To think stay-at-home parents have it easier than they let on?

[bappening]

I'm tired of hearing stay-at-home parents complain about how hard their day is. AIBU to think that working parents have it harder since they have to juggle work and home life?

It depends on so many factors:

How many children?
Ages of the children?
Any disabilities or SEN?
Single parent - or is there secondary parent support?
Income - is there money to get out of the house and do nice things?

This isn't a straightforward question, because there's so many variables that affect the answer.

I found being a SAHM a lot easier than being a working mum, but each to their own.

If i could afford it financially I would prefer to be a SAHM (especially now they have all grown up, but maybe that would just be retiring early 😂)

I don't know any SAHPs that complain about their lot. I think most acknowledge they are in a very privileged position where the option of SAHP is open to them.

Who complains to you @bappening ?

Agree.

Both have their pros and cons.

I’m a SAHP with a SEN child and have been a working parent and found being a working parent way easier than a SAHP.

I’m looking forward to the time I can put DC3 in nursery. I had way more breaks when I was working, more childfree time, and house was tidier due to no one was in it except for DH wfh and he could put a load on and do bits here and there, and most mess could be tidied after the kids had been put to bed and it would take less than 30 minutes.

Depends on the age of the children, set up and access to resources tbh!

I prefer working to staying at home with my 2 young children and nursery has helped them socially and educationally (they do spanish for instance!).
Both in school I would probably think hmmm that sounds nice!

Either way with parenting your damned if you do damned if you don't!

Go to work comments are "I couldn't bare the thought of someone else bringing up my child......" news flash nursery is not raising your child its a childcare and education setting with objectives and set standards.

Stay at home comments are " oh I would be so bored or I would never want to be reliant on anyone else financially"

Part time work " oh you have the perfect life balance" reality it can be difficult to not feel pressure workload wise with a part time job and then majority of housework falls to you.

Oh look, a Plopper...

My kids are all grown up now, but I was a sahm for quite a long time, on and off (we’ve moved countries a lot), but having three under four was pretty hard work. I used to wait for DH to come home at five to take over he childcare so I could go to work for six hours for a rest. On a massively busy and very heavy orthopaedic trauma ward!
Everyone can look at others’ lives and decide they have it easier, but you can’t know for certain - there are too many variables.

Can I ask why it matters? Why does it have to be a competition?

Surely this is an impossible question because it depends on a bunch of factors, number of children, level of dependency, the job we are comparing to.

But the biggest factor is why on earth does it even matter? Do you need to feel someone has it harder or that you are the one hard done by for a self pat on the back? Stop focussing on others and just focus on you. If its going well, great, enjoy it. If its not then look at how that can change and how you can make things a little easier. Focus on you and your life and stop worrying about the comparison to other people, whose lives are pretty irrelevant to yours.

I don't really think you can compare.
I'm a SAHM to 4 children 4,5,8,10 I home educate all 4 children.
My life very different to a SAHM who's child goes to school.
It is also very different to going to work.
I don't get lunch breaks ect I still cook clean ect but I also provide education to my 4 children.

It depends what sort of personality type you are and relationship dynamic you have I think. I found working so much easier than being home when my eldest was preschool. Time to myself commuting, proper lunch breaks, adult company, etc. And, crucially, no mess when I got home as DH was also out all day. (Once he started working from home and doing lots of childcare I'd regularly come home to a bomb site of housework, mess and laundry.)
If you don't mind a constant cycle of preparing food, cleaning up, entertaining a kid, then yes, staying home might be easier and certainly less guilt attached, but I found it soul-destroying.

It’s not hard in my experience. It’s boring AF though.

I was a SAHM for 7 years. I'd say when I had a baby and a toddler it was really full on, relentless and exhausting. I did briefly go back to work when my first baby was one and that most definitely felt like a break. To me it was easier than being at home with a baby.
However, once the children were older then I found being a SAHM mum easy, to be honest. I did a couple of years as a SAHM mum once the children were at school and I just couldn't justify it! The laundry, cleaning and cooking didn't take me 6 hours a day. Yes, I could meet friends for coffee etc but I just felt a bit lazy really. I'd do my chores very slowly, trying to fill up the time, and I'd see DH slaving away at work!
I now work part time and it's the best of both worlds (for me personally). I have time to do domestic chores but am also earning money and being productive.

I know this is just baiting but I'll answer! I was a SAHM when my children were tiny and, for me, it was much harder work than my current situation (working 4 days a week, one child at primary and one at high school).

Different when the children are older though. I have a good friend who's a SAHM with a high school child - she has an easy and lovely life!

One post, lights touchpaper and retires to a safe distance. OP is on the wind up.

It’s not a competition! Some people find their lives easy, some people find their lives tough. I hate these posts that try to cause division.

I don’t think any parents have it easier than they let on.

