DH called me a pathetic b****

[Piouspenny]

Our neighbours sent some cupcakes with my son when he returned from a play date. . Unfortunately, they weren't particularly nice so I threw them away; DS and DH aren't particularly fond of cakes so wouldn't have eaten them.

I mentioned this to DS in passing when he asked where the cupcakes were. A few days later, when over their house, he told the neighbours that I threw them away.

It's caused some friction with the neighbours and they have made it clear DS is no longer welcome at their house, which has left him feeling very upset.

DH has placed the blame squarely on me, calling me a bitch, amongst other things.

I know I shouldn't have said anything but I think swearing and being abusive isn't acceptable.

She did say that tbf. It’s in the OP.

Did the kids make the cakes in their play date op? Is that why he brought them home? Because if they did and you chucked them and said they were not nice that’s very cruel.

I got the impression the friend’s mother made them and that’s why she’s got the hump.

His anger was about me telling DS the cupcakes weren't nice, he said I should have told a white lie.

Team DH here.

@Tellysavelas

They’re OP’s own words, she said she feels stifled by him and that she feels they’re ill suited.

You're determined to make the DH the bad guy and the OP a saint. It sounds like she feels stifled because she doesn't like him wanting her to rein in her 'I tell it like it is', 'I'm just being honest'. Someone who takes OP's approach can find themselves one day with no friends.

I’ve not made Op be a saint. But at least she’s admitted to her shortcomings, as I said upthread. She has been honest and has been kicked for it.

Somehow a husband who has called his wife a pathetic bitch for throwing away some cakes that no one wanted has been turned into a hero here.

Somehow a husband who has called his wife a pathetic bitch for throwing away some cakes that no one wanted has been turned into a hero here

Just your bog standard MN pile on.

You really are missing the point here.

Her son bought them home from a play date, it isn't up to OP to decide that the cakes are so rubbish they need throwing in the bin before anyone gets to have any, the son may have wanted to eat one, he may not have done, that really isn't the point.

It is insensitive at best, it is nasty at worst. Either way it was completely unnecessary, and then she started calling her husband names when he questions if it could have been handled more tactfully.

There's no sticking the boot in.. it's all right there in OP's posts.

So if I am grasping things correctly, you called him wet and he called you a pathetic bitch? Both as equally as humiliating as the other in my opinion and you’re both in the wrong. As you have said he does not usually behave in such a manner and is mindful that he doesn’t argue around the children which is the right and healthy thing to do then you may need to look at this a bit more closely.

You actively told your child that you put the cakes that had been given to him in the bin. Did your child and husband try them or like them beforehand or did you just go nuclear and decide you didn’t like them so they only deserved to go in the bin?

The real crux of the issue here is that your husband often says your predominant character flaw is that you’re negative and unkind about people. This is obviously an ongoing point of contention in your marriage and from what you’ve said yourself I can see why. It doesn’t excuse his behaviour but everyone has a breaking point and it’s easy to see how he could have reached the end of his tether, especially if you’ve caused issues with his family when you’ve acted without thought to others feelings who have done nothing to offend you like the neighbours.

I think it’s important to be honest with people about important issues that could have a detrimental affect on those around them that has potential to escalate into a harmful or significant problem. This isn’t one of those situations. There are multiple ways that you could have dealt with this situation without causing so much offence and upset to people. Your husband is right, you could have told a harmless white lie to your son to save his feelings and now he’s actively been affected by not being allowed around your neighbours house. I think you’re being very shortsighted here and not really understanding how your desire to be “brutally honest” has caused repercussions for your son who is now affected through no fault of his own. That’s who matters here. Also the neighbours as well who tried to do something nice. Not everyone gets things right in life but to respect someone’s good intentions when it literally has zero bearing on your life and to act as you have is rude and selfish. This should read “I’ve badly offended my neighbours through my thoughtless behaviour and I’m mortified” not more along the lines of “My husband has called me a bitch for upsetting our son and neighbours needlessly”.

Name calling from your husband is never right but if this is a build up of a repeated behaviour pattern then I can see why he would be frustrated because you’ve caused a great deal of unnecessary embarrassment for the rest of your family. Calling someone wet is degrading and if you often react like this to people pointing out when you’ve behaved poorly then I can see how he’s reached breaking point and snapped. I’m not saying this is definitely the case but if you can apply your brutally honest approach that you execute towards others to yourself and this rings true then it’s definitely something you are going to need to work on. If you don’t you will potentially fracture relationships with people indefinitely.

