Child free people-Why do *Some people who are parents get annoyed at them?

[Theycantallbecomspiracytheories]

I notice it quite a lot and recently saw it in a video Seth Rogen (?) forgot his name did where he talked about him and his wife/partner being happy to never have kids. So many in the comments were pissed off with him.
I have a young Dd after years of trying, but also as much as I love kids, I was always quite unsure about having kids as Dh and I had a fantastic life living abroad-lots of travel, time to relax, no real responsibilities-yes a job and mortgage but 🤷🏻‍♀️ money to ourselves, much less stressful & tiring, it was amazing! I can see why people want to keep it like that. I adore my Dd and life is great now, in a different way, but I can totally see how some would choose a child free life. Why do some parents get annoyed with these people and seem to sort of take it personally that they don’t want the same life?

@Pleaselettheholidayend Yes I agree. The mumsnet subforum is good and pretty balanced.

The majority of people don't care what other people do, of those that do, there are always extreme and toxic views on both sides. Personally I find the you don't know love until you have children hyperbole just as annoying and pathetic as the you'll be rich without kids hurrah! Generally whilst some people will comment crap on absolutely anything online, most seem to get riled by people commenting on others rather than themselves.

But there's no need to engage in a rac
e to the bottom. There are assholes everywhere. You don't need to engage and justify sany more than I need to defend why I'm choosing one child to all the "one child is selfish" brigadee.

I think some see having kids as an obligation, a right of passage, an expectation even?
It is a choice
I have no time for those who choose to have kids and then moan about how hard it is!
I chose not to have them and am so glad I made that choice when I have been witness to the stresses, strains and expense that I’ve seen my mates go through with theirs.
Furthermore, I’m an only child currently trying to cope with a parent with dementia - I would not wish this on any kids.

I actually see more anger directed to parents than child free people. There is frustration that people change when they become parents and aren't as available as they were to their child free friends, want to talk about child related things and require extra concessions due to having kids. Now children are seen as optional, there is a growing resentment towards those that choose to have children and are impeded by them.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I don't think this tension is unsurprising. Having children is life changing and often alters people's perspectives on fundamental things that span beyond the obvious. For example, how I approach working and accruing wealth would be fundamentally different if I didn't have kids. There wouldn't really be anyone obvious to pass anything down to so the focus would be on having enough so that I could sustain myself until I die. I am driven to earn more and create a legacy because I want to hand it down to my children. I don't see my money as just my own to spend but something that will help my children in the future too.

In the past when the vast majority of the population had children then we would all be more likely to think similarly. Now those without children are free of some of these processes and are plotting lives that almost break the 'system'. Things like maternity leave and family friendly policies make sense when most people have children, but if they don't then child free people can question their existence or seek similar confessions for their life choices. It all becomes a lot more complex and difficult to navigate than when it was assumed that children were the default.

However I have never met anyone in their 50s + who has ever regretted having children. In fact, it's the opposite. My mum is in her 60s and has a few child free friends who feel great sadness they never got the chance to be a parent.

How peculiar.

I’m in my 50s & have plenty of friends my age & older who are very happily childfree.

There is frustration that people change when they become parents and aren't as available as they were to their child free friends, want to talk about child related things

I have a child but I find it annoying when friends do this. Sure things change, but some make zero effort to keep in touch and then if you do ever chat it's all about children; they then moan they're lonely. When things are overwhelming it's understandable that people don't have as much bandwidth, but the amount of women (men don't seem to do it) who can't be arsed with their mates and take no interest in their lives and/or revolve their entire being around their child is pretty sad. I remember at brunch one day we were meant to be celebrating our friend completing her PhD which is a phenomenal achievement, and one in all seriousness started saying how it doesn't compare to being a mum still, and that her proudest day was when her baby first smiled- like nothing outside motherhood is worthy of celebration or an achievement, ew.

Thankfully the majority of people I know aren't like this, but can see why some people get annoyed by it.

Whose benefit did you have children for if not your own?

I think some people find parenthood all consuming and it does fundamentally change them. I think you see similar when people experience other life changing events like major grief. It definitely is dependent on the individual though and not everyone reacts in the same way.

I don't think there is anything wrong in women centring their lives around their children or seeing their children as their greatest achievement. If this is what gives them a sense of purpose and fulfillment then I struggle to accept that it is a bad thing. Obviously I would expect them to be tactful about it when talking to others in the way that I would expect everyone to be tactful about this kind of thing with friends. It's awful to hear people boasting about themselves, their children or doing other people's achievements down. I think it's basic social etiquette to know not to do this.

But if only people with a burning will to have them actually did the birth rate would plummet… society has to tell women especially that they need children

I'm sure I will get flamed, but I have kids (and a dog), the only child free people who annoy me are the ones who equate their having dogs (and in some cases other pets) to me having children. It isn't the same.

