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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so floored by this comment

127 replies

Applebyapples · 30/09/2024 13:06

For background, since having a third child I can't find much time to look after myself, am too exhausted to eat well as my third has had some health issues on top of everything else, and my weight has crept up to the point I'm now a size 18-20. The excess weight doesn't go on me evenly though, a lot of it goes on my tummy and the fact is I look like I'm pregnant. Every now and then someone comments thinking I'm expecting and it knocks my confidence, but usually I get over it fairly quickly. However I just can't get over an incident that happened on Friday, I know I'm probably being unreasonable and need some sense talked into me.

I was going to a friend's hen party and felt quite self-conscious as I knew some people who I hadn't seen since I put the weight on would be there, probably judging my appearance. However I got my hair, eyebrows and nails done, wore a new top that I thought was quite flattering and actually arrived feeling quite happy and confident. However, I'd only been there about half an hour when someone I'd never met before walked in and immediately made a comment that assumed I was pregnant.

This really knocked my confidence, I'd been feeling good about myself and was even wearing control underwear for goodness' sake! But obviously everyone still only needs a quick look at me to assume I must be pregnant. I tried to brush it off and stay upbeat but spent the rest of the evening feeling like crap, hated it when I had to join in with games and all eyes were on me, and left as soon as politely possible. Since then I've been feeling upset and really worried about attending the wedding in three weeks...there'll be other people there who I haven't seen for years who will presumably also be thinking how rubbish and fat I look, and however much effort I make to look nice it obviously won't make any difference.

So tell me, am I unreasonable to be feeling like this or should I just have brushed it off by now? And would I be unreasonable to make an excuse to not attend the wedding?

OP posts:
Pyroleus · 30/09/2024 13:10

I mean, you say yourself "the fact is I look pregnant" so I guess it's to be expected that some very tactless people are going to ask you? I would never do it personally, but I was amazed at how many people asked me if I was pregnant even when I only had a tiny bump - people do take huge risks with asking!
I guess it's just something you'll have to learn to shrug off, unpleasant as it is? Come up with a cutting response which at least might make them think twice about asking anyone again?

IamnotSethRogan · 30/09/2024 13:12

You're absolutely not unreasonable to feel down, it must feel awful. Though we all do it, it really helps me.to realise that people generally aren't thinking about us as much as we think about ourselves. The person who made the comment wasn't think how fat and awful you looked, they briefly thought you were pregnant, I assume were corrected and either felt mortified or didn't really think about it.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/09/2024 13:25

We've probably all made these assumptions in the past. I offended someone once by offering her my chair when I thought she was pg and she wasn't. Now I don't assume. But the problem is that if someone you know IS pg you don't want to ignore it! You want to discuss it or congratulate them. OTOH. when you're pg it feels special (hopefully) and you don't want people to ignore it. So other people can't win! You make your best guess and hope you don't offend if you're wrong, either way.

Catza · 30/09/2024 13:29

The simply truth is that most people don't comment that you are pregnant because they think you are "fat and disgusting". They comment that you are pregnant because they think you are pregnant.
The problem is that you think those awful things about yourself. You gained weight, you know you gained weight. They are not telling you anything new. Now you need to decide if gaining weight should stop you from enjoying your life (i.e. going to the wedding).

PassingStranger · 30/09/2024 13:33

Dismiss it. The more you think about it and talk about it, the bigger it gets In your mind.

BESTAUNTB · 30/09/2024 13:35

I think the issue here is not people’s foolish lack of thought before commenting (which absolutely YANBU to be offended about) but your exhaustion and your inability to find time to exercise/relax. Three young children, one with extra support needs, is tough and you need some time out for yourself sometimes. Not in order to obtain a flat, pre-DC stomach (that isn’t important right now) but for your wellbeing and fitness.

