To ask millionaire partner to agree to this term in ‘prenup’

[junohername]

Plan is we will be cohabiting and planning this move in the next 12 months after my dd finishes secondary school.
I won’t uproot myself or my (older) DH without some kind of security I want no claim on any of his assets -I’m a broke single mum with a small home in my own name (which I plan to rent out) I’ve had years of making ends meet and that’s fine by me.
I will pay all expenses towards my dc food/car etc and dp will pay mortgage and bills -
in case the relationship should break down I want written into an agreement that I have 6 months to relocate - I may have to sell my house if we settle in the new place (Dd will be at college etc) and an assurance we will not be kicked out
He thinks this is too long and wants me to revise the terms
Long term he would like for me to work for his company - I want to remain independent and work outside of the business again to cover myself in case our relationship goes south
I love him- he’s a good man- 3 years in no red flags but my divorce was hideous and I think ironing out everything before is sensible moving forwards
I don’t want to worry my family by asking them (they’d be my go to usually)
any advice would be great received
We would be moving to a beautiful area for a fresh start (lots of trauma here) and it will be a beautiful big home so in that respect it will be better than where we are.
I do NOT want to ever marry again so I’m guessing rather than prenuptial this would be a pre cohabitation agreement drawn up legally

Hi. Take into account that if any of your DC plan to go to university, their student loans are based on household income and not just yours - so they would only be able to get the basic loan and you would be expected to top it up by approx £5,000 per year per DC

MounjaroUser, you are absolutely right, sounds more like a business transaction than a love affair. I guess she's only protecting herself after getting her wings burned.

All those "love affairs" that go south show that it isn't what keeps a relationship either. Practical cap on regardless of love affair.

Rather start with what seems like a business transaction (marriage is a contract anyway so not far off) then focus on the love affair with peace of mind, than start with the love affair and end up being a business transaction with all the issues regarding finances, divorce, cm, etc that were never ironed out in the first place.

Or the student can work and supplement their own costs.

I really appreciate what you have said- this post has really struck a chord with me. I am very damaged from the previous relationship but I don’t want that to shadow and stop my future happiness with DP- he’s such a good man and has been so supportive over the last few years.

I feel a bit concerned for you over a couple of things.

This is only looking at it from another side and may be way off the mark. But at least think about it.

You come over as slightly vulnerable and on the back foot in this relationship.
Partly because of the imbalance of money, partly because you were in an abusive relationship before.

There are some men (and women) who use their money as a means of control. They choose a vulnerable partner who is ever so grateful to them for what they provide- initially it's emotional support but also financial support. They shower them with money and care....then start backing off and being controlling.

Basically, they have the upper hand.

A red flag appeared for me when you said he wanted you to (eventually) work for him. This would limit your independence in so many ways. And increase his control over you.

Property development has highs and lows- who's to know if his business goes pear shaped at any time. It's not a reliable career. He can make big bucks once in a while but then it might stop.

And if that was your source of income - what then?

When you say he's been so good to you- is this because you feel he's 'rescued' you? I'd be very wary of any man like that as their motives can be about control and they show their true colours eventually.

How much do you know about his life before you? Divorce(s)? Past relationships?

The fact you're considering an escape plan shows your gut feeling - that you're a bit insecure. I hear you're saying you're damaged. Have you had therapy to try to heal and value your self worth?

You need to go through that process or you're taking it all into this relationship.

Agree. I'n not convinced moving in with mum's boyfriend is in the best interests of the dc.

Would you move in with him if he were a low earner with no assets?

Don't work for him but take the following steps:

1. Negotiate. If he won't agree to 6 months, will he agree to 2 months to find a rental, plus 3 months rent? (3 months so he will effectively be paying 50% of a 6 month tenancy which you reclaim your house).

Consider whether you need 6 months though. How much notice do you legally need to give your tenants? Regardless, you may find it impossible to get a rental for under 6 months so anything you agree to needs to be realistic and thought through.

1. Ask what his starting point is. Consider Engaging solicitors.

1. While he shouldn't be a meal ticket, which I don't think you are looking for, it could concern me if he wouldn't consider being 50% responsible for alternative housing costs if he considers living together to be intolerabe after a split if he has the money to fund it without batting an eye and won't be the one at risk.

4.What is your red line? Not moving in? Or settling for his best offer?

1. My red line would be that if he won't share some of the financial risk of extra housing costs if it goes wrong, then the only solution is to buy a place together than you own 5050.

So you cheat on him / turn abusive / become a raging alcoholic and he's legally bound to keep you in situ for six months?

I mean I get you want security but it's all about if you're the innocent victim of his awful ways. No consideration for him.

I think if he turns out to be a total dick, you will want to leave immediately / will get your MN ducks in a row before leaving. If the relationship doesn't work but he's still a decent guy, he isn't going to throw you out of he decides he's bored with you. If he changes the locks and throws all your bags out then even though you'd have legal recourse, would you actually want to go back there? If you're there and he doesn't want you to, he can make your life hard anyway.

So id drop it to three months unless it's caused by infidelity on your behalf.

The maximum amount a student can receive in loans (which is based on household income - the student can’t choose to take more than their entitlement based on that income) takes into account the expectation that the student should work on top to have sufficient money to live on.