Ultimately it’s exhausting being with someone or even being friends with someone who constantly hyper critical of people and feels the compelling need to be negative about others particularly if it’s directed at you. It’s a terrible trait in a person and extremely grating and off putting. It also indicates that a person’s self esteem must be very low to constantly need to find fault in others.

I think you’re focusing completely on the wrong here and you need to find a way to make amends with your son and your neighbour and stop being self centric and making this situation of your own making about yourself.

Exactly, I’m glad you see it too.

Your DH was rude, but you were pretty stupid to tell your son what you did with the cupcakes. 🙄

We really have no idea how long these cakes sat around for. They could have been there for a couple of days.

What was OP supposed to do, go around asking every few hours if anyone fancied a cake, to two people who don’t like cake?

In this situation he was right to say you should have told a white lie. I would have just said daddy ate them all or something because obviously a child will tell the truth if asked about them. Had you of not thought he was being wet and had the same thought as him your child would still be welcome to play at his friends house. Your insult of calling him wet started the argument because you said after that it escalated…. I don’t agree with him calling you a bitch but you both are as bad as each other here name calling

She is being economical with the facts. She has declined despite repeat requests to state the age of DS or to answer whether DS and/or DH were given the opportunity to decline cupcakes

He was right about the cupcakes.

He wasn't wet and you were unkind

What's wrong with a white lie?

Where has she been honest about her shortcomings?
Any comment which is even adjacent to admitting some responsibility or fault is caveated or justified.

You're so keen to stick to facts, she never said they sat round for a couple of days and no one ate them did she? That would have been a different situation altogether, obviously.

She said they "aren't particularly fond of" cakes, not that they don't like them, her son came looking for them, and her DH may have wanted to at least try one, no one knows because they weren't given the chance.

Then she started calling her husband names when he suggested she shouldn't have told their child they were not nice or that she had binned them.

At that point it escalated into an argument, because her DH is sick of her being negative and critical all the time, which OP admits that she is, and has admitted that she's caused problems with her DHs family by being like it, now she's caused problems with the neighbours for being like it, which has caused the son is being punished because she is like it.. all of which was completely unnecessary and spiteful.

I wouldn't call my other half names, but I wouldn't call them 'ridiculous' and 'wet' for voicing an opinion either, so it sounds very tit for tat.

Why are you twisting things? It's all there in her posts.

Jesus Christ.

I wonder why you left the details of the argument out of the Op?

Do you usually do that? Just point out the bits your husband does wrong and pretend you did also throw around insults?

Ah " I tell it like it is" speaks volumes
You're confrontational and your DH is over sensitive
DS is confused and upset

No, she said "they aren't particularly fond...."

That's a big difference

You insulted him, he insulted you back. If you're at the point that you are having such ridiculous, petty arguments over cupcakes then FFS, get a grip.

Poor kid stuck in the middle of you both has just lost a friend because of you. THAT is what you should be worried about.

Poor kid stuck in the middle of you both has just lost a friend because of you. THAT is what you should be worried about.

She's just telling it like it is, and everyone should just deal with it... I wonder how much the neighbours have to deal with. Poor kid indeed.

For goodness sake.

Quite. The “I’m just so honest I can’t help myself” thinly veiled excuse to justify being spiteful to people. It’s the same excuse teeangers use to bully others “well I was just being honest sir”. Sadly it does speak volumes and I cannot believe posters are going out of their way to defend it citing that everyone who disagrees with the OP is making a martyr out of the husband. This isn’t a sex based issue, because it’s a man and a woman but a generally being a moral and courteous person issue.

she never said they sat round for a couple of days and no one ate them did she?

Yes, which is why I said ‘We really have no idea how long these cakes sat around for. They could have been there for a couple of days.’ And it’s a possibility.

She said they "aren't particularly fond of" cakes, not that they don't like them,

She also said THEY WOULDN’T HAVE EATEN THEM.

I’ve not twisted anything, you are getting increasingly tedious and laborious.

She also said THEY WOULDN’T HAVE EATEN THEM.