To be so floored by this comment

[Applebyapples]

For background, since having a third child I can't find much time to look after myself, am too exhausted to eat well as my third has had some health issues on top of everything else, and my weight has crept up to the point I'm now a size 18-20. The excess weight doesn't go on me evenly though, a lot of it goes on my tummy and the fact is I look like I'm pregnant. Every now and then someone comments thinking I'm expecting and it knocks my confidence, but usually I get over it fairly quickly. However I just can't get over an incident that happened on Friday, I know I'm probably being unreasonable and need some sense talked into me.

I was going to a friend's hen party and felt quite self-conscious as I knew some people who I hadn't seen since I put the weight on would be there, probably judging my appearance. However I got my hair, eyebrows and nails done, wore a new top that I thought was quite flattering and actually arrived feeling quite happy and confident. However, I'd only been there about half an hour when someone I'd never met before walked in and immediately made a comment that assumed I was pregnant.

This really knocked my confidence, I'd been feeling good about myself and was even wearing control underwear for goodness' sake! But obviously everyone still only needs a quick look at me to assume I must be pregnant. I tried to brush it off and stay upbeat but spent the rest of the evening feeling like crap, hated it when I had to join in with games and all eyes were on me, and left as soon as politely possible. Since then I've been feeling upset and really worried about attending the wedding in three weeks...there'll be other people there who I haven't seen for years who will presumably also be thinking how rubbish and fat I look, and however much effort I make to look nice it obviously won't make any difference.

So tell me, am I unreasonable to be feeling like this or should I just have brushed it off by now? And would I be unreasonable to make an excuse to not attend the wedding?

Same here.

This will pass, op, and you will eventually lose some weight. I am sorry there is so much stress in your life at the moment. Can you afford any help? Even a little, a couple of hours here and then, might be beneficial.

Good luck.

Yes you would be unreasonable to not go to the wedding. You are clearly unhappy in your body so use this as a kick up the arse to do something about it. You have 3 young children who need you healthy and no amount of ‘you’re fine as you are’ will make that happen. It will take effort and willpower and a lot of support.

After three children you may well have some separation in your stomach muscles, which means that weight gain ends up pushing out your stomach more than it otherwise would, making quite a 'pregnant' shape. You can get a repair done but they'd want you to lose weight first. It's called diastasis recti.

That said, basically NOBODY should comment on a pregnancy unless they have been told it for sure. The people are rude. And to reassure you, I got the same comment after my second baby and I'm a size 10 - 12. Some people are just dim.

Don't let it dull your sparkle.

This is exactly why people shouldn’t make comments about other people’s appearances. I’m sorry it’s happened, but I don’t get the impression this person was trying to be mean.

YAB massively unreasonable if you back out of the wedding now though, that’s not really fair on the people who invited you.

Why are you equating looking rubbish with looking pregnant?

I got my hair, eyebrows and nails done, wore a new top that I thought was quite flattering

So you probably looked lovely, but also pregnant.

I've been asked 3 times in my life if I was pregnant when I wasn't. Yes it stung a bit, but the people asking were definitely well meaning.

So I decided to either accept my weight/shape or do something about it.

I weigh less now but my stomach still looks pregnant. The only reason people don't ask if I am, is because I'm in my mid fifties.

I think you have to choose your hard here OP. Is restricting your diet harder than feeling rubbish about yourself, avoiding social events and having those you do attend ruined? Because unless you can come to terms with your body and find a way to let these comments slide off you, those are your options. People are thoughtless and rude. And even when they're not, if you hate your weight, you'll still feel bad about yourself. Weight loss is very hard, but what you describe sounds even harder. So either work on acceptance or work on change. Go to that wedding and if you get comments answer either 'no, its baby weight that ive started to address' or 'no, its just my body shape', depending on the way forward youve decided to take.

I am a size 12-14 and I have a 6 year old and I have been asked this a few times, especially when close to TOM. When people ask me when I am due or similar, I usually respond, light heartedly ''oh about 6 years ago''. It makes a joke out of it so its not TOO awkward, but it also shuts them up VERY quickly.

I always feel that unless a woman is ACTUALLY in labour in front of you, or they mention being pregnant themselves, you should just never ask if they are expecting! We all come in different shapes and sizes.

More people need to pay attention to this
Oh the pic didn't attach :(

That is massively tactless of them and I'm sorry that happened, of course it is upsetting. Whether you should avoid social situations in future is a different question. Do you think people will be equally tactless next time? If so, why put your self through it. I would assume most people have better manners though and it would do you good to enjoy a social situation.

Are you me?! I feel you. It sucks and all my confidence is gone. I was even at my youngest’s baptism when someone came up and said wow you’re having another already, good for you…. It ruined my day. I thought I looked half decent.

