To think stay-at-home parents have it easier than they let on?

[bappening]

I'm tired of hearing stay-at-home parents complain about how hard their day is. AIBU to think that working parents have it harder since they have to juggle work and home life?

I was a sahm for 5 years (2 kids, 3 year age gap) and it was just hard in different ways. I’ve been back at work since my eldest started school and I am permanently knackered as the juggling is hard, but I do enjoy having that structure to my day, achieving stuff and of course getting paid. I wouldn’t choose to go back to those relentless days of nappy changes, park trips, messy meals, endless laundry, crying, tantrums.. if I was given the option of being a sahm now, with the kids at school, I don’t know if I’d want to do it. Yes for the free time and chance to do what I actually want for a few hours, but no for the judgement from others, the guilt if my partner was working, the obligation to keep the house perfect.

He is two????

See? Tumbleweed. A whole day passes with no update from OP. She must be proving a point that she’s been far too busy to update (I forget which side of the debate she was on, but as she’s a plopper* I shan’t bother reading back to remind myself).

*big thanks to whoever coined that term upthread, it’s perfect 💀

And? The vast majority of 2 year olds with no developmental problems can understand ‘no’.
Going on about how badly behaved he is, how much he destroys things, how feral he is isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement.

I didn't say he destroy things. He likes to climb and empty cupboards and play with things he shouldn't like most toddlers. Easier to go out. It is actually normal behaviour talking to other boy mums so we spend a lot of time out and about to get rid of that energy. Yeah he understands no but most toddlers don't have impulse control. He does have a speech delay.

The feral comment was a joke. Most toddlers are feral. They are well known for it. 🤷 Do you always take things so seriously?

I found it a million times easier being a sahm mum than a working one trying to fit everything home ish in aorund my 9-5 and long commute. But I also found my ability to multi task or cope with the amount of conflicting pressures on my time decreased as I got out of practice when I was at home so that even small things stressed me out more than they did when I was working. I guess everyone's experience is different. I loved it when I could be home with the kids, but money didn't always allow it.

My eldest will be 2 in December. It’s certainly getting more interesting. 😂

Well that really depends on if a kid is late at nursery till 6pm them somw people put them to bed at 7pm.so yes a rush but not having to keep eyes on them for say 12hours a day.
If there is a couple and both work mon-fri it maybe that they are generally both around at the weekend so generally not 1-2-1 but 2-1 with them (baring siblings etc)

Likewise some people have relatives looking after dc after school or nursery or weekends.

Illness levels even can make a large diff to how easy it is to get back into work.

Both mine were sicky with d&v. Whereas one mum said oh my first 2 were NEVER sick! At 4-5 youngest must have thrown up about 8 occassions in that time! (Probably abdominal migraines as same pattern) andpd eldest had 18m of severe ear infections after starting nursery, burst drums and antibiotics etc.

Exactly. It's fine to just say "I like being at home so I do"

It's the being a 24/7 mummy is the hardest job in the world! People that wind me up.

Being a full time carer is not the same as being a SAHM.

I'd love to not go to work but my half of the mortgage won't pay itself, it's not like just deciding you're not going to work any more is an option for most women but you can just decide to get a job if you want one. Unless you're a carer obviously, but no one's talking about that.

😂 Mine is now two and a half and I say he has gone a bit turbo. It definitely is interesting and exhausting. It is a nice age though watching them get excited about something and giving cuddles.

I was insanely jealous of SAHMs when mine were little.
For one thing, I would have loved to have been at home with them.
I'm a manual worker so no nice physical rest at a desk at work, and I had to hit the ground running the minute I got home. Bring out the violins but my home chores didn't end till about 9pm after work and the stress of covering sickness was a nightmare. I then spent every weekend catching up at home.
I genuinely cannot see how being at home can be harder!
I bristled with the injustice of mums who didn't work getting all that spare time when they dropped their preschoolers off for free childcare. Not only did I have to work during that time, but babysitting favours with family were all used up for work hours, so no child free time outside of work for date nights, going to the dentist etc.
I don't understand why SAHPs sometimes think a mum who works doesn't know what it's like at home all day with the children. On days off that's the deal plus all extra house chores condensed into that time.
Obviously it's different if you earn enough to outsource cleaning etc while you work, or you're at home with children with special needs, but I can only be honest about how I felt.

I don't understand why SAHPs sometimes think a mum who works doesn't know what it's like at home all day with the children. On days off that's the deal plus all extra house chores condensed into that time.

On a drizzly February Sunday afternoon when I was weary of looking after a 9 month old, the thought of seeing adults, using my brain/skills, having a coffee the next day helped not get down about it.

I guess if I had been a SAHM I would have got myself involved in baby activities in the week ie. be proactive in not getting bogged down, but that wasn't my experience.

