To think I can’t manage a job on top of children?

[icannotdoeverything]

I don’t have a choice but hear me out

I work three days a week.

Two children, nearly 4 and 16 months.

DH works five days a week. No option to reduce this: we just can’t afford it. He has quite a lengthy commute so leaves at 7, gets back after 7.

So the mornings are on me to get both children sorted and out as well as myself. It’s always a mad dash and I’m always charging into work last minute which I worry looks bad.

Then the end of the day things are worse as both children are crotchety and tired and argue and fuss and we’re all a bit irritable …

Plus the house, keeping it clean (cleaner doesn’t help, adds to stress: tried that already!)

Managing kids and house is a FT job. I just feel like having a job on top is killing me. Oh and the 16 month old is constantly waking at night, I know I need to sleep train but given it often gets worse before it gets better I haven’t got the stomach yet!

HOW to manage!? I just don’t know but I’m EXHAUSTED!

It’s relentless at this age. The lack of sleep doesn’t help either.

What does your morning routine look like? What time do the kids get up? What time do you get up? And you’re ready before the kids are up and about?

What does your evening routine look like? Do you lay everything out? Do you make the lunches etc?

Maybe some of us can give you some ideas of what could change a little bit.

I should add, I say all this as someone who hated routine but after trying it realised that the relentlessness got a little bit less and easier to tackle by having some in place.

I should also add as well, once put some routine in place, I found that I had enough time to throw a meal in the slow cooker on some mornings which meant the evening wasn’t quite as tricky.

It is really hard. But it doesn’t last forever.

Would you actually prefer not to work and be a SAHP whilst your children are under primary school age?

If so, can you afford it?

If no to either of the above, then what do you think might help?

We were in this situation 8 years ago. My DH was especially unhappy about being away from his kids so long. So he applied for a new role in the organisation that he could do in 4 days and also wfh. The first few years money was too tight for holidays and fancy dinners, but it gave us so much happiness! And after a few years I went back to 4 days and DH got promoted , and now we live our life comfortably . Totally worth it!

It’s hard to see it but the reason so many PPs are mentioning your DH is because he is part of the solution to an easier life. You’re worried about being managed out but a fully supportive husband has a much bigger impact on your career than having kids. Flexible working requests to allow your DH to do the morning drop off while you do the evening pick ups should be looked at properly. I work in a law firm and a significant proportion of the male lawyers with children either start work late or leave early for childcare purposes despite being the breadwinners. Don’t martyr yourself.

1. Your DH has too long a commute. Leaving at 7 to start work at 9 is two hours, its not sustainable with a young family.

1. You need to prep the night before. Dh needs to have the nursery bags ready, outfits ready etc.

1. What time do DC wake? If they wake before he goes, Dh needs to get up earlier to himself ready, so that he's free to pitch in as much as possible getting them ready before he goes. I get a 7am train (have since eldest was 1) on my office days and before i go i help DH dress the kids and i set up breakfast things in kitchen. I get up earlier to do this.

1. Get a cleaner thats happy to tidy as well. They exist. I don't do anything before mine comes.

1. Get a larger washing machine with a 10kg drum.

1. Get a robot hoover.

1. Batch cook on sundays - you & DH take turns to do a batch every other week & make a massive quantity - 4 family meals worth of pasta sauce. Freeze in takeaway tubs.

Can you financially manage you taking a couple of years career break?
It'll get easier when the younger one starts school.

I don't feel pointing out that your husband working hours are one of the main reasons for why you are struggling so much is "a pile on".

I expect he is tired too and his wage is important. However he has other responsibilities. Like being a supportive husband. He is leaving all the work to you because of his hours. They do not work for your family and are running you into the ground.

It's tough but on the other hand, you're NOT working for 4 days of the week? I work 5 days a week and yes it was tough when I went back after the second (at the time DS was 3 and DD 13m) but we coped. I work in a professional role and was having to drive to work at 6.30 after about 4 hours sleep some days. Gradually it got easier. Covid was horrendous but it did mean I went to wfh most of the time which of course helps.
Sometimes the house was/is a mess but I lowered my standards. Kids often get beige food. Shopping is all done online. Joint calendars for everything. I definitely carry a bigger mental load than DH but no way would I give up my career.

What child admin/prep does your husband do before he leaves at 7am?

Get someone into the house to look after them. Same price. No stress.

Maybe @Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated but you know … it just doesn’t feel great when it wasn’t why I started the thread and besides, there’s no plan for him to move on.

It is just a bit exhausting. When hopefully when and not if my youngest starts sleeping through I think things will feel more positive.