Ponoka7 · 30/09/2024 13:35

Go to the wedding. The less you do, the less you bother with yourself. The exhaustion you feel now, won't be forever. I have been in a similar position and eating better upped my energy. Goal scoring makes us feel better about ourselves. Some small goals could be around what you eat. Not necessarily less, but more nutritious. Utilise any help you can, friends/family/the children's father. As said, those people haven't looked at you and seen fat and disgusting, they've just thought pregnant. Three children in and a carer, your size is about average. Be kind to yourself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/09/2024 13:36

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/09/2024 13:25

We've probably all made these assumptions in the past. I offended someone once by offering her my chair when I thought she was pg and she wasn't. Now I don't assume. But the problem is that if someone you know IS pg you don't want to ignore it! You want to discuss it or congratulate them. OTOH. when you're pg it feels special (hopefully) and you don't want people to ignore it. So other people can't win! You make your best guess and hope you don't offend if you're wrong, either way.

Yes you can, you can say nothing - and then if the woman is pregnant and wants acknowledgement she's bound to say something about babies so you have your cue and can gush away about it.

I've made that faux pas once and vowed never to do it again. If you're really stuck, saying nothing at all will not cause offence, saying the wrong thing really could.

RandomMess · 30/09/2024 13:36

She thought you were pregnant because you carry your weight on your stomach.

I do too even when slim.

You learn to dress to "hide" it.

Some of these things may be tricky if you have huge boobs but I wear a structured padded bra and wear things that skim over my tummy. So tunic straight dress/top.

Being apple shaped is rubbish Flowers

JumperStripes · 30/09/2024 13:38

So tell me, am I unreasonable to be feeling like this or should I just have brushed it off by now? And would I be unreasonable to make an excuse to not attend the wedding?

YANBU to feel how you do but YABU to consider making an excuse to not attend, especially this late in the day.

Perhaps try to channel this hurt into determination to be healthier, reduce portion sizes and lose weight.

NewtonsCradle · 30/09/2024 13:42

It might be that last time you were mentioned you were pregnant with your 3rd, so she walked in and asked about your pregnancy not realising how much time had passed. A lot of people prepare things to say in a social situation before they've even entered the room.

TeenLifeMum · 30/09/2024 13:42

I’m sorry this happened. I was offered a seat on a train due to my condition… I was size 10-12 and not particularly heavy on the tummy. It really hits the confidence. I think the worst part is that the person saying it isn’t deliberately being a bitch. So much easier if they are.

Take a breath and start finding ways to look after yourself and try to put her comment out of your mind.

Completelyjo · 30/09/2024 13:43

I get why you feel upset and generally I wouldn’t ever comment unless I knew someone is pregnant but equally you always acknowledge your belly does look pregnant so there’s not much that can really be done.

Having your hair and nails done and wearing a new top doesn’t really come into it. Women aren’t disgusting and ugly because they are pregnant, it wasn’t an insult.

Yes you would be unreasonable to pull out of a wedding at the last minute due to this.

Awfeck · 30/09/2024 13:43

They didn't say you didn't look nice, op. They thought you were pregnant. Which is how you, yourself described how you look.

You can just live with it, or start a diet. How old is the baby?

Also, if you wanted to, you have time to lose a good few pounds before the wedding.

LouH1981 · 30/09/2024 13:45

I don’t think you are being unreasonable about feeling rubbish about the comment. I would never say that to anyone unless I absolutely knew someone was pregnant. I only have two children and have piled on the weight let alone the extra pressure you have had.
But do go to the wedding. You are obviously a very special friend to the bride otherwise you wouldn’t have been on her hen do. Maybe confide in another friend and go shopping together for an outfit to help you feel confident enough to go.
It also sounds like you really deserve to let your hair down with everything you have going on xx

Hoplolly · 30/09/2024 13:45

I gain all my weight on my tummy so also look about 6 months pregnant when I am a stone or two overweight. I learned to dress better - there are certain styles where you can avoid the pregnant look but now I am losing the weight. It sounds like this is something that is upsetting for you on a semi-regular basis so why not try and change what you can control?

SnowFrogJelly · 30/09/2024 13:49

People are so tactless.. I had comments like that after my first, it's horrible but try to ignore and move on

MintyNew · 30/09/2024 13:49

Sorry op, that must feel awful but you know it wasn't done maliciously. FWIW I'm a very petite size 8-10 and carry my weight around my tummy too. It looks even worse because I'm small all over then had this tummy. It really depressed me, until I started working on it. How old is your baby? It's super easy to get so tied up with keeping on top of the kids and forget about yourself.

