To be so floored by this comment

[Applebyapples]

For background, since having a third child I can't find much time to look after myself, am too exhausted to eat well as my third has had some health issues on top of everything else, and my weight has crept up to the point I'm now a size 18-20. The excess weight doesn't go on me evenly though, a lot of it goes on my tummy and the fact is I look like I'm pregnant. Every now and then someone comments thinking I'm expecting and it knocks my confidence, but usually I get over it fairly quickly. However I just can't get over an incident that happened on Friday, I know I'm probably being unreasonable and need some sense talked into me.

I was going to a friend's hen party and felt quite self-conscious as I knew some people who I hadn't seen since I put the weight on would be there, probably judging my appearance. However I got my hair, eyebrows and nails done, wore a new top that I thought was quite flattering and actually arrived feeling quite happy and confident. However, I'd only been there about half an hour when someone I'd never met before walked in and immediately made a comment that assumed I was pregnant.

This really knocked my confidence, I'd been feeling good about myself and was even wearing control underwear for goodness' sake! But obviously everyone still only needs a quick look at me to assume I must be pregnant. I tried to brush it off and stay upbeat but spent the rest of the evening feeling like crap, hated it when I had to join in with games and all eyes were on me, and left as soon as politely possible. Since then I've been feeling upset and really worried about attending the wedding in three weeks...there'll be other people there who I haven't seen for years who will presumably also be thinking how rubbish and fat I look, and however much effort I make to look nice it obviously won't make any difference.

So tell me, am I unreasonable to be feeling like this or should I just have brushed it off by now? And would I be unreasonable to make an excuse to not attend the wedding?

It'd really upset me too OP, I feel for you. With 3 kids it's so hard to find time for yourself at all. I wish people wouldn't ask but then I guess they feel it'd be really rude not to ask, if you were pregnant. I think they'd feel terrible after the question if that helps at all. I don't think many people want to hurt someone else's feelings.

Saying that I think part of the reason you are too tired to do anything about the weight isn't only the having 3 kids. I think it's also being 18-20 and unfit (not your fault, I get it after 3 pregnancies and little kids to care for!!). That'll make you feel so tired and the weight loss completely overwhelming. It sounds like you absolutely hate the extra weight so from a quality of life issue, there's a reason to battle through and really try to start getting fit. Baby steps...no junk in the house, no takeouts, drop the glass of wine in the evening, active where possible etc...

Embrace the fact that u r still young enough for people to consider pregnant, not old and just fat like me xxxxx

OP, it was one person.. and actually even people who are pg or look as if they might be pg can still look fab!

As you said you were wearing your good top, you were well groomed and glowing.

Keep your confidence up and find some time to take care of yourself. The more you take care of yourself, the better you will feel, and the more you will want to care for yourself (including healthy eating).

And definitely go to the wedding!

You won’t keep your confidence and self nurturing up by hiding away in a burrow! Plus, your family and friends want to see you!

Someone assumed I was pregnant at a funeral/wake recently. I’d just had quite a lot of cake and was wearing an empire line dress! I managed to only be slightly mortified!

I just wish other people would stop commenting on the shape or size of others. Just to reassure yo uits not just larger people that get comments. I have been told I'm too skinny. I'm not, I'm fit, slim and bloody strong! Jut try and ignore the comments and if it really bothers you then make some changes to address what's happening. People will always comment, I just wish they'd stop!

I know how you feel. I'm a size 14 but my weight sits very much on my tummy. I think diastasis recti contributes to this and people often think I'm pregnant. I try not to let it upset me anymore as I think they must be sure I'm pregnant rather than really fat!

I am currently 1 stone overweight,after recently losing 2 st. I am at the stage where it appears to have come off everywhere but my tummy, mainly due to a combination of diastasis recti, endo and good old fashioned bad posture.
Since I have lost weight, I have had 2 people ask if I am pregnant, which just feels soul destroying.
I think when I was bigger all over, it was obvious I was just fat, but now that I have lost weight elsewhere, my tummy looks more pronounced. But it is a knock to any self esteem that I was starting to get back.
I realise that it is premature to feel positive about my body and I am still very aware that I am still 1 stone overweight and that once I have lost the rest of the weight I still need to be very vigilant. Also, it was my own greed and laziness that got me into this state. So I guess I should try to reframe it as positive in that it stops me getting too confident. However it is still a punch in the (fat) gut.

I’m overweight BMI but don’t really mind, unless I see an unflattering photograph of myself or something! That might make me wince momentarily as it’s unexpected, but it certainly wouldn’t stop me from going to a fun event: I mean, I am not going to be looking at myself constantly when I’m there, am I?! That’s for other people to worry about. And I tell you, they are all thinking about themselves anyway!

I am currently trying to lose weight for health reasons but it’s not tied up with my sense of self worth. I think I look pretty okay good really, regardless of an extra stomach roll and slightly heavy arms! It’s mostly your head and shoulders that people look at anyway. Plus boobs in the case of men…

Ultimately, your mind and personality is what really matters. Have you ever heard a eulogy where someone says that the deceased was a lovely person but a bit overweight and really shouldn’t have let themselves go like that? No, me neither.

Your tummy is just your outer casing, like a conker. Your friends want you there for the lovely, shiny you inside, not for your outer appearance.

