Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

For me, as a child, my magical memories of christmas, are in my own home. Though, unlike my friends, we did go visiting after lunch. YABU

YABU, you need to either prioritise your friends/church or your son and his family as you can't have it both ways. As others have said, travelling with young kids is a faff, it's far easier for you to go to them. Both my and DH's families live overseas, long haul flights away so if grandparents and siblings didn't come to us, we'd only see them every couple of years at most. Pre-kids, I travelled regularly and at great expense to see my family as it was easier for me to go to them and I could more easily afford it - we never in 15 years of me living abroad did Christmas in the country I was living in and that was totally fine. Now, it's far more difficult and expensive and since my DC my parents have been coming to see us, also staying in hotels, without complaint. If they couldn't/didn't want to come I'd be fine with it of course but not if they started guilt tripping me into going to them instead because they wanted to have Christmas at home AND see the DC.

People saying it will be a hassle them dragging present up etc... seem to be apply British logic but have missed that she is Serbian and they like to celebrate her culture which don't do presents on Christmas day traditionally.

It's more a day for church, carols and feasting which was backed up by OP saying they attend the church ceremony.

I imagine your DIL travelled to Serbia not just to see her parents but to see her friends and probably other important relatives who can't all visit them in the UK especially when there's no room to host them. If you come from another country, it is really precious to have the time to go see everyone and relive for a week or so the life you left behind. I know many people who go back "home" regularly even though there is nobody left to visit - they only go there to eat, shop, breathe in the air - to get that home coming feel...it's not hard to see why if only you would close your eyes and imagine yourself living in Serbia with new husband and young kids, wouldn't you want to go home to the UK for Christmas? And for a couple of times a year go home to see everyone, have a proper fish & chips, a roast dinner, go shop at M&S?

Your DS sounds lovely and he's trying to keep everyone happy, it's not fair to make more demand on him. If you want a more festive Christmas why not try Airbnb instead of a hotel? One that has a proper dining table which can host all of you for Christmas dinner would make a massive difference.

It's not 'mean', it's the grandmother who is being inconsiderate and inflexible when she is more mobile and should be more thoughtful about her son's family.
How is she being mean and inflexible? She's asking if it would be reasonable for her to get Christmas at home with her extended family once in a while. She's not expecting every year, she's not made any demands of anyone. She's just considering requesting that her son and his family are a bit flexible some years like she has been.

I think you're pretty lucky (or presumptuous) to spend every Christmas with them, no matter where it is. They might not want to do that. Have you ever checked?!

The children are 1 and 3.

Have you forgotten that its difficult to travel with kids that age? Having to travel TWICE in a couple of weeks is a BIG ask. Her parents will have to get visas to come to the UK which isn't a cheap or easy process - and they may not be issued with them because they are outside the EU and travel from Serbia is much more restricted due to tight UK immigration. This means it is not necessarily a choice for them over whether they travel there or not.

They are trying to do the best thing for the kids. You have an argument about sharing the travel when the kids are a bit older. But for now, you are being unreasonable under the circumstances, which are difficult.

I also would point out the cost of travel. If they live very centrally in London, then you are going to have to consider the cost for them as a family of four travelling to see you AS WELL AS travelling to see her family so close together. It may well be the case that they can't afford it - and might not be able to afford it in the future either (keeping in mind there are four of them and I'm guessing they possibly don't have a car) versus the two of you.

I think you need to let the kids get a bit bigger and then perhaps offer to pay the cost of travel if you want to facilitate them coming to you for Christmas. I doubt they are being difficult, I suspect they are just trying to juggle the reality of the situation.

Other end of the UK. And apparently the roads only go one way. None of them has come this way for 12 years.

It's because they HAVE to travel to Serbia to see her family in January that they also can't/won't travel to the NE to see you at the end of December. Don't you see that? Air travel with kids is way, way more difficult than two adults getting on a train for a few hours.

I think you're being quite unfair about their trips to Serbia. What do you know about her parent's finances? Perhaps it's not very affordable for them to visit, also as PP have said, it's not just seeing her parents, it's her home country. They already see you much more than her family it sounds like?

Do you normally drive down or take the train when you visit at Christmas? Every time I've taken cross country trains at Christmas time in England it's been a total disaster - cancellations, delays, standing room only - awful!