A student coming from a higher income* household (which includes the income of a parent’s live in partner) then has money deducted *from that loan amount (which as stated is not in itself expected to be enough to live on without employment) to reflect the amount the adults of the household are expected (but not legally required) to contribute.

The OP’s daughter is going to be significantly disadvantaged by her mother having a wealthy partner who doesn’t contribute if her mother is not able to make up the difference as the calculations are based on maximum loan + working part time = sufficient to live on.

If she gets loan minus expected parental contribution (which for a millionaire, I would anticipate to be the maximum deduction), that leaves her several thousand pounds a year adrift even if she works.

Don't work for your DP. You will lose your independence within the relationship, and if you split you will lose both your job and your home in one fell swoop.

Even if you get a proper employment contract you have no protection from unfair dismissal for two years, and in practice precious little protection even after that time if he really wants to get you out.

Just seen that you are definitely not taking his offer of employment. Wise lady.

There’s plenty of room for compromise between a week and six months!

This is jumping the gun with a lot of assumptions.

It's some years since my DCs were at uni, but from what I recall I don't think there is a' nil band ' for the loan, based on parental income. I think that the lowest amount available is 25%.

There is no expectation of employment. eg students studying medicine or some other science degrees are not always available for work because of ongoing practical lab - work (other than in the holidays- definitely not term time.)

It's not clear what his 'being a millionaire' really means.

It could be a couple of properties that were bought, done up and are now worth £500K each and rented out.

It could be the value of his business, which could be in dividends rather than hard cash in the bank.

Students can also get overdrafts that are separate to their student loan.

The thing is, if you are in a rental you have rights that protect you from being suddenly made homeless. If you own your own house you have time to sort yourself so again not homeless. The OP just wants the same protection as a tennant would have

If you're in UK a pre nup has no legal standing and if youre thinking along these lines at this point just split up now

If he loved you and he was kind he'd say "OP I love you and I really want this to work but if for any reason it doesn't, I will make sure that the transition back to your house (or whatever the plan is), is as easy as possible. I don't want you to live with constant fear and insecurity".

You're not valuing yourself OP...you shouldn't be prepared to be scrimping and saving whilst living with someone very wealthy. If you don't value yourself, then he won't value you either and the power imbalance will cause the relationship to fail.

This is all a very bad idea.

Again, the law has changed now and they are generally enforceable in the UK.

I have some experience of this sort of. I moved in with my ex fiance without being on his mortgage (I was self employed at the time). Fast forward 7 years I’ve paid half the mortgage and contributed to bills 50/50. He decides he’s met someone else wants to be with her and me to leave pretty much straight away. It was covid and I couldn’t find anywhere to rent/ had nothing put by to assist me. What I learned was
1 always have a run away fund! Especially if you have kids (I don’t)

2 if you can prove you contribute to the mortgage hopefully via a joint account legally you are entitled to half of the payments you have made back

3 there is a form that a mortgage advisor can ask you to sign that will give you some protection here

4 it is possible to temporarily co habit with someone even after splitting.. obviously in my case it was very difficult made more so by him and the house was a 2 up 2 down one of us had the bed the other the sofa and we shared. We had to do that for about 4 months til I found somewhere

5 always keep your job/finances separate

If everyone behaved like that there'd be no acrimonious divorces.

You can't force people to behave kindly and when a relationship breaks down all kinds of nastiness can come into play.

The OP herself might want to get out of it very fast if he turned violent or abusive.

She also not scrimping. She owns a house and is considering renting it.

A question for @junohername
If he's a millionaire, will he have a mortgage?

It's not clear from what you've said if he has cash (and can bank at Coutts) or if his money is tied up in his company's value.

I somehow imagined that if he was buying somewhere, it would be a cash purchase.

Hi op,

i am struggling to understand the whys. Would it not be more simple to just not sell your house? No need to get him to sign anything…if your dd is in uni, and you keep your house…if it goes pearshape you have a roof anyway. No?

About the work. Yeap. Big fat no. Stay as you are and do not get in his company.

🌺

She is keeping the house but she wants to put tenants in to pay the mortgage and is worried about where she will go while she waits for the tenants to leave, particularly if they refuse to go.

He’s not forcing you to move you want to move in with him? Maybe wait until you’ve saved up an ‘escape fund’ before committing to the move. 6 months staying together after a break up is ludicrous.

What exactly does "millionaire" mean?

I have more than a million in my pension pot + the value of my home, so I suppose technically someone could call me a "millionaire" but in practical terms I'm not. That money is for retirement / old age; it's not something I can draw on now.

My cash flow in real life is limited to my salary. Which is good but hardly affluent. If his money is tied up in pension, investments, real estate, he may not have a lot of cash lying around to be supporting others, or handing out lump sums.

She shows red flags…
whom would ask their partner to insure that she can stay for a rather long period of time if their relationship goes down? And because…he has money..? Ermm…no. If break up, both parts stop to ensure whatever to the other one…solely the children gets that security of attachement and care from both parents even if (ideally) parents don’t stay together. They don’t have children together.
she doesn’t want to get married but want the security of it.

she hasn’t healed nor work on the hurt caused by previous relationship. She shouldn’t move with him.

if she can’t move in back quickly then she shouldn’t rent it. Or short rents. Put that in finances and share the cost as together. If not together pay a hotel for short time left rented and then move back in. It isn’t for him to cover for you « after » as you aren’t getting married.