To be so floored by this comment

[Applebyapples]

For background, since having a third child I can't find much time to look after myself, am too exhausted to eat well as my third has had some health issues on top of everything else, and my weight has crept up to the point I'm now a size 18-20. The excess weight doesn't go on me evenly though, a lot of it goes on my tummy and the fact is I look like I'm pregnant. Every now and then someone comments thinking I'm expecting and it knocks my confidence, but usually I get over it fairly quickly. However I just can't get over an incident that happened on Friday, I know I'm probably being unreasonable and need some sense talked into me.

I was going to a friend's hen party and felt quite self-conscious as I knew some people who I hadn't seen since I put the weight on would be there, probably judging my appearance. However I got my hair, eyebrows and nails done, wore a new top that I thought was quite flattering and actually arrived feeling quite happy and confident. However, I'd only been there about half an hour when someone I'd never met before walked in and immediately made a comment that assumed I was pregnant.

This really knocked my confidence, I'd been feeling good about myself and was even wearing control underwear for goodness' sake! But obviously everyone still only needs a quick look at me to assume I must be pregnant. I tried to brush it off and stay upbeat but spent the rest of the evening feeling like crap, hated it when I had to join in with games and all eyes were on me, and left as soon as politely possible. Since then I've been feeling upset and really worried about attending the wedding in three weeks...there'll be other people there who I haven't seen for years who will presumably also be thinking how rubbish and fat I look, and however much effort I make to look nice it obviously won't make any difference.

So tell me, am I unreasonable to be feeling like this or should I just have brushed it off by now? And would I be unreasonable to make an excuse to not attend the wedding?

I've ALWAYS had a sticky out tummy whether I've been any size between 8- 18 and many times I've had pregnancy comments when I wasn't pregnant. It hurts regardless of size- especially delivered with a side eye from a bartender while I had a cigarette and can of Stella in one hand! The confused look on my face made her realise her mistake and she was mortified! I just laugh it off and say it's a food baby. All you can do is try and dress as flattering (ie as camouflaging) as possible, try your best to lose the weight (easier said than done, I've had 2 kids now!) & take any comments on the chin. "No I'm not pregnant, certain foods are making me bloat at the minute" should shut people up.
It was always a relief for me to actually BE pregnant and not worry about hiding my belly!

Only a true clod would make a remark like that. Everyone knows by now not to speculate about pregnancy.

Just tell yourself "Those who mind (your weight) don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." And take this as a wake-up call that you need and deserve self-care.

A friend who's never borne children was about 30 and standing in line somewhere, she carries her weight out front and a man said loudly "Looks like twins any day now!" She coldly replied "I'm not pregnant." He was the one who looked the fool.

This

I am guilty of having done this once. It was a school mum who was very slim and just had the bump and the words just flew out of my mouth to congratulate her. She was just bloated. She laughed it off and said I wasn't the first. She did wear a really tight outfit that kind of enhanced the bump but I felt like crap afterwards. I have never ever made that comment again to the point that some are vexed that I haven't "noticed ":). OP, that woman is beautiful and I had no other thought than oh She's pregnant how lovely. Nobody thinks you're disgusting, please change that narrative about yourself. Go to the wedding, have fun, feel beautiful. We are all having negative thoughts about ourselves please bear that in mind.

I once met a woman who I kept seeing who looked pregnant. A good about to pop pregnancy

I was absolutely mortified when she told me she wasn’t and she got it all the time. Ever since then I have NEVER. Ever ever said to someone if they’re pregnant. Even if it’s quite obvious I do not ever ask

i can see why you’d be upset though for sure

I can imagine how devastated you feel, but please don't forego the wedding because of your weight. Have a look on style and beauty for ideas on how to dress your shape. There are lots of different outfits you can wear that will flatter your curves and won't emphasise your tummy. Afterwards, you can look at an exercise and diet regime to give you back your pre baby confidence.

It's just ...
If we really want something to happen, we do tend to find the time....
Oh, and no alcohol definitely helps a lot of things.

This is a really extreme reaction. I have been asked if I was pregnant - lots of non-pregnant women have - its not uncommon. It wasn't pleasant, I was very self-conscious about the bloating I suffered from and the reasons behind it, and tried very hard to hide the bloating. And the person who said it was not apologetic but just thought it was funny.