Other than that I have friends without kids and maybe I'm sometimes a bit jealous that they don't have to plan their lives and can be more carefree x

There was a thread on here the other day where someone seriously asked who the childfree users were expecting to put their bins out when they were elderly.

The lengths some people will go to in an effort to imply that all childfree people are destined to a face a dotage of misery and loneliness is truly bizarre.

Every time I see a parent struggling around the supermarket with an unruly child I still think "thank god I didn't ruin my life by having children", but that's just me, and I can still appreciate that despite being in a "moment", the parent still rejoices at the child and has no regrets. How some parents can't grasp that childfree people can also be entirely happy with their decision is beyond me.

I worry about who puts the bins out now! There are things in between kids and no kids.

See most of my friends are child free and I've not noticed any smugness about it

My brother was like this. He and sil had kids too early both times ( unplanned accidents) and feel like they struggled compared to me who had 10 years of IVF while they had 2 kids. Now I have one and they keep making comments like you can only afford your lifestyle because you have 1 while we have 2 and it’s a nightmare blah blah. The truth is I made better financial decisions than him my entire life and at his age I had enough to support twice as many kids as he did lol.

Back in the real world, I’ve never seen this or heard this discussion.

My DSis childfree by choice. I have (female) gay friends who are childfree and likewise cousins and a colleague who can’t have children. I have 1 and I’m done. Others have several.

No one cares or over-analyses any of it.

Think it just goes to show how things are more divisive online, think under 30s are more likely to take the divisive views as read.

I've had experience of this with my brother in law who has commented on more than one occasion "you're not a proper grown up because you've never had children". It's not even that I didn't want them, I just didn't find the right person to have them with & I didn't want them with the wrong person. I didn't always make great choices early on. I eventually met the right person but we were older & decided against having them for various reasons. Now I get, "well, you've only just become a grown up" despite being married for 11 years. I've tried to explain my reasons to him & have received less comments from women who seem more understanding of how I just missed my opportunity.

It's a bit arrogant that you think your friendship group is "the real world" and everybody else is, what, making it up?

@alaimo
But how many childfree people make videos? I am childfree, as are several of my close friends. None of us bang on about it. Surely child free influencers/vloggers/whatever are no more representative of the broader child free community than 'mumfluencers' are of the vast majority of parents?

I agree. Most of my friends don't have children and aren't smug. I'm talking about the annoying people who go on TikTok or Twitter bleating on about it.

I have been annoyed at people who became parents and promptly dropped all their child-free friends. I was annoyed because they were a tiny minority of my parent friends, most of whom continued to value our friendship - maybe not with as much spontaneous spare time, but it was clear that parenthood hadn't changed anything fundamental in how they valued me. Subsuming yourself entirely into parenthood isn't a default destiny, most parents I know don't do it - for those who do, it's a character thing, and shows me how much they valued me in the first place.

Are your last two paragraphs essentially justifying the tendency I've noticed in a minority of parents to stop caring about the wider social good if it doesn't benefit their own little family? I've noticed that a bit too.

Most criticisms of child-free people amuse me but the one that actually pisses me off is "oh I grew out of going out, going to new restaurants, going to clubs, it was all so shallow". So patronising. And while having kids is a valid lifstyle choice, please don't make out it's anything deeper or more important than that.

"Every time I see a parent struggling around the supermarket with an unruly child I still think "thank god I didn't ruin my life by having children", but that's just me, and I can still appreciate that despite being in a "moment", the parent still rejoices at the child and has no regrets. How some parents can't grasp that childfree people can also be entirely happy with their decision is beyond me."

🙄🙄🙄
Literally no one is thinking about you and your choices @XDownwiththissortofthingX

Yet you feel the need to say that other people have "ruined their lives" why is that?

She didn’t say they’d ruined their lives, she said she didn’t ruin her life. As in her life would be ruined by having children but theirs had not been, which she clarifies by saying the parent rejoices at the child and has no regrets.

Yet you feel the need to say that other people have "ruined their lives" why is that?

Try reading my post again, I said nothing of the sort.

I said I'm eternally grateful I didn't ruin my own life, because that's what having children would have meant to me. I also said that I can completely understand why it's different for other people.

There are a few childless by choice people in my circle, particularly on ex H 's side.

What annoys me, (they can be similar to the Disney Dad's) there are a few that want to muscle in on my kids now, that the physically hard parenting (of small children) is over. They want to join for the fun stuff, parties, rugby matches, but not for the hard rearing.

They want to bond with the next generation so that they have that network into the future, but they don't want to put the gruntwork in.

Those are the actions that I find selfish.