DH called me a pathetic b****

[Piouspenny]

Our neighbours sent some cupcakes with my son when he returned from a play date. . Unfortunately, they weren't particularly nice so I threw them away; DS and DH aren't particularly fond of cakes so wouldn't have eaten them.

I mentioned this to DS in passing when he asked where the cupcakes were. A few days later, when over their house, he told the neighbours that I threw them away.

It's caused some friction with the neighbours and they have made it clear DS is no longer welcome at their house, which has left him feeling very upset.

DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things.

I know I shouldn't have said anything but I think swearing and being abusive isn't acceptable.

I also think that "DH has placed the blame squarely on me" is telling - rather than the OP actually acknowledging that she's at fault.

Still, easier to ignore your own failings and run to Mumsnet about how your partner used the b-word I guess.

Well why didn’t he dispose of the cupcakes? He can’t ignore things and then expect them to go his way.

Why would he dispose of them? It sounds as though DS wanted them, despite OP's attempt at justifying her poor behavior.

I think OP just got a thrill from binning them.

OP doesn’t say DS wanted them.

He asked where they were, and she told him she had thrown them out.

If he was asking where they were there then he either wanted them or is one of those rare children with a special interest in the particulars of food storage...

It reads like the OP threw them away same day they were received, or at least before anyone else got to try one. She decided that they weren't nice and that no one else would eat them anyway.

I remember when we were younger my neighbours who followed us to our new neighbourhood, loved my mums cooking. So my mum would give them whatever they wanted. But the neighbour auntie would feel she had to also return the favours, her food was awful. My mum still ate it as she felt bad throwing it away.

It's hard for cupcakes to be all that not nice.

10 quid bet that the OP ate them all, didn't want to admit it and accidentally started this debacle.

YANBU. Your husband was wrong to say that and should apologize.
The neighbours are being ridiculously petty, banning your kid just because you didn't want the cupcakes. For all they know you are ona diet and trying to avoid temptation, or for all they know you or your husband could be diabetic.
You'rd getting some unwarranted grief here for telling your son you threw them away, but he asked where they were, so what else could you do.

IKR. Banning the kid is crazy behaviour.

Exactly.

It's probably the case that they don't want anything more to do with the OP, including hosting more play dates, rather than being upset at the child himself.

I'd actually love to know what exactly the "friction with the neighbors" looked like, and what exactly was said. Feels rather glossed over.

I feel there's a lot missing to this story. Husband didn't start off swearing. There must be a lot OP has left out in the "escalation" between OP telling her husband he's being ridiculous and husband's insult.

I also feel OP wanted the neighbours to know she threw them out. There's something just off with this story. I doubt all this is just about cupcakes.

Doesn't matter. They are still punishing the child for what his mother did. They don't even have to see her for playdates, she or her husband can just drop the boy off and pick him up without coming in the house.

I think any attempt to smooth things over with the neighbours is just a version of digging a bigger hole. In those circumstances, if I was the neighbours I mightn't have been thrilled but I wouldn't have referred to it further or thrown your son out. So what if the cupcakes were dry and tasteless and they weren't eaten. I don't like them that much myself and it's not as if you asked them to send them over. The neighbours are just weird.

Somebody should have a chat with your son about social cues and the kind "white" lie.

I am agog at your husband's thought processes that led to him calling you a pathetic b because you were unduly critical of the neighbour's cupcakes. Calling your wife a pathetic b is several notches up from criticising an inanimate cupcake. So, if I've got this right, you're not to say anything negative about anyone or anything and if you do, then he supportively and non-negatively calls you a pathetic b.

I'm sure that there is a lot more wrong with this marriage. At first glance, your husband appears thick and unpleasant. Neither of these things appears likely to change.

Sadly the poor kid takes the punishment for this.

I think you DH is out or order, in your own home you should be able express your self and not feel like it could be taken out the house. I don't understand why he has had to be blunt and tell them. I would be going mad if that was my partner. He could have said "the cakes were great,thanks". He's started the drama. Hope your ok

It was the child who told them.

How old is your son?

Your husband is horrible and a nasty person who shouldn't be talking to you like that under any circumstances.

Your son if younger than teenage probably needed it explained to him that he should not tell the neighbour they were thrown away.

Depending how young he is, if very young, you shouldn't have told him as very young kids wouldn't really be relied on to understand or remember not withhold this kind of information from a neighbour.

But even then, your husband is being nasty you and a creep.

On many threads I’ve read posters tell the OP their partner/DH is an arsehole/ a dick/ wanker/ bastard etc and tell her to tell him this over their ‘wrong’ behaviour.

We have no idea what the dynamic is like here. It sounds like the OP’s husband doesn’t approve of/like her mother and is on hyper alert for the perceived negative traits showing themselves in her and their children.

Name calling is never a good thing, it’s rarely justified but it can usually be explained.

If OP is the type of person who is generally negative and disapproving of others and her husband is noticing her become more like her mother in this way it will naturally annoy and concern him, especially if he feels it will be adopted by their children.

You can dislike something but it’s the way you show and act upon it.

If OP found hairs or unidentifiable gross-looking objects in or on the cupcakes she would obv be justified in binning.

If she thought they weren’t sweet enough or the texture was a joke and proceeded to criticise the neighbour’s culinary skills, which led onto other criticisms like the state of their garden, the tacky decor, how much weight neighbour had put on etc, I can understand her DH getting fed up with her, especially if it’s a common monologue.

It seems rather extreme to bin simply bc she didn’t like them. Justifying this by saying the rest of her family don’t really eat cakes is dismissive and presumptuous and probably to vindicate her actions and her verdict that the quality isn’t up to standard. Did you offer any of them to any of them, OP?

If OP said to her son she’d accidentally dropped them/ the cat had licked them etc it would perhaps have been ‘nicer’ than - “They aren’t very nice so I chucked them” etc. It’s a lesson learned that kids innocently repeat things and if he was asked by another adult who he trusted and liked he’d have given them an honest answer. It’s really sad to think the neighbour would have probably got visibly upset/angry and the poor child wouldn’t have understood why and certainly wouldn’t have meant to say the wrong thing, bless him. He probably wouldn’t have thought his mum would have said something mean about them so it wouldn’t have occurred to tell a white lie. Very unfair he is being punished for essentially telling the truth!

Sounds like there’s a lot of growing up to be done all round, but mainly the adults.

not an excuse to act so badly is it ?

I think theres few things here,

I wouldn’t have thrown cupcakes away just because I decided they weren’t nice and that my family doesn’t really eat cake. I would have thought “oh thats really kind of them to make some cake and give it to us” then I would have put it on the side incase anyone wanted to eat them. The fact that your son came looking for them indicates he was planning to eat one.

You say your Dh doesn’t like it if you are critical of people, are you very critical about other people a lot? Because to me that sounds like you moan about other people a bit and it’s negative.

I think your sons been told he’s not welcome because it’s quite rude to tell someone you chucked a gift of food. Not necessarily about the food as such. It wouldn’t bother me though depending on age.

Your husband should never ever swear at you, thats flat out unacceptable.

Everyone involved here sounds a little tense.
I wouldn't care of it was for me but for your son I would explain to the neighbours I was on a diet which was the real reason, little white lie. Only you can decide if you want to stay with your angry husband.