DH called me a pathetic b****

[Piouspenny]

Our neighbours sent some cupcakes with my son when he returned from a play date. . Unfortunately, they weren't particularly nice so I threw them away; DS and DH aren't particularly fond of cakes so wouldn't have eaten them.

I mentioned this to DS in passing when he asked where the cupcakes were. A few days later, when over their house, he told the neighbours that I threw them away.

It's caused some friction with the neighbours and they have made it clear DS is no longer welcome at their house, which has left him feeling very upset.

DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things.

I know I shouldn't have said anything but I think swearing and being abusive isn't acceptable.

Your husband shouldn't have called you a bitch for something that petty however you could have at least asked DH and DS if they were going to eat them before binning them. It's a bit inconsiderate to just assume they wouldn't like them.
However your neighbour is being ridiculous saying he can't go for playmates anymore.

Your husband shouldn't have called you a bitch for something that petty however you could have at least asked DH and DS if they were going to eat them before binning them. It's a bit inconsiderate to just assume they wouldn't like them.
However your neighbour is being ridiculous saying he can't go for playmates anymore.

I’d be more mortified that I had caused that outcome for my son to be honest.

It sounds as though you were really scornful of the thoughtful gift from your neighbour and didn’t demonstrate any gratitude or appreciation in front of your son at all. If nobody was going to eat them you could have disposed of them discreetly and still sent a message of thanks via your son.
It seems it isn’t the first time your DH has been upset about your off hand criticism. I would think about the bigger picture here and ask yourself if his concerns are valid and make sure they aren’t. Try to avoid any more incidents like this by being less critical and more thoughtful in future.
Your son is suffering from your actions and your husband is no doubt upset about that as well as the fact that you failed to demonstrate basic manners to him.

As for your AIBU, you are correct that swearing and abuse is not acceptable.

So much going on here. That's not okay for your husband to call you that at all. My husband and I can both be pretty mean during an argument but it's very much in the heat of the moment and we apologise after... I hope he has apologised.

The main thing though is I am struggling to imagine a cupcake bad enough to throw away, and the person who made it being delusional enough to be upset about it!!!!

But calling someone a bitch is ok?

To be fair to everyone else involved, OP glosses over a lot of significant detail. We don't know what she actually said to her kid, what her kid actually said to the neighbours, what the "friction " involved or how the argument went.

You get the feeling DH’s outbursts aren’t just about cake.

Your big mistake was not being discreet with your son.

I think OP falls into the “gives it but can’t take it” camp personally.

From how the neighbours reacted could this have been the straw that broke the camels back? What do you think their perspective would be?

Be honest, do you tend to be very negative? I admit I'm a bit of a box mix snob but it's hard to make inedible cupcakes, small children make reasonable ones. Your DH shouldn't have called you a bitch but could he be finding all the negativity relentless from you?

Didn't realise it was the child haha! That told them .Ignore my comment (I'm tired lol)

Thanks for your comments; it was good to read different opinions.

This has been a constant strain on our marriage; DH thinks I am constantly negative about everything but I am just being honest. I feel stifled in our marriage, he gets upset if I say anything that he views as negative. I admit Inhave caused some arguments with his family but I don't believe in letting people walk all over you.

Ah the old I tell it like it is…

Can you leave him? No one should feel stifled by their life partner. He should raise you up, not bring you down.

I suspect he feels the same about her, that she should raise him up instead of constant negativity and sniping comments, while disingenuously saying "I'm just being honest". Faux innocence wears thin.

You don’t sound well suited

Except it sounds to me like he is a doormat outside the home who saves all his aggression for his wife. OP says he blows up at her.

Remember it’s him using abusive language and calling his wife a pathetic bitch. She’s not the one calling him a pathetic dickhead, even though he sounds like one.

OP, whilst it isn't at all ok to call you a bitch, I am wondering just how negative and critical you are.

It is draining and really dispiriting to live with someone hypercritical. They are often always right and routinely pour scorn on anything that doesn't reach their standards. I wonder if this is an aspect of your character and your dh has snapped.

As I said, completely unacceptable to become verbally abusive, but the truth can often lie somewhere in the middle. Only you know if thrown cupcakes is tip of the iceberg.

That's a massive over reaction from DH. My DH would laugh about it and make a silly joke to try and make me see things aren't so bad.
"Hey it's one less Christmas card to write".
It's also a massive over reaction from the neighbours. I personally wouldn't have let on that your son had told me you threw the cakes to avoid awkwardness all round. Your DH is well out of order as are the over sensitive mardy neighbours!!

😂😂😂 fucking called it

Is it just your OH that finds you negative and difficult or is it others as well?

I'm only being honest is usually the response to being called out for being rude. And I don't let people walk all over me very often means I won't compromise its my way or no way .
Why do you feel stifled is it because your DH puts you down or because you don't always get your own way.

Your husband should not have called you this, but ‘I am just being honest’ is cheap cover for a multitude of sins.

Not even giving your family the option to try the cupcakes, which is presumably why DS was asking about them, sounds incredibly controlling

He doesn't sound like a door mat who only blows up at his wife too me. OP States she wishes he would argue in front of the kids , she also admits to being the one to escalate the argument. So she has pissed off the neighbours, her in laws and her DH but its ok because she is honest.

We have no idea what she has said to him. She is skating over anything that might portray her as being responsible.
If my wife was causing problems with my family with her attitude, and now with the neighbours, using our child to shit stir like this, I would probably call them a bitch, or similar too. She is happy to 'be honest' with others, but doesn't much like it when it comes back at her.