To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

You need to practise - ‘oh, I haven’t thought about it! Oh did you hear XYZ about nursery/new local soft play/I wonder what Christmas activities the nursery will put on/doing anything for Halloween?’

Or just start a conversation before anyone else does and then you can choose a topic yourself without having to redirect.

Some of these responses imply that just because the askers intentions are inane, the irritation caused to the OP doesn't count? I don't feel that's an intelligent way to approach interactions with others. Tolerance is important, but OP is just saying she felt irritated and wanted to discuss that.

Exactly. I doubt she was in the least bit bothered whether you go on to have half a dozen more. Why would she be.

I read threads like this and wonder about all the ways I have inadvertantly annoyed or offended someone by making inconsequential conversation with them in an attempt at light-hearted, pleasant human connection. 😬

I would find it nosy and intrusive. There are lots of other subjects people can talk about without whether or not the OP and her partner are planning to have unprotected sex again.

The weather
Do you have a pet
Are you on Mumsnet
Do you like crafts
Why are the trains late so often
Have you seen that daft film
Nicholas Cage

The list goes on and on.

That's not nosy.

From your title I thought you meant she was questioning you on contraceptives!

It's just polite chit chat.

You're obviously pregnant so she's just making conversation. I'd just answer with "haven't decided". It's different when people ask about your baby plans when you're not pregnant and could potentially be going through fertility issues.

Being 'nosey', is how humans find out about each other and create friendships

Yes it’s irritating. Some people have no social skills or decent conversation. It’s just the way it is unfortunately.

We struggled for over seven years to have our only child so this is not a question I'd ever dream of asking anyone. Privately I do think it a fairly major social blunder, but a one-word answer and swift change of subject is enough of a broad hint in the circumstances.

Some people are just clueless and not very well endowed with conversational skills. I'd shrug it off as 'small stuff'.

Idle gossip, in other words.

I'm not interested in having friends who do that.

YANBU, OP, as you can see from this thread, lots of people think a pregnant woman’s body is public property that they can touch and enquire about as they want.

No one should be asking you about your reproductive plans.

Great quote but not by me 😌

It’s really not a great quote. It’s nobody’s business and people should not be asking.

Keep to the weather and traffic subjects.

@Tellysavelas I think saying to a third time pregnant mum are you planning to have any more is a fairly non event.

But enquiring about people's medical history/fertility is definitely intrusive and unwelcome.

But the op felt uncomfortable so it shows we all feel differently.

@CuttySarcasm

But if we went around avoiding conversations so as not to potentially offend someone, then it would make interaction quite hard.

I agree in principle and people can be over precious and you can’t go through life avoiding every controversial topic but surely fertility is fairly unique in that it’s highly likely to upset someone.

Talking about the government or the weather… meh, you don’t have to agree with everyone. But asking someone about their baby plans has an incredibly high risk of triggering trauma. I really don’t think this is in the same category.

I get you OP - I’d never ask this question to anyone in’s million years .

there are enough neutral topics to talk about without veering into personal territory

This is the kind of thing I would ask, absolutely not wanting to offend anyone. But mainly because most people are only good at talking about themselves and I’d be grasping at ways to keep the conversation going and be friendly because they don’t ask me anything back.
Is this you OP? If you don’t want to talk to anyone just stand away from people/arrive last.

It is a very personal question, but it's also a very normal one. School gate chat was always different personalities with different levels of tact and intelligence. I've made friends for life and had my share of being offended during school gate chatathons. It's all humanity.

my go to topic is nice local cafes or restaurants to go to. Maybe this is an idea?? Just saying …

First you say ‘it’s definitely a non event’ and in the next breath that OP felt differently and felt uncomfortable.

That alone should tell you not to ask a woman about something so personal.

Would you ask your pregnant female boss if she was planning to have a fourth child whilst she’s heavily pregnant with her third?

I agree it’s rude and insensitive but many people say things like this. I actually went home and cried after a GP said to me : “you arent having any more are you, i hope not?” If a doctor wants to advise me not to have any more then i want it done in a sensitive professional way not like an offhand joke.

This

Would you ask your pregnant female boss if she was planning to have a fourth child whilst she’s heavily pregnant with her third?

Yep. It's you. Better than coming on here to say no one talks to you?