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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask millionaire partner to agree to this term in ‘prenup’

257 replies

junohername · 01/10/2024 15:01

Plan is we will be cohabiting and planning this move in the next 12 months after my dd finishes secondary school.
I won’t uproot myself or my (older) DH without some kind of security I want no claim on any of his assets -I’m a broke single mum with a small home in my own name (which I plan to rent out) I’ve had years of making ends meet and that’s fine by me.
I will pay all expenses towards my dc food/car etc and dp will pay mortgage and bills -
in case the relationship should break down I want written into an agreement that I have 6 months to relocate - I may have to sell my house if we settle in the new place (Dd will be at college etc) and an assurance we will not be kicked out
He thinks this is too long and wants me to revise the terms
Long term he would like for me to work for his company - I want to remain independent and work outside of the business again to cover myself in case our relationship goes south
I love him- he’s a good man- 3 years in no red flags but my divorce was hideous and I think ironing out everything before is sensible moving forwards
I don’t want to worry my family by asking them (they’d be my go to usually)
any advice would be great received
We would be moving to a beautiful area for a fresh start (lots of trauma here) and it will be a beautiful big home so in that respect it will be better than where we are.
I do NOT want to ever marry again so I’m guessing rather than prenuptial this would be a pre cohabitation agreement drawn up legally

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 03/10/2024 03:34

I think the point about her suggesting a longer rather than a shorter stay post-breakup is an insurance policy against being ejected onto the street after 8 weeks (which is what the bf wants) especially with a dependent child and especially with the rental market how it is

it wouldn't mean she would be forced into remaining right up to the 6th month, it would just give a bit more time in case it was needed.

The fact the Bf is only thinking about his own situation, ie I want her out much quicker would absolutely be a red flag. I can't understand how that situation could ever be perceived as a conducive one, not least of all for that poor child. No way would I consider getting together with someone in those circumstances- where's your pride OP? You deserve better. And so does your child!

Pinenuts91 · 03/10/2024 05:50

Can you put in either stay for 6 months or he supports rent/air b&b for 6 months to get on your feet? He has the choice then?

I agree with prenups, gets everyone on the same page and to agree ahead of time if things become awful. No one can blame the other person then. So everyone has the choice and can make educated decisions knowing exactly what the expectations/commitmentally are.

BloodyAdultDC · 03/10/2024 06:25

What exactly are people missing here?

OP isn't getting married - and even if she was pre-nups aren't legally recognised in the UK.

As it is, she is moving in with a man who appears to be in a much better financial situation than she is. There is no such thing as a cohabitation agreement as she describes - if she moves into his house and they break up, there is no legal way she can enforce remaining in his house for 6 hours against his wishes, never mind 6 months!

GrumpyOldGran · 03/10/2024 07:35

BloodyAdultDC · 03/10/2024 06:25

What exactly are people missing here?

OP isn't getting married - and even if she was pre-nups aren't legally recognised in the UK.

As it is, she is moving in with a man who appears to be in a much better financial situation than she is. There is no such thing as a cohabitation agreement as she describes - if she moves into his house and they break up, there is no legal way she can enforce remaining in his house for 6 hours against his wishes, never mind 6 months!

You're partly right over pre nups.
They don't have 100% legal enforcement in the UK BUT they do carry weight if it goes to court.
If both parties have willingly signed a 'pre nup' the judge will usually take it into account.

BloodyAdultDC · 03/10/2024 09:23

GrumpyOldGran · 03/10/2024 07:35

You're partly right over pre nups.
They don't have 100% legal enforcement in the UK BUT they do carry weight if it goes to court.
If both parties have willingly signed a 'pre nup' the judge will usually take it into account.

Show quote history

Except the op isn't getting married...

Beautiful3 · 03/10/2024 09:45

Instead of selling your home, could you rent it out? So you have a home to return to, if you both split? If not then would he pay moving costs? I would need 3-6 months to move out.

mewkins · 03/10/2024 10:11

BloodyAdultDC · 03/10/2024 06:25

What exactly are people missing here?

OP isn't getting married - and even if she was pre-nups aren't legally recognised in the UK.

