Child free people-Why do *Some people who are parents get annoyed at them?

[Theycantallbecomspiracytheories]

I notice it quite a lot and recently saw it in a video Seth Rogen (?) forgot his name did where he talked about him and his wife/partner being happy to never have kids. So many in the comments were pissed off with him.
I have a young Dd after years of trying, but also as much as I love kids, I was always quite unsure about having kids as Dh and I had a fantastic life living abroad-lots of travel, time to relax, no real responsibilities-yes a job and mortgage but 🤷🏻‍♀️ money to ourselves, much less stressful & tiring, it was amazing! I can see why people want to keep it like that. I adore my Dd and life is great now, in a different way, but I can totally see how some would choose a child free life. Why do some parents get annoyed with these people and seem to sort of take it personally that they don’t want the same life?

Child free 34 YO married male here. Hopefully my post gives an idea of our situation.

When my wife and I first got together (I was 28 and she 31) I had no interest in kids whatsoever but she was more keen than me and eventually talked me round. However, we felt it wasn't the right time, we were a new couple and wanted to live a bit of a 20s lifestyle in our 30s after a hard few years. We wanted travel, enjoy ourselves and also buy a house together. Fast-forward 6 years and we have started trying to start a family earlier this year (with 1 pregnancy loss earlier this summer) but even before this, the amount of comments both my wife and I have received since first getting together from nosy albeit well meaning friend, family members, as well as acquaintances is just huge and at times totally inappropriate . Previously I would just politely shrug them off, but I've now bluntly started talking about the pregnancy loss as that soon shuts the conversations, but I think why should it take that too make people back off?

I know my wife finds the complete lack of consideration really difficult too. I personally will never ask anyone why they don't have kids unless they have naturally steered the conversation in that way themselves, as I know how waring and upsetting the constant questions can be for people who might be struggling to start a family. I also have a lot of friends who've openly said they have no interest in becoming parents and totally respect that and have never asked any of them for their reasons for this.

Jealous of how cool we are.

I think it's natural to feel bad in response to someone dismissing something you love as awful/smelly/disruptive etc. It's like a criticism of you, or a judgement that they are somehow superior because they think differently to you or made a different life choice.

I see it on the Taylor Swift/Oasis or even dog threads where someone comes on and says "urgh they're shit" and people react furiously!

I don't think parents go around feeling angry with child free people. It only comes out where there is a statement from someone (on either the parent or child free side) that indicates they made the superior choice.

Similarly I think child free people get pissed off with parents when things are said like "you'll never experience true joy/love/happiness without children" because it's really dismissive of their experience and choices.

People just don't like to feel criticised or judged for their choices.

I think you raise a fair point as words are important. I guess there is a difference in when / context too. As in - I never attribute any description to myself regarding parenting out of the blue, I'm not introducing myself "hi I'm enter and I'm childfree", and I'm not posting on SM about my amazing childfree life.

That being said, I have used childfree to describe myself when someone is asking me about whether I have kids/plan to etc as I hope that stops follow up questions quicker than "it's by choice and not something I really want to talk about".

In the second example none of your suggested alternatives work, and I can't think of an alternative that would do the job...

For me (and I assume a lot of people) this is when childfree as a term is really handy - would you find it rude in that context?

I'd go so far as to say it calls to mind the term "Juden Frei" of the Third Reich, and it doesn't sit well with me. There's a hint of intolerance to it.

This is the second time I've seen the childfree compared to Nazis on this website, and it's so tasteless I can barely believe it's happened once, let alone twice.

What about gluten-free and dairy-free? Are these also signs that a person is intolerant of those who wantonly consume bread and cheese?

I'm confused as to how people who had kids know what it's like to be child-free in your 40s, 50s, 60s etc. I understand they experienced 20s and 30s child-free, but one's life doesn't stay the same through the decades, does it? My 30s are drastically different from my 20s, and friends speak of how dramatically different their 40s or 50s were from anything before. I don't think you truly know what it's like to be a child-free 50 year-old just because you didn't become a parent until you were 38.

To take a simple example, most people have a lot more money in absolute terms in their 50s vs their 30s. How much of that is disposable depends hugely on whether the 50something in question has to fund teenagers or not. The more disposable income one has (especially if coupled with fewer responsibilities) the greater the... differences between their life and someone who has less disposable income/more responsibilities.

I hope people have been ignoring that little gem because it's so utterly insane and braindead that we're all lost for words.

I sincerely hope so.

From the videos I've seen from child free people they always sound unbearably smug and think they are better than parents. Does my napper in.

I'm confused as to how people who had kids know what it's like to be child-free in your 40s, 50s, 60s etc.

The real judgement point for deciding how you feel about not having children comes at the point in your life when all possible chance of having a child has passed. Then you know you will die without a child of your own.

Before then there is always the 'perhaps', however unlikely or desirable that is to you. You possibly have both parents alive - you are surrounded by family, busy with work, hopefully have a bit of money coming in, if you're lucky you have good health and the the world is alive with possibilities. It's a different viewing point in your sixties and beyond.

When I was younger people would always say, "Ahhh, but when you get older you might well wish you had them". Seeing the impact grandchildren are having on the lives of my friends I have never been more certain I made the right choice.

There's no right or wrong. Some people suit one way and some the other.
Better that people have the choice than have children they don't want.

Those who seek to remove the choice or dictate to women (Vance, Tate and other agenda driven dirt boxes) are the ones we should be criticising not women who follow their own paths.

@Pleaselettheholidayend The Reddit sub and a few other forums are so awful. I used to frequent that sub about 7 or 8 years ago and it was great, really supportive as I find it hard to talk in real life as my situation is quite niche.