But you need to keep these things in perspective. Missing a day of the conference, still thinking about it six years later, and hiding away from strangers six years later? I really think you need professional support to work out why you have had this extreme reaction and how to respond differently to this event and the feelings it has given you.

I don't understand how you've put on a lot of weight if you don't get time to eat?

I used to get that. A lot.Thin or fat! Now I'm old I get given unsolicited advice on such and such that would make me look younger or told I look tired ( not in a caring way) I have been known to stare back and ask why they would say that to me. ! I like them to squirm.
But I have noticed that ( except for the few who have genuinely had a foot in mouth moment ,or are mistaken)people who habitually comment on others looks are never very classy.!
Dress up ( I'm sure you look lovely) go to the wedding ,your friend wants you there , enjoy it . Some people are rude gob-shites .How anyone looks is their own business .

I think YABU on yourself, to let this affect you so badly. You said you look pregnant, someone tactlessly mentioned it. To say you're 'floored' is too extreme.

The excess weight doesn't go on me evenly though, a lot of it goes on my tummy and the fact is I look like I'm pregnant.

YANBU to be upset by this. You do say yourself though you look pregnant, I’m sure they were just trying to be kind by acknowledging your ‘pregnancy’.
I do think YABU though to not try do anything about this and make excuses not to make changes especially as it sounds like it keeps happening.

If you don't feel good about yourself then turn things around so that you do. Being fat is unhealthy, leads to early death and other nasty things. Being good to yourself is far better for your family.

I can't agree with this narrative that it's OK to be fat. It isn't.

It's not OK to be cruel either. I had this comment when I was thin FFS .
Must be nice to be so perfect .

Well no, because the population keeps changing.
I've said it in the past and cringe horribly with the memory. I never say it now.
We aren't all taught or born with diplomacy, tact, discretion, manners and what have you.

I can't think of many people my age (53) or stage of life (raising older children or adult kids) who would ask such a thing. I can hazard a guess it happens among women who are more child bearing age.

Actually I'm 54, it was my Birthday last week :-)

OP says "am too exhausted to eat well"

Has anybody said that anywhere on this thread? No, so wind your neck in and keep your lecture to yourself.

I wonder about posters like you, how small your lives must be that you think a comment about pregnancy warrants responses like yours? Then again, I don't come across people like you in real life, thank goodness.

Dear God....the baby's head is the same size as the Mother's!
[eyes watering]

I thought this too... made me wince!

Thankfully I can read and Op says she is fat. The only way to not feel fat is to lose the weight. Anything else is just kidding yourselves.

It's a massive social issue that needs addressing, but clearly some people think it's OK. It isn't. A significant proportion of young people are being brought up without being able to self moderate, and health care is straining under the weight.

YABU to find this upsetting.

A man at work told a colleague that she was enormous and when was she due? I asked him 'And when are you due Frank?' which was extremely rude but satisfying.

I think the issue here is that someone thought you looked pregnant - it’s the fact that you feel you look pregnant, that you feel bad about how you look, and it was reflected back at you during this encounter. You either have to brush it off, knowing that you’ve got other priorities right now, or you do something about it so that you can start to feel better about yourself. I wouldn’t skip the wedding, but I would start looking at small steps I can take to ease myself back into healthier eating/moving more.

It’s really hard when you feel crap about yourself - 18m ago I was 5.5-6 stone heavier, post menopausal and in the mindset of ‘what’s the point’ as I felt that doing hair and make up would make little difference. I know how you’re feeling. But ultimately only you can reframe your feelings or change things.

Maybe take this incident as a lightbulb moment, a time when you realised how not prioritising yourself has really damaged your self-esteem. You have three kids - they need a happy, healthy mum who feels good about herself. Perhaps do it for them?

Not long ago I lost 20lbs and got to a size 10 - I went to pick dd up from her friends house and her little sister patted my stomach and said “ooh, is there a baby in there?” 😂 I was all dressed up to go out too and felt fab - it certainly burst my bubble!

You have to laugh these things off op.

What I found upsetting was being complimented on my pregnancy when I had just had a miscarriage but hadn't had a chance to go back to my original figure.

It's really not a good idea to comment on someone's appearance, especially in that way.