TeabySea · 30/09/2024 13:51

I think there are 2 different issues here.
OPs sense of self esteem about her weight/size.
People saying stuff.

OP, wear what makes you feel good. If you have more time as the children start to grow, you can hopefully carve out some "Me time " to address diet and exercise as you see fit. Please don't think that people are viewing you in a negative way, they're not.

As for people asking "Are you pregnant?" Just stop. Don't ask women that. There are myriad reasons why someone may be carrying more weight, or be swollen around the stomach. Not all are positive, and not all are up for discussion.
If you think someone is pregnant, hold that thought until you're either told as much, or you can see the baby emerging.

SauviGone · 30/09/2024 13:52

I thought everyone had got the memo by now that you don’t ever pass a comment about a woman being pregnant, unless you know for sure she’s pregnant.

These people aren’t being malicious though. But I understand why it would upset you.

Projectme · 30/09/2024 13:52

I'm sorry you feel rubbish about this OP and I don't think YABU to feel the way you do. It is difficult to put everything else aside to focus on being the healthiest person you can be, particularly with young children. But you should go to the wedding! You're still the same person that the bride/groom invited, irrespective of what the scales say or what size clothing you wear!

But you really have to be a Grade A Bitch to make that kind of comment KNOWING that the person ISN'T pregnant. So the person, in all likelihood, thought you were genuinely pregnant and made a comment accordingly. She most likely didn't mean to offend and probably felt horrendous when you said you weren't pregnant. (Personally, I would never ask if someone was pregnant because of this very issue - you just never know!!)

ThorndonCream · 30/09/2024 13:53

I told my sons not to mention pregnancy till they actually saw the head crowning. I follow the same rule. But some people just don't censor what they say and just blurt the first thing which comes to mind.

It seems to me that the key thing is that you must force yourself to set some time aside for self care. Have you had your thyroid checked? You say that are too exhausted to eat well but obviously you are eating too much or you would be losing that weight. Overeating or eating junk food doesn't give you more energy. It brings a whole host of health problems.

I put on massive amounts of weight when I was pregnant both times and was able to lose it by cutting out snacks and doing a a 45 minute brisk walk every evening. If the weather was bad I exercycled for 30 minutes. I was desperate to fit into my "normal" clothes again when I was just bursting out of everything I owned - including raincoats. I couldn't get even stretch trousers past my calves let alone my hips. I was lucky that my husband took care of the children when I exercised and he did help by cooking lower calorie type meals and kept junk food out of the house.

Weight can just sort of sneak up on a person. I had been trying to tell myself that my recent weight gain was just the result of the menopause and it wasn't worth trying to diet it down and it would make my face look gaunt etc. I finally realised that my spare tire was not staying where it was but was increasing. I was choosing clothes to try to hide it and wearing control underwear. I scrutinised everything I wore to see if the fat was poking out. I have a small frame and I was not looking curvaceous but just a bit chubby. I have cut out junk food and am trying to get more exercise and I have so far lost about half of the excess weight. I just feel so much better that I have tackled the fat that I spent a year or so justifying to myself as not being too bad and squeezing into clothes that had ceased to fit or be flattering a few pounds ago. So far my face is looking just fine.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. It's not meant to be.

outforawalkbiatch · 30/09/2024 13:59

SauviGone · 30/09/2024 13:52

I thought everyone had got the memo by now that you don’t ever pass a comment about a woman being pregnant, unless you know for sure she’s pregnant.

These people aren’t being malicious though. But I understand why it would upset you.

Yep, people shouldn't
I often look heavily pregnant due to endo, the irony being I can't have DC due to the endo severity

Starlight7080 · 30/09/2024 14:03

It's madness people feel the need to comment on other people's appearance still.
Especially as weight around the stomach can also be endo/pcos and other similar problems .
And age related. I'm 40 plus and weight has just naturally gravitated to my stomach . Mixed with a few c sections that I did not bounce back from 😆.
I bet you looked lovely. Be proud of your curves

Lentilweaver · 30/09/2024 14:03

I am 52 and a size 10 to 12. Still asked if I am pregnant by rude people! I am genetically prone to carrying weight on my belly. Even when I lose weight it goes off my bust instead. Got worse with menopause.

Its upsetting and I feel for you.