As it is, she is moving in with a man who appears to be in a much better financial situation than she is. There is no such thing as a cohabitation agreement as she describes - if she moves into his house and they break up, there is no legal way she can enforce remaining in his house for 6 hours against his wishes, never mind 6 months!

Exactly. No one is going to take someone to court so that they agree to let them stay in their house for 6 months.

Teddybear23 · 03/10/2024 11:48

I agree with you, 6 months is ok because you may struggle to find somewhere else you can afford if you can’t move back into your old house or have sold it. There are getting fewer and fewer homes to rent these days. You are not saying you will stick it out for 6 months there, you can still move out sooner if you can.

GrumpyOldGran · 03/10/2024 12:05

BloodyAdultDC · 03/10/2024 09:23

Except the op isn't getting married...

Show quote history

Yes. I know that @BloodyAdultDC I've been on her thread for days.

I was replying to another poster.

The OP put 'pre nup' in inverted commas to show it wasn't a pre-nup - but we all know what she means.

The best way for her to do this (which I have already mentioned) is to put some equity into the new home they buy. They can then have a Deed of Trust which would give her ownership. She'd get her percentage back and wouldn't be a vulnerable situation.

GrumpyOldGran · 03/10/2024 12:06

Beautiful3 · 03/10/2024 09:45

Instead of selling your home, could you rent it out? So you have a home to return to, if you both split? If not then would he pay moving costs? I would need 3-6 months to move out.

Spend some time reading ALL by the OP.

This has been discussed at length.

niffynickers · 03/10/2024 12:27

If you're renting your place out you may have to give the tenant 6 months notice. Also stating 6 months in a cohab agreement is the maximum it doesn't stop you moving out sooner. I'd 'stick to my guns' if I was you

biglipslittlehips · 03/10/2024 15:30

OP you want protection so you won't end up homeless. I get that. Renters gave that protection. Married people do. You should too. But it's not all up to your partner to cover this. If you have any contractual arrangements it should be that he equally share the financial burden of you moving elsewhere for a period of time (you are talking about 6 months)

It's not all on him. Why would it be. You should be in a position where either if you is penalised if you have to move out so that's a shared cost. Not his cost.

Normallynumb · 03/10/2024 18:04

It's not clear how he is a millionaire but I can't help thinking you are making yourself vulnerable, whilst expecting him to provide you with security should the relationship fail.
There is a power imbalance here, not just financially and I'm uneasy that you see him as a kind of rescuer from your previous marriage
Your DCs welfare is paramount here, yet you have hardly mentioned them
I get the need for security but you should meet that for you and DC
Please think carefully about the long term picture... and please get your own legal advice, not jointly
I do hope it works out well for you and do not be persuaded to work with him

Noglitterallowed · 05/10/2024 14:45

If you were dating and planning on moving in with Dave that works in Tesco would you be wondering what if we split up etc? Likelyhood is no! You’re only thinking like this because he’s got money. You are either in or not

Pherian · 05/10/2024 14:47

I think you need to get professional counselling for yourself. Bringing the trauma from your past into your future is no way to start.

MoveToParis · 05/10/2024 14:49

SummerInSun · 01/10/2024 15:04

I think if you had broken up, staying in the same house with him for six months would be pretty unbearable for everyone involved, including your DC. I'd drop it to three months.

Disagree, he has the resources to rent somewhere for you (or himself) local to where you are for six months.
3 months is nowhere near enough.

CosyLemur · 05/10/2024 14:54

Personally I think if you've not even moved in together yet and you're talking about a relationship breakdown do you really want to be uprooting your DC?

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/10/2024 15:11

CosyLemur · 05/10/2024 14:54

Personally I think if you've not even moved in together yet and you're talking about a relationship breakdown do you really want to be uprooting your DC?

This. What is the point?

Date and maintain your independence.