It sounds like you want your son and DIL to inconvenience themselves so you can show your GC off to your church friends, who you already see every week.

@ItTook9Years Hmm, DH’s younger sister is like that, can’t travel apparently, but everyone else can!

That's SO excessive! And I say that as a mum of adult children myself. Do you not consider, that they may want to spend some of their annual leave either going away as a nuclear family of 4, or romantic time as a couple, or visiting friends? No one wants to spend 20 full days of annual leave with their parents. It sounds suffocating!!

I do think YABU.
For them, travelling with ch and all of the paraphernalia (not to mention gifts!) that comes with it, is hard work at any time, least of all Christmas.

Some options-

• Just don’t go. Stay at home and attend your church and do your thing.
• Make your own home really festive through the whole of December so that when you get to your hotel in London, you don’t feel like you’ve missed out on all that.
• Stay in an Airbnb instead when you go, so that it does feel festive.
• Visit them earlier in December for “faux Christmas” and then do your own thing at home on actual Christmas.
• Embrace the hell out of it. There must be so many nice, festive, fun things to do in London that, by the time to return to your hotel at night to rear your head, you won’t really care about lack of decoration or festive vibes.

A lot of us are saying we've done similar journeys on trains - and have experience of travel at Christmas when train are just busier - and understand why Op DS family may not be keen.

A few years on and it may well be much less of a dauting prospect and OP may have better luck suggesting it again.

She already suggested it and be told no - she can't make or insist they travel up for this Christmas.

She does have options she can go before Christmas to London and see them and then have Christmas in her own home but she doesn't want to do that. So best bet wait till kids are older parents less stressed and suggest it again.

My parents come for about that long that many times as it's a long journey. It takes up a tiny amount of annual leave, they come over weekends or school holidays so are often also providing childcare for which we are massively grateful.

Do you know:
a) how wages compare to the UK? Her parents probably are unable to afford to come to the UK
b) you are aware that they would need a visa to come to uk even on holiday? This requires providing proof of various documentation and that you have sufficient funds and savings. There is also a cost to applying for a visa, with no guarentee of one being approved. Its time consuming to apply for.

Meanwhile Brits and people with British Residency can just hop on a plane and go across the Serbian border without any of this hassle.

I think you are probably being pretty ignorant about the practicalities of her family being able to visit if I'm honest.

agree, OP seems quite ignorant and bit snooty about the trips to Serbia.

how wages compare to the UK? Her parents probably are unable to afford to come to the UK

presumably “family” is more than just her parents too.

I've not read the full thread so maybe this has already been suggested but why can't your DH drive down and pick them up and bring them to yours for Christmas and then take them back? This would be less hassle than them coming on the train and I can quite see how they don't want to do that with small children

Just a thought

This. The big celebration in Serbian, analogous to Christmas in the UK, is New Years.

Aside from obviously getting to see her family, and the children their grandparents, spending Christmas in Serbia, and engaging in the traditions, are a way of keeping the children connected to their culture.

My parents took my brother and I back to Serbia for holidays too. Always enjoyed it, and am glad they did.

I agree with other people that the children are very young and this is perhaps an unfair ask at the moment.

Like most family issues on here this would be best solved with some communication and a direct conversation with your DS.

Most children are more comfortable and happy in their own homd, surrounded by their own toys, and sleep and eat better at home. I have always felt that i want my small family unit to remain at hpme for christmas, and if grandparents would like to join us thats fine. They are retired with all the time in the world to relax in their own home, whereas we work 40 hrs a week and crave that downtime at home with our children.
I actually think it's quite selfish and controlling when grandparents want everyone to return to their house for christmas - usually its so that they can control the christmas proceedings: food the way they want it and the time they want it served, tv on what they want to watch, doing what they want to do.

I would recommend the OP takes a trip to Serbia to get some perspective on costs and affordability...

It's a country which is very interesting to visit.

Certainly it changes your preconceptions...

The roads are also chaos at Xmas. And it sounds like they don’t want to travel.

If I were you I would go and visit in the run up to Xmas and spend the actual day at home. They do spend a decent amount of time with you really throughout the year especially with such young children. I wouldn't mention the Serbia trips.