One thing we did was our kids had a proper lunch and a very small 'tea' at nursery at about 4. So on nursery days they just had a very simple supper if they were still hungry. Something like toast, crackers and cheese, cereal or porridge.

ugh…I sympathise. Sorry I can’t give advice as I haven’t figured it out myself- whatever I do I’m still knackered. It’s a tiring struggle.

Dh needs to take a week off to sleep train the youngest. We used the pantly pull off method to get them to start to self settle then dh needs at some point to take a week off work and focus on getting the youngest to sleep and change the routines around sleep. If he is tired in the day he can nap.

Perhaps also take time off to get a few systems in place.

Find a cleaner who is fine to tidy up. Be clear that sometimes it will be messy in which case their role is to tidy up more than clean and you accept that on those weeks fewer of the optional jobs will be done.

2 and just turned 4 here. We muddle through - I wfh 2 days a week, as does DH - and I only do 4 days. But I frequently find myself thinking that families just weren’t designed for two working parents. I feel like a bad feminist for saying it, and in our case it’s nothing to do with ‘his important job’ - I earn in 4 days what he earns in 5. If I earned what we both earn, I’d work 5 days and he could be a SAHD. Or the other way around. But our earnings just cover nursery, mortgage, food, bills, clothes (in that order!)

I had a friend who unexpectedly had twins with her second pregnancy and she quit work. Because she earned 25% of the household income and he earned 75%. So it was a no brainer when childcare was factored in. But right now it just feels like we’re hanging on til school. So 1) yanbu and 2) solidarity!

What is your household income now minus childcare and what would it be if you gave up work, including any benefits you would be due.

If it's more working can you use some/most of that money to make life easier. Before or after school sessions, childcare on one of your days off to let you get on top of things, cleaner, quality prepared meals or meal kits.

It really is better to stay in work for your future security, the kids will get easier.

If you give up work make sure dh is paying into a pension for you and that you have equal access to money and leisure time. Even with this if you split be aware you'll be set back in your career.

sorting the sleep would be a massive thing for you. Not an easy fix but get your dh to help- he's also a parent.

I've been there with rubbish sleep and it makes everything so much harder!

What is dh doing when he's home? Working 5 days doesn't mean he can't do housework too.

I've always worked full time, there's no option and just have to manage. Flexible hours are a life saver, but I still have to do a full days work mon-fri. Me and dh do 50/50 and that's not negotiable. If I cook he does the dishes, if he's done the laundry all week I'll hoover and tidy.

It's the lack of sleep more than anything else, that causes the exhaustion. To feel human and viable you need enough sleep so you must catch up on some missed sleep as a priority. On the two weekdays you are at home, make a point of having a nap of an hour minimum. I assume the child sleeps at some point in the day.

This will make a difference to how you feel and your ability to cope with everything. Do the same on either Saturday or Sunday while your husband is at home. You won't know yourself. Someone in my extended family finally got a sleep trainer after over a year of exhaustion. It worked a treat and changed everything.

I feel your pain - solo with kids a similar age (little is 11m) and about to go back to work from maternity leave. I work FT in medicine but have managed to shift my hours to mainly 9-5 and I employ a babysitter when I'm on call. I don't believe in sleep training so I co sleep instead and that's the lifesaver. Did the same first time round with my big one and that definitely allowed me to continue to function. Thankfully she sleeps now! I get zero regular time where I'm not with kids or at work so I take a strategic day of annual leave every few months and just chill/get my hair cut etc.
Part of it is reducing your standards (my house is not as tidy as I'd like) and also trying to be super organised - I batch cook whenever I can and the eldest always had school/nursery lunches. I have way more school uniform than I really need, but that way if laundry gets behind I'm not suddenly rushing. Stuff like that.

It is exhausting. Presumably this was a job that you did full time and then dropped to part time?

I found this period really hard but decent part time jobs are difficult to come by

If you can get through it, it gets better and then the part time option is great.

Now I'm glad I pushed through and I've stayed part time even though they are both in school which is great.

Also those ages are still bloody hard work even if you are at home so also not a bed of roses.

Just trying to provide some reassurance that it does improve but yes, I do remember the exhaustion.

Is it possible to get up a bit earlier and leave / drop kids off a bit earlier so you're not last-minute to work?

It's called life. It's busy. You just need to learn to adapt and when you stop comparing it to pre-children life you'll find it much more manageable.

Just wait until the kids get older and want to go to different activities in the evenings and weekends!!

If you only work 3 days a week, then you have 2 whole days to yourself with the kids to get stuff done then 2 days at the weekends where one of you takes the kids out and the other gets stuff done.

Laundry can be put on any time. Put it on as soon as you get in from work. It can dry indoors over night. Get the kids to help with chores or get the 4 year old to help and the younger one can go safely in the play pen. My twins used to love "helping". Plan meals that are easy to prepare or batch cook and freeze portions.

then you have 2 whole days to yourself with the kids to get stuff done

I don’t have children and even I know that’s amusing with a toddler

It is really hard but your post suggests it's all on you. It shouldn't be. He has to step uo the minute he comes home and at weekends. Make sure he has one major task like cooking or cleaning and that's his. Basically no parent sits down till both are sitting down. It does get better , hang on in there!