DonnaBanana · 05/10/2024 15:32

Since you’re not getting married you can’t make an enforceable agreement like this anyway so I’d put the ball in his court. You need time to save up a fund in case you ever have to move out so you won’t be moving in with him until you have that unfortunately. Make him see sense and that you’re prepared to be independent.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2024 16:08

@junohername

I think you are being very wise. God knows we see enough 'He's telling me to get out, what do I do??' threads that we ALL should know the pitfalls of living unmarried in a house not in our names.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a 6 month limit to move with a proviso that you must be seen to be making real motions to get out and looking for a realistic new place to live (ie not a mansion in Chelsea), but if were an acrimonious situation would you really want to be there until you could get out? Nor would there be anything wrong with him setting aside an amount as a 'relocation fund', but if I were him I'd want to be sure it could only be used for its intended purpose. Problem is that if the shit hits the fan 5 or 10 years from now, will that fund still be adequate to cover the costs? If one considers the costs 5 years ago of a mortgage or rental + misc expenses involved in moving and then considers what that would cost today, it's pretty obvious that there have been huge increases. So if you do decide on a 'relocation fund' perhaps it should be revisited every 5 years?

You said "WE will see A lawyer to draw up the agreement". Nope, each of you should have independent legal counsel. Draw up an agreement between yourselves, fine. But separate lawyers protecting each of your interests should review to see that it's fair and airtight, for both of you. And you need to ask about the legal enforceability of such a contract and what would be involved if he disregarded it and 'locked you out'? Could he be forced to let you back in immediately or would there be a protracted legal battle? If it would result in a legal battle, then you'd probably be better off with a lump sum set aside. I do think that whatever the two of you decide, at this point there should also be a clause allowing you to remain in the house for a period of time in the event of his death so his heirs can't kick you out. Not a 'life estate' at this point, but perhaps that same 6 months to relocate period.

Marriage is a legal contract. It doesn't need to be 'drawn up' because its legal protections are already well known and enforceable. Cohabitation carries no legal protection and nothing is enforceable. That's why it's very reasonable to want things 'set out' legally so there are no misconceptions and no one sided advantages.

beanii · 05/10/2024 16:24

I understand that you went through a messy divorce BUT all this makes it sound like you want it to fail 🤷🏻‍♀️

DecoratingDiva · 05/10/2024 16:44

Consult a solicitor to check that any agreement of this kind is legally enforceable if you do not intend to marry.

If you are married any prenup can be considered in the divorce (although it doesn’t have to be) but you may be on rocky ground if you are just living together.

DearDenimEagle · 05/10/2024 19:27

I was with a guy worth a few million in assets for 10 years. He seemed kind and caring etc etc but turned into a monster lol. Took me years to get my money back as per agreement . He kept saying I could have the money, a 5 figure sum I’d lent him, but couldn’t leave, but never actually gave me the money. I wasn’t able to leave without it. The day I got it, I went online , found a house, bought it outright secretly and moved out 3 days after getting the keys. While he was at a meeting. However, inflation meant the money was worth somewhat less than it had been 10 years before.
We had a pre cohabitation agreement. To protect my money. He even put the amount in his will, a sign I’d only get it over his dead body I think. It was drawn up by his lawyer, but there was a strong possibility it would not have been enforced by courts back then. Now they can only be challenged on contractual basis..fraud, misrepresentation, mistake etc. in the opinion of the Law Commission This has not been tested in court yet. So use a solicitor to ensure it complies with contractual requirements.

if you do have one, it should be reviewed periodically as things do change. Best Wishes

Findinganewme · 05/10/2024 19:39

You’re debating over how quickly he would kick you out, if you broke up. You want security, he thinks that you’re taking the piss.

This doesn’t sound like the start of a healthy or promising relationship, to me.

bringslight · 05/10/2024 20:46

biglipslittlehips · 03/10/2024 15:30

OP you want protection so you won't end up homeless. I get that. Renters gave that protection. Married people do. You should too. But it's not all up to your partner to cover this. If you have any contractual arrangements it should be that he equally share the financial burden of you moving elsewhere for a period of time (you are talking about 6 months)

It's not all on him. Why would it be. You should be in a position where either if you is penalised if you have to move out so that's a shared cost. Not his cost.

She wants her redundancy money if they separate because he is rich and apparently can afford it.

Someone called sensible people giving advice here , green eyes vipers - really?

What is to envy a woman who is not marrying a man and whom she is not sure of, will behave decently if they separate.

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