90% of my conversations each day are with people who only listen to me 40% of the time. I do not get to go to the loo alone, read a book, keep up with the news.
When I was working, people valued my opinion and actually listened to what I had to say. I used the travel time to read. I would be able to eat a whole meal sitting down, without constantly getting up to wipe up spillages or get another piece of pepper.

Both can be hard, but don't denigrate SAHPs.

I did it all by turn (mine are well into adulthood now). There are pros and cons to each. I was a SAHM wife, a SAHM single parent, a SAHM/university student, a working single parent. Each one had its challenges. I loved being at home with my children, though.

It’s ‘etc’, not ‘ect’.

As in, ‘et cetera’.

Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha!
Breathes
Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha!

Yes, you've sussed me. My stay at home parent life is a fucking breeze! 🤣🤣🤣

Jesus, I needed that laugh.

As a pp said, bit of a misfire for goading as most working parents will be at work on a Wednesday morning.

Im technically a SAHP but not through any active choice. It was when my older two were a baby and toddler as I was made redundant and supported my ex through a very intense retraining program. It wouldn’t have made any financial sense to work myself as we’d have ended up in serious debt. But over that time it became clear that our (then) youngest had severe additional needs, so at the moment I’m a carer. Obviously without a real paycheck each month to many that doesn’t actually count as working (including the paediatrician who put me down as a homemaker in the last report, cheers).

Life is exhausting and relentless. It’s not a couple of hours of chores, watch daytime tv then stroll over to the school run, dinner, bath and bed. In the last three nights Ive had a collective 11 hours sleep as my adhd/ASD children can’t go/stay asleep, I have one child on a reduced timetable so school run starts at 2pm, I have a mountain of paperwork to clear on top of other general life tasks. I’d love to work, but I’m unsure what employment would have me constantly looking like a zombie with children that can’t always manage school at all never mind a full day.

But I also watched my mother struggle with being a working single parent. It’s not easy either, though I’m still hoping one day to return to a ‘proper’ job myself.

Dh has a long commute but by bus so reads / listens to a podcast. He sits on his bum at a computer all day. He pees when he wants and drinks his tea hot. No one dies if he messes up. He does his share of childcare and housework when he's home and has them when I'm out or away. He does virtually every bed time but only bath if I insist.

When I first became a SAHM I had DS, on permanent O2 and tube fed exclusively. I pumped for six months. I did all appts at home and hospital and retained his entire medical history in my head. I did all the hospital sleepovers, except when we did four months solid and then he did Fri and Sat night but I was still there the rest of the time and on call even on those nights. I also did all the play groups etc with O2 cylinders and feed pumps and all the rest of it. I did all the meetings with school to get his 121 sorted, with him in tow as no one felt safe babysitting him. I was responsible for ensuring he had all his meds etc during the day, that he didn't pull his O2 or NG or Gastrostomy out. I also did virtually all night wakes as I wake up faster / DH is largely deaf / ds would settle easier for me.

As DS got old enough for school, I conceived twins. Then COVID. So whilst he helped get everything ready of a morning, it was me trying to home school DS, pump and bottle feed the twins (pumped for four months) and look after twins. For the first year or so (WFH) he'd come and make us lunch. After COVID I was doing school run on foot still with O2 cylinder for DS plus double buggy. Looking after twins all day, doing clubs, still keeping on top of DsS meds, still doing (admittedly fewer) hospital visits and usually with twins with me and doing the running form after-school club. Then studying after kiss bedtime.

So no, he didn't have it harder. Maybe if he was a surgeon / nurse / something equally lifedeathy.

However kids are in school now and although I'm still studying, I appreciate I do largely have it easier now they're 4 and 9

But you are not juggling work and home life. You do one then the other. You don't do both at the same time.

Work life is so much easier as you get lunchtimes and break times where the only person you need to think about is yourself. You can also sit back and think.

Being a SAHP would be massively easier if you got lunchtimes and breaks as it would give thinking time to put in place things to make life easier
Being a SAHP to toddlers is akin to asking someone being a plate spinner and to keep 100 plates in the air for 12 hours per day without a break and if you take your eye off the plates for 5 minutes then there could be destruction or death.

Just the anxiety of remembering to keep the plates spinning makes going to work look easy

I've done a bit of everything through the years. I found my time as a SAHM much easier than being a single working mum. I worked term time while my youngest two were in primary years and I used to love the holidays where we could do everything at our own pace and not be rushing about. I now work full time and my youngest is 15 but it can still be tricky juggling things as a single parent. For example, my daughter should be doing some after school GCSE after school revision groups that could be helpful but she can't get home if she doesn't get the school bus and I work too late to be able to get her after so she had to miss them. If I was a SAHM I could do these things.

Depends on the child/children and the job. Depends on what else you are expected/expect yourself to do apart from parenting. And, like so much else in life, it depends on how much money you have.