I went back on and off the last couple of years and was totally aghast at how disgusting the terminology is in there.

Like I said earlier they remind me of incels. I support anyone’s decision but I can’t support that awful sub or that way of thinking about parents and children.

I have nothing but respect for parents, we should lift each other up not revel in misery making up dehumanising language. Sorry ranting but I just can’t stand that subreddit.

@FifiFalafel Thats what I’m currently going through, I definitely didn’t expect the range of emotions I’m having as the door closes, I made the best decision considering everything - I will die young, passing on a fatal condition, I have no parents or siblings so keeping emotion out I know did the right thing. But it’s funny how you feel once the decision is also beyond you biologically.

I read a lady say here once ‘I loved my children so much I didn’t have them.’ That’s what I say to those close to me. Their life would have been awful with me. But yes it’s a strange one now that it’s definitely not possible, I wonder about my alternate life where I have children and a husband. But you just have to get on with it with the decision made.

Do you think a bit of that instinct is innate though? I appreciate there's societal pressure but I also think theres an innate drive for kids for some people.

I've always wanted kids since I remember - and my daughter at six months old started picking up random toys and pretending they were her baby (I deliberately didn't buy her any dolls because I didn't want her to have gendered toys).

My DD is nearly two now and still absolutely obsessed with babies. Every time she sees one she runs over and tries to look after them - I was the same as a kid.

And honestly I lived a lot of my adulthood childfree happy enough, but now I love being a parent - it feels like my life is complete.

I don't really understand people who have kids and then moan all the time - just don't have kids if you don't want them or you don't have that burning instinct to have them. I've always had it, so I don't know what it's like to not have that drive or desire

I do think they protest too much sometimes. It’s almost like needing to constantly confirm you’re right because you think the other choice is miserable. I feel like a tiny bit of people like that had to constantly confirm the choice. Happy people don’t need to drag others down and make up awful names for them.

Its almost like they think there’s nothing in between, only happiness or misery. I say this as someone that has observed the child free community for years and I have no children through choice. Also I’m not speaking for all in that community, I know there’s balance.

I think that's the point. Most people that protest happiness at being child free are usually still youngish. Ie 20s/30s/40s.

Bringing up young children is so so hard, and when you're in the thick of it you have days where you wonder what you've done. However I have never met anyone in their 50s + who has ever regretted having children. In fact, it's the opposite. My mum is in her 60s and has a few child free friends who feel great sadness they never got the chance to be a parent. I can't wait to experience the warmth and joy of having all my family around me on Christmas Day when I'm old and grey (for example).

Right now I'm bringing up young children, and of course I feel huge pangs of envy of child free people and their freedom from time to time. But I know I've made the right decision for me in the long term.

I’m in my 60s and do not feel huge regret at not having children even though I did want them just not able to. Not all older people without children are full of regrets and sadness.

However I have never met anyone in their 50s + who has ever regretted having children. In fact, it's the opposite. My mum is in her 60s and has a few child free friends who feel great sadness they never got the chance to be a parent.

My circle of friends is generally women aged 50 to 70. Half of them have children and grandchildren, half don't. The women who have grandchildren frequently bemoan the childcare responsibilities that fall to them and say how exhausting having the grandchildren is. I hear from them the joy of family around the table and holidays with them, but I also hear a lot of, 'If I could have my time again I wouldn't have children'.

I have never heard anyone who is childfree (myself included) say they wished they had children.

Each to their own and long may that continue.

Not all older people without children are full of regrets and sadness.

Some of us are punching the fucking air.

But how many childfree people make videos? I am childfree, as are several of my close friends. None of us bang on about it. Surely child free influencers/vloggers/whatever are no more representative of the broader child free community than 'mumfluencers' are of the vast majority of parents?

Quite.

and having children is not a guarantee that you won’t be lonely and neglected in your old age. Ask anyone who works in a care home.

Being child free and having a group of amazing nieces and nephews means that I spend time with them then hand them back to their parents to enjoy the finer things of a ‘no kids life’ . It’s amazing.

I have a friend who has one DC with her partner and is planning another soon however she absolutely loathes him (DP) and the stresses of parenting- yet she feels compelled/ pressured to have another. It’s madness and utterly tragic at the same time, she’s lost herself in the mix of parenting and a convenient relationship.

Only have DC if you can guarantee providing a loving life for them and not resentment of what has been lost and sacrificed.

Because some parents have nothing going on in their lives except their kids and think everyone should feel the same.

You see it in all groups, we just don't label these parents as extreme the way we would others.

However it's just as annoying when childfree people talk about how much they love childfree life. Isn't it just...your life? I don't talk about how amazing my Rolls Royce/millionaire/prison free life is; the comparison angke is tedious. Don't want kids, fine, noone else is interested, it isn't a badge of honour. Same about the choice to have kids or the perfect number of kids. You do you.

No need to apologise completely agree and I could rant about them for a while! It's sad to hear that the negative tone is depriving people of a community to discuss their life and opinions in a supportive and more considered way. I can definitely see a need for childfree to have a space to discuss as it is still the minority and we are only just really moving towards it being accepted but there is not need for it to come with such negative identification.

Most childfree people only talk about loving their life in response to other people denigrating it and making assumptions about it. But an awful lot of people can’t seem to leave us alone and delight in telling s we are wrong and we’ll regret it when we are old. We get it on the MNers without children board all the time.

I've never really experienced this, but maybe I've been lucky.

Then again, whilst I've made up my mind now, previously while I was on the fence, a not insignificant part of my reasoning was that I can't afford to have them. Which shuts them up pretty quickly.

Same with a wedding. Wealthy friends used to ask me when I'd be having a big wedding... but there's not a lot you can come back with to "I don't have the money".