To report my private school friend?

[Reeeeee]

I have a friend, we will call her Polly for the purpose of this thread. Polly and I both send our children to an esteemed private school. This term, we were given the option to pay fees up front, which we both did. Polly gets a sizeable discount for her DD as she is part of the bursary scheme at the school. This morning, Polly and I were discussing the Fees in Advance scheme, and she gleefully told me that she no longer needs to hide her income from the bursar as she won’t be assessed again. She admitted she has been hiding maintenance from her ex (over £1,000 a month) as well as self-employed income.

I do not want to see her DD disadvantaged or for any negative repercussions to befall her. However, I feel livid that my friend has scammed the school in this way. My husband and I work incredibly hard to send our DD to the school and it’s not always easy, we have to make sacrifices and go without. Suffice to say, I won’t be spending time with Polly again.

I'd report it. She is stealing money. I don't understand why anyone would think that's ok.

Child maintenance is not taken into account as income because you could be getting £1000 one month and then £0 the next.
Universal credit don't take it into account so I doubt a school bursey will.
And I doubt very much that you know her exact income from self employment.

I am a private school teacher. All I can say is, with friends like you, who needs enemies? You would be utterly vile to report her. How can you call yourself her friend while even considering such a thing? What would you gain from it?

@DeepRoseFish Wow, that means that in theory, a child with a high earning parent who does pay regular maintenance could get a bursary from money donated by other people for children whose parents can’t afford the fees. That’s bizarre!

I assumed that bursaries would be carefully managed to avoid that. No wonder Polly has tried it on.

@Katielovesteatime Isn’t her boasting about it pretty vile though?

I can see the OP’s dilemma as I probably wouldn’t report it, tbh. But Polly’s the unpleasant one in this, not the OP.

Regular maintenance that could be stopped at any time. Not like a job where you can go and get another one!

You're not a friend. Keep your beak out of it.

@DeepRoseFish People don’t always walk into a new job right away!

Anyway if that’s the way bursaries are calculated, fair enough. Polly’s behaviour just annoys me, she’s deliberately taking donated money from other families.

Why don't you mind your own business? You are so resentful.

The very idea of reporting someone for anything much less than violence is anathema. Never mind reporting a friend.

Lesson to all - DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR FINANCES!

A huge number of independent school parents are plumbers or similar who work cash in hand. OP, your friend is not the only one scamming the school, not by a long shot. A great many of your self employed buddies will be massaging their books to game the system. On the whole, the school know this. They just don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to prove it.

It sounds more like she was telling a so-called "friend" something, in relief. I often tell my friends when I'm relieved or grateful about something. That's what friends are for, no? Sharing things?

The private school aren't going to be hurt by giving this discount. Nobody will be hurt. OP is obviously either jealous of her "friend", or spiteful and wanting everyone to have a worse life than her. At this time, during a cost of living crisis, where everyone is suffering, what kind of person would begrudge a mother saving a bit of money to make her own and her child's life better?

It's just disgusting to consider reporting this. To be honest, the school probably wouldn't investigate, and even if they tried, couldn't prove anything, so hopefully OP wouldn't be able to pull this horrible plan off to get her "friend" in trouble and make hers and her child's life slightly worse financially. Hopefully she will report it, and the "friend" will know what an awful person OP is and cut her off.

This 100%.

I understand why you’re upset but I wouldn’t report it. It’s not fair on her DC who is probably happy and settled.

@Andwhatfreshhellisthis Well that is an absolute nonsense of a bursary calculation and I’d be questioning the quality of education at the school if that’s how they do fees calculations. Any parent could lose their job - it’s absolutely nonsensical to leave income out of a means test on that basis.

And what proportion of bursaries allocated by the private sector go to those children compared with those allocated to the 'right' sort of children front the 'right' backgrounds with parents able to make a case for not quite affording (or wanting to pay) the fees? The OP and others have spoken about reporting this so a 'more deserving' child doesn't lose an opportunity. For this to be a valid concern then it's helpful to know what the chance of this would be. Because if that 'esteemed' school gives them only to children from the same demographic as OPs frirnd anyway, seems little point morally in disrupting the child just to give her place to an equally advantaged child.

Under that logic, no income can be relied on! Anyone could lose their job at anytime. Of you were still married he could lose his job, but I assume they would take it into account then? 🤔🤦‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t be the person who snitches you could potentially destroy her whole life. I get that you’re angry and that she is in the wrong. But do you potentially want to destroy her whole life? Especially in current times.. I’d just stop talking to her tbh.. if it pissed me off that much, I wouldn’t go as far as to grass her up for it. Seems quite childish imo.

That is the way it works with child maintenance it is not taken as a secondary income as it is for the child. It is not reliable as some men decide to stop paying, or pay late or don’t pay atol, then you have to get family courts involved via child maintenance, as legally they need to pay it. Judge is only one who can make them pay it. A surprisingly high amount of men mess about with child maintenance especially if they get a new partner, they then decide they don’t have to pay as much which is bull if a court has decided the amount which is better why the have child maintenance due if being a legal obligation and is a set amount of the fathers wage. So it isn’t reliable unless it’s went to court.

the father if he remarried his new wife’s wage would not be included in what he would pay for child maintenance, due to the child not being hers so she has no responsibilities for the child. Same if the mum was to remarry her new husband wage wouldn’t come into it, he isn’t responsible for the child. So neither the new wife or new husband would be financially responsible for a child whom isn’t theirs. They did not create the child, the child was alive before they met, that person is legally not financially responsible for that child. Imagine you remarried and the ex wife of your husband was taking money for your wage to pay for their child.. there is a difference from blending families and bonding and providing in the household to being financially responsible for a child who isn’t yours.

I love it when well off people say they 'work hard '. Rarely the case. I'd ban all private schools.

I get that, and I agree the step parents income should not be included. BUT they said they would not include money from the biological father “in case he loses his job”. That’s the bit I have an issue with.

Its pathetic isn't it. It's not like she's murdered someone the op was never a real friend and yes 100% some of the threads on this site are a lesson in not telling anyone about your finances.

I know you are livid, I would be too but I don't think you should report her. She could just be blowing hot air and maybe she needs the maintenance money for bills or whatever, you don't know the full story and Pollys child would be the one that suffers. Leave we'll alone, karma will catch up with her at some point if she has scammed the school.

Cash payments. Not only the school might be interested in that one - HMRC is much nastier than any school bursar over hidden income.

If you haven’t got the guts to do it openly, don’t do it. Anonymous reporting is just as sneaky and underhand. Thank goodness I’m not friends with either of you.

I get why you're struggling because you know Polly's DD, but per your own explanation, Polly's actions mean another child has been 'harmed' by not receiving the scholarship. It might help you to reframe it as not being about harming the children but ensuring the support is allocated correctly?