I remember my SIL stating quite categorically that she was "not having another winter at home with all 3 of them" (3 boys pretty close in age).

I dreamt I had a baby last night. I am 54...I'd be a SAHM by dint of being retired by the time the little nipper had left Primary school! I was happy to wake up and find just the one teenager in the house!

Oh, yes. Being at home full time with your kids for two days a week means you know exactly what it's like to be at home full time with the kids seven days a week with no break, generally no adult interaction and the utter relentlessness that brings, especially with SEN children to add into the mix too.

Clearly you COMPLETELY understand 🙄

Clearly you don't understand what the PP's experience is like either then because you're not living it 🙄

I'm sure it's terrible and you would have no problem fitting 40 hours of work in there because working when you have a million other things you would rather be doing is so easy 🙄

You clearly have not met my 4 year old. Spending all day watching Disney and eating popcorn doesn't ever happen in this house

This is not to denigrate stay at home mothers in any way, just a genuine interest and curiosity… how can being at home be harder than mums who have to go to work and then STILL do everything like cooking , cleaning, life admin, etc, etc…because no one is gonna do that stuff are they?! So if all needs to be done by a parent regardless of whether or not they work.
As I say honestly not wanting to come across as goady or anything like that because I’m honestly not - just curious and also just thinking about potential roles for myself in the future!

Someone else used that as an example first, I just continued with it.

I have 3 under 2 as well as working full time. There's no watching Disney all day and eating popcorn here either.

Why does it matter so much?

There are too many variables, for most, if your job is a sociable, mentally stimulating but not in an overwhelming way and challenging but not exerting. You'll probably find being at home with a baby harder work. I used to work on a challenging behaviour ward where some days I couldn't leave for 16 hours because all hell broke loose, there were assaults, restraints and mayhem going on left, right and centre. If that is less challenging than having a baby then literally no-one would have babies, especially multiple. Or even if it is as challenging, the motivator that you love your baby which makes it much more cushy.

I'm out that job now and self employed, my job is less physically draining but now much more of a mental toll. The risk, the being on the ball constantly etc, it's draining. The thought of having my existence for a short spell just focused on keeping one other person alive seems like a change of lifestyle I would find preferable, at least for a short while.

I do however see how the sahm roll could be harder if you are under valued, under appreciated, 100% of the house work, life admin and organisation falls on you. But that would be from dealing with the resentment, power imbalance aspect of it as opposed to the role itself.

But, I don't think saying anythings easier is negative? Life isn't a competition, I really don't care what others choose to do.

It obviously depends on the children and the job.

Personally, I loved being a SAHM and found it very easy. Neither child had special needs though and I didn't do it for long. I went back to work 3 days a week when my eldest was 5 months old. After the second was born I stayed off for 2 years, going back when the eldest started primary school.

Being back at work with a 4 and 2 year old with a stressful job which involved a 3 hour daily commute was absolutely exhausting.

To be honest, I do think a lot of it depends on money. When I was a SAHP, we were in a position where I didn't have to worry about money-within reason could go and do anything I wanted. I could keep my house warm and not worry about keeping a tight food budget. I could have had a cleaner if I had wanted one. And my children's father is a loving and supportive man. I was incredibly lucky-and had planned well. And I had a lovely time. In different circumstances it would have been utterly shit.

Oh bore off. This again? You make your choices and if you resent them then change them. Every home, every person every family’s income and circumstances is different. People do what works for them. Some find one way easier or harder than others. That’s life. Change yours up as you are clearly feeling bitter and resentful as your perception is your way is harder than anyone else’s. Stop whining.

To be fair to me I didn't say 'all day'

I just meant we could pick a Disney film, use the popcorn or icecream to keep them focused for the film and it was a nice rest and wasn't like real childcare for the duration.

I was quite strict about screens and my child being at nursery meant they had a lot of screen free entertainment, so I didn't feel bad about my watching a film at the weekend. But that's not how I'd have parented my child daily If I were at home so I wouldn't compare how I tackled weekends to how I would have tackled being at home full time.

When I was SAHM to my 3, I did not get any of those chores done during their waking hours. So whilst a working parent is at work, a SAHP is running around after however many kids they have( in my case, I had a year where I had 3 preschoolers) They all have slightly different routines and at different stages of development. My youngest had health issues which added to the stress. I found my stressful job in the NHS way easier than being SAHM but could not afford childcare for 3 kids as my DH was not earning much.The reality for me is that not much housework got done for a year or so, and I encouraged DH to eat at work canteen so I could just have fish fingers or pasta with the kids at 5 pm and he could eat a sandwich when he got home.

As someone in sales that worked about 12 hours a day 6 days a week with huge stresses from management I feel hands down it’s easier than being a stay at home mum. Unless your kids are at school it’s relentless. Currently running after a 20 month old god do I miss working because that was easy.