The truth is that absolutely loads of women, if you asked the average man to look at them, would leave him unsure whether or not to offer his seat on a train. DP used to complain that he spent most journeys wondering who would be offended if he did offer the seat and worrying that maybe they needed a seat. Most people never ask or comment for that reason.

The only difference is you met one of the minority who do blunder in, but it really doesn’t mean that you look bad or look huge, not at all. Once you have had a child and especially if weight gain follows the pregnancy, there could be a degree of diastatis recti or just loss of muscle tone, meaning that the same amount of weight takes on more of a pregnancy shape than it would have done before. I know this is going on with me. There will be women far bigger than you who show excess weight in a different way because they haven’t been pregnant.

Everyone responds differently in recovering from pregnancy and the early years of child rearing. There is no cause for comparison or embarrassment. Please don’t take from this comment that you look a certain way, some people are just a bit clueless. They may even have heard something about you having a child and mistaken the timing. Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter. Just smile and say no I am lucky enough to have three lovely children, no more on the way at the moment! Believe me your family is the greatest blessing for which many a flat stomached skinny person would swap in a second! You have all the time to get back to your previous size if you want, for right now I bet you look great, be happy.

Put on your loosest,comfiest 'glad rags' Go to the wedding and have fun. Get up and boogie'Great excercise and fun! Most of all be proud of yourself. That tummy is your badge of honour right now! You have given birth to three children. You are coping with your babies health issues. You are putting your children first and still making the effort to dress up and show up in support of your freinds hen night. ! You are successful! Don't worry about others.Their journey is not yours! Don't let your dress size define you! Over the years I've been a 12 a 16 an 18/20 ( and for a wee while ,that felt snug) I still managed to raise my child,complete my degree ,get promotion , enjoy holidays,weddings ect. Just you enjoy where you are now. Nothing is permanent, including your shape and dress size . All the very best to you!

Umm nope. A culture that expects women to have a flat tummy is rubbish! A world where people judge others by body shape is rubbish!
The fact that men don't get judged in the same way is rubbish!!

Your body is AMAZING op! You've created life, THREE TIMES!

Please love yourself. It will get easier. Hugs x x

Definitely go to the wedding. Don’t you realise that every body will like you much much more for gaining weight. They’ll love the fact that you are bigger, cuddlier and let’s face it more ‘woman’. Putting on weight makes every other woman in the room feel less threatened by you, less like they are being ‘judged’ by you and less like you’re one of those perfect women who intimidates everyone without even realising. You’ll be so so much more popular than ever if you just open up and accept you now look like the woman we’d all like as a best friend cos she’s down to earth and ok with being imperfect. Just put on a big smile and go be interested in every one else. You’ll have a lovely time.

@Pippetypoppity this is not true.

Hi, why not channel all this energy you’re putting into feeling down into losing weight?

Helpful!

Totally know what you feel - have really wanted to avoid seeing people I hadn't seen for ages when I felt like I'd put on weight. Try to remember that you were invited because those people value you and want you there. Weirdly, I meet up with friends who I hadn't seen for 20 years and one bloke had put on weight. I not going to deny that i didn't notice it but it didn't stop us all chatting, laughing and enjoying it. So - kind of seen it from both sides. I think that you'd probably feel worse afterwards if you didn't go - and you'd need some excuse.
Maybe try to use it as something to spur yourself on. 3 kids must be exhausting. Agree with that other person - could you try to not eat less but swop some of the things that you eat. I find sometimes that I can just be distracted by eating - less so what it is.
Try to be kinder ti yourself - it's not easy being a mum.

You know what, I used to look pregnant when I was a size 18-20. It was just how the weight settled on me.

I honestly never took offence if someone made the mistake, I'd brazen it out. The fact is, I did look it, it was an easy mistake to make.

I tried to just accept it in a non judgemental way. They were usually just trying to be nice or make conversation. I'd just laugh, and mean it. It took the sting out of it.

I've spent the last few months looking 8 months pregnant, I'm 63!!! I've always had a bit of a belly even at normal weight, I've just found out I'm lactose intolerant, plus undergoing tests for celiac/ wheat intolerance. My point being is my stomach swells something terrible, and it makes you tired and quite lethargic amongst other symptoms, so you don't feel like making the effort and it becomes a domino effect thing, CBA making something nice, eat crap feel like shit, if you're, as you say not eating properly, maybe you're having a reaction as opposed to just putting on fat. Don't want to scare you, but it's worth keeping an eye on what you eat. Yanbu. Take care.

If the comment floored you, use that as motivation to lose weight.
Do not mean to be harsh but only you have the power to change this

Well done though

Most people are too busy being self conscious about themselves to properly notice anyone else.

I know, it is really hard. I put on 4 stone when my thyroid went weird, and I have to starve myself every day to lose anything

You say your weight goes to your tummy area and have heard the comments before so shouldn't really be surprised or hurt by it.

It is possible to look lovely dressed up while pregnant! You must have looked lovely too dressed up. So don't worry about the pregnant comment.

I know this feeling too x

I'm really sorry to hear this op. It sounds miserable. Just out of curiosity though, before you had your children, we're your periods regular and did you ever have problems controlling your weight? It sounds a bit like endometriosis and may be worth exploring with your GP.