Your DH needs to do more. 7pm is not that late to get in from work, I have just got in now myself. In the next 30 - 45 mins I will make dinner, put away some washing, run the hoover round and iron some clothes. I am sure he could manage that.

It's the sleep!! As soon as you get to sleep, everything feels better.

I sympathise! We muddle through; I do 3.5 days a week, would prefer 4, but there’s always something. Routines help a bit but we’ve just emerged from the youngest’s third bout of HFM for the eldest to get noro; it’s not very often we’re actually in the swing of a routine. And when you think you are, something else gets added to the mix like swimming lessons or whatever.

Cleaning in the mornings with a 16 month old? How?! Laughable.

We only manage to muddle through because DP only commutes two days a week and the rest WFH and I WFH and can flex a bit as self-employed, so he shares the school and nursery runs 3x a week. He does all the washing, multiple loads a week – we couldn’t leave it to the weekend if we tried, both children are absolute raccoons. He does the big shop from my meal plan.

Some things that do help: shitloads of uniform and PE kit so the raccoon children can raccoon away and we’re not left frantically digging through laundry midweek for clean stuff. Decluttering ruthlessly so there’s less mess to wade through for our cleaner – I find it massively stressful too but she’s happy to come to a messy house, and unloads and stacks the dishwasher, washes up the breakfast stuff while I’m on the school run. Whereas previously I was frantically tidying beforehand. We get a bit less cleaning in the same time slot as she’s tidying, but it’s better than the nothing I achieve.

Meal plan, batch cook, messy house, children a bit feral and raggedy of toenail. Big calendar and holiday planner and a lot of fish finger, chips and peas type dinners. Accepting the chaos for now. DP pulling his weight with long-distance admin on the days I’m doing all the drop offs and pick ups and bedtimes - so he’ll book the mot, renew the insurance, order the bigger size shoes, all the online stuff, from the train. Divide and conquer.

In practical measures, I found working a day ahead or doubling up useful for tea so it was just ready. Slow cooker also well used and frozen pre cut veg was a good send. No real difference once it's been in 8 hours.

Overnight oats are a very easy work breakfast. Eat it at your desk if job allows and gain a few minutes.

If you don't have one already a battery hoover. It makes cleaning up after toddlers a two minute job.

I made everyone use quick drying towels in winter. I don't iron anything but also did away with ironing basket. I collect from line and fling it on bed. Then it has to be dealt with that day and doesn't build to a massive task.

On my days off we did a lot of park and picnic. The main purpose was that all the mess was outside and it was less hours to destroy the house rather than because I wanted to go to the park!

The night waking does settle but make sure you are taking a decent multivitamin and accept that standards might slip for a while.

Try a housekeeper rather than a cleaner. Tidying for a cleaner just adds to the stress in busy household. You need someone who will muck you out no matter what state they find it in.

Your DH needs to figure out his working situation, he has 2 kids, being out of the house from 7-7 for 5 days and just expecting anyone else to pick up the slack isn’t sustainable. He needs to negotiate some flexibility with his current employer or look elsewhere, either closer to home or with flexibility.
Leaving the house at 7 for a 9 am start is ridiculous.

The answer is not for women to give up their pensions and lifetime earning potential so they have more time to clean and take on the running tasks of a family because their ‘D’H thinks you can have kids with almost no impact on his lifestyle.

Your husband needs to do a lot more, he’s working ( including travel ) for only 60 hours a week out of 168. What is he doing with that 100 hours ? Because you say you are doing the night wakings as well.

You might find that you have more time if you go full time and then divide everything else 50:50.

Can your husband start to look for work closer to home? That is unless he is a very high earner in his current job and then you can stop work or pay to get a load of help in.

This is a problem for both parents to solve. It seems to always be the case that the man can't possibly change his hours or job to make family life better, always the woman who has to run herself ragged.

How does he commute? If on public transport can he at least do things like online shop etc on the commute?

Recycle me please I’m sure being a single parent running a home is really tough but is it really true to say you have ‘no help’ when you also say that you have a kid-free day a week? Also you don’t say whether or not you have any family help?

Hello lovely. My thoughts are that you need to be more kind to yourself & not try to be superwoman. Definitely do not give your job up - after all at work you're allowed to have tea/coffee breaks, are allowed to go to the loo without someone hammering on the door & you are a person, not someone's mum, partner etc. Work gives you financial independence and an identity that you would miss. So, the house is a bit more of a mess than you would prefer it to be, clothes are a bit crumpled. So blooming what? I was a single mum for nearly 10 years - returned to work when DS was 3 months old (I was widowed when PG) work was a life-saver for me, Now, aged 61, I have a pension, a new DH who l love the very bones of & a well-balanced DS who has a work ethic. I batch cooked & always had 5 days-worth of meals in the freezer, my son (now a chef with his own restaurant) learned to cook as soon as he was able to stand on a chair & stir a sauce (closely supervised of course). DS did his own ironing from about the age of 13 & from day 1 learned to clear up after himself - hoovering aged 4 etc etc. But I also had to let my standards of household cleanliness drop - family time much more important than a clean kitchen floor.