Hang on where is your DH part of this challenge. I used to up and out before my exh I left everything out got them up, we both got them ready then I went to work

The same in evening divide and conquer. Buy more clothes to reduce pressure. Divide and conquer at weekend, one heads out for a couple of hours then blitz for hour then chill with coffee for an hour alternative the next day.

It isn't easy but it is doable if both do fair share. We both did 5 days in office back when mine where that age group.

I sympathise, OP!

Things will get better / easier as your little ones get a bit older.
In the meantime could you look around for a nice 6th year schoolgirl or university student who likes children and would be a bit of a ‘mother’s help’ for an hour or two when you get home a couple of times a week? Not too expensive and has worked well for friends.

Your children are too young to be left alone with an unqualified person , but another pair of hands there to keep them safe/ amused and give you five minutes to have a seat and coffee or make dinner would be a godsend. My niece did this for a neighbour with three under 5 ( twins and singleton, poor soul!) as she wanted to be an infant teacher and loved kids.

Ps my DH and i are both very senior, each earning upwards of £150k. There is almost always some flexibility over start or finish times. Lots of people assume their DHs Big Job must be respected at all cost but their DH might be working alongside a bloke who's wife out earns him, where he feels he has to push for flexibility more. Or their DH might be working for a team leader like me, with their own young family, working 4 days a week.

It’s really hard, I went back 4 days a week when mine were 4 and 11 months, 11 month old was a horrific sleeper till she was 3.5 😱 I was so stressed but hang in there, it does get better.

Definitely persist with a cleaner, honestly mine doesn’t do a perfect job but she comes every week without fail and that is a million times better than the flaky ones I had before.

Lower your standards, my house wasn’t super tidy, DIY/gardening had to wait and I cut down on some laundry/used the tumble drier a lot but it wasn’t the end of the world.

Children ate tea at nursery so that made life easier, got a Gousto subscription in lockdown and I still keep that up as it means I don’t have to meal plan/shop as frequently. Online Tesco shop every 2 weeks to stock up so minimal shopping needed in the week for fresh bits. Subscription deliveries of toilet roll (Bumboo) and cleaning supplies (Smol) to reduce the mental load.

Do anything you can afford to make life easier till things get better.

Agreed. I had a Big Job. It was totally possible to do it flexibly. Some of the men at my level also worked flexibly, some very much expected their spouse to pick everything up

Its exhausting.

However if you're exhausted/at breaking point and he's just "tired" the split is wrong.

Sometimes its about expectations as well. My friend finds it all too much but once admitted in the pub that deep down she didn't truly believe she'd work when her children were small, she just assumed somehow she wouldn't have to as her own mum didn't. Whereas my mum always worked, I always expected DH and i would be juggling work and kids.

It’s a man’s world
I have 11DD, 3DD, full time job luckily from home, I’m by default expected to do all the washing, cooking, cleaning, pick ups and drop offs, whilst trying to manage to work, my 3 year old is home every afternoon.
I had a dream the other night someone gave me a pill to sleep for 48 hours and then cleaned my house. Wake up time 😂😂

Your husbands commute is the issue.

He's spending 3.5 hours a day, not at work and not at home.

Can you move closer? Can he get a job nearer home?

3.5 hours a day is 17.5 hours a week. He's spending more time commuting than you are working. No wonder you feel stretched.

Get a cleaner who doesn’t mind some tidying. As long as you are nice, reasonable about your expectations and you pay you will be able to find someone who understands where you’re at and is a genuine help

The bigger my job, the easier it has become to plan my own hours. The reason everyone is mentioning your husband is because you seem to think it's all on you. How would you react if he came to you and said he was at breaking point? What would you do to help him ? You're looking for tips, but 50/50 is the main one. I mean it's RELENTLESS but lots of us did it and emerged

Both my husband and I work full time , and we have two little children.
They both start childcare at 7.20 and have breakfast there. So in the morning it's just up, dressed, teeth, go. Clothes and bags laid out the night before.
One of us makes a slow cooker meal the night before and puts it in before we go out. Each meal makes approx one extra portion which goes in the freezer.
Pick them up by 5.30, they watch TV / potter / annoy me while I get bags ready, put clothes wash on, do dinner.
Then it's a mad dash for bed time and on to a new day!
If I had more cash I'd definitely pay for a cleaner, and that's my goal for when I'm not paying over 2k a month on childcare.

This all makes my life sound very monotonous when it's laid out like this in fact...

Did you sleep train your first?

I'd crack on with that tbh, you'll feel so much better when you can sleep through.

Moving isn’t free, and it isn’t without wider implications. At the moment, no, it isn’t possible, and largely it is about managing.

He does have some flexibility and can wfh on Fridays, which is good. However he is sometimes away which isn’t so good. Sometimes he might be working closer to home, but sometimes much further away. It all depends.