My mum tum is huge even if the rest of me hasn’t really changed. I need to do something about it and only exercise will do it but it’s hard enough getting me time with littles.

No advice but just know that that tummy gave life and we really should give ourselves a break. You’re not alone!

The very same thing happened me at a hen. It wasn't nice but i had to get over it. Don't let an ignorant comment hold you back from enjoying your life. Go to the wedding. The person who made the remark should be feeling an awful lot worse today than you are x.

My Post pregnancy weight went straight on my upper tummy. I must've been asked 20 times if i was pregnant when i wasn't. If its any consolation, after time and looking after yourself, your body will get back to feeling like your own soon enough. Don't be too hard on yourself, your body just did something amazing in producing a baby, your doing your best.

Try again

I’ve had this before. At Christmas one year I was shopping in M&S and id bought a gift for my parents. I said to the lady at the til it was for my mum and dad and she said “oh and they must be so excited that they’re going to be grandparents when your baby arrives”

I looked at her in horror and she looked back at me equally as horrified. I left what I was buying and ran out.

I was just on my period and carrying a bit of festive weight but it can be so upsetting!

This has happened to me quite a few times and I used to feel terrible. Then I was out with a friend and a waiter said the same thing to her and she made eye contact with the waiter, beamed and said "nope, I'm just round". It sucks but you can choose how you react.

Somewhere on the internet there's a write-up of a conference I spoke at which says "the speaker, who was clearly heavily pregnant, spoke about the challenges of returning to work after maternity leave". Yes mate, MY maternity leave, from which I was saying I had recently returned. So not only did they assume I was pregnant they also were clearly not listening to a single word I was saying.

It would be easy to say dont take these comments to heart but when your already feeling self conscious and anxious about your weight it doesn't help.
You have three weeks to work on your confidence and self esteem. I suggest you start by telling yourself what you love about you we all have something we love about ourselves.
Then you start working on breathing techniques, also place a rubber band on your wrist when your going out to the wedding and snap it so it strikes the inside of your wrist when your feeling anxious this resets basically snaps you out of the anxiety before it builds. You don't have to do it hard it just a tap to reset your nervous system.
You need to give yourself a break you have birthed three babies that takes so much out of you. Have you had any blood work done to check your vitamin and hormone levels it's surprising the symptoms you can overlook that a vitamin or hormone imbalance can cause.
Take care of you ❤️ love you 😍 you are completely unique and beautiful.
I hope this post helps huge hugs I have been through this and it does get better it takes time Give yourself a break and get out of your head remember your a woman your not supposed to be a skeleton otherwise why did God invent chocolate!
Weight is something you can lose healthily over time if your unhappy but rudeness is something that people use because of there own insecurities. Don't take on someone else's insecurities be yourself and remember your unique and beautiful no matter what weight you are xx

I put weight on like that too, very slim legs but all the weight goes on my tummy, my friend affectionately called me an emu! When I was younger I went on holiday with my family, I had a baby of 9 months, my DS was 2 and my eldest DS was 5, it was a holiday camp and I went away with my family, my sisters family and my parents, one night my parents offered to look after my 3 DC so I could go for a drink at the bar with my DP, so I got all dressed up, felt really good about myself, was on my second large glass of wine when I woman with a face like a slapped arse came marching over and said how disgusting I was for drinking whilst pregnant! I was mortified but my DP told her off, this was 30 years ago and I still feel awful remembering how it made me feel so you have my sympathy.

What about looking at how you could change what is making you miserable?

people are likely to to be congratulating you. Nobody looks and think theres a fat person I’ll comment on her none existent pregnancy to make her feel bad.

how about planning some meals and making sure you always have plenty of fruit in the house to snack on as you are obviously making time to eat. Just not well as you put it.

it takes 10 minutes to boil some veg or some eggs…… only thinking about how you could change the issue rather than other peoples response.

I feel for you but maybe it’s time to make changes if it’s upsetting you to the point you don’t want to go the wedding.

Don't worry, I know how hard it is to even grab a moment when looking after little ones, the, focus goes entirely on them!

The good thing is we are going into winter now so, if like me, you feel a bit self conscious sometimes, you can wrap up in a nice cosy top.

What's more important is how you feel about yourself. You said you felt good, and perhaps you showed that outwardly and did look as though you were glowing 😊There can be compliments hidden in the seeming insults.

If it made you feel particularly down, why not use this time now to make small achievable changes. For me, I'm a sucker for carbs and clearly they love me 😆

Maybe get your iron checked if you feel like you're lacking any usual energy. I gained 8lbs over the course of a few weeks due to low iron, I was eating and eating for energy and all it was doing was plumping up the derriere. I've started an iron supplement, and I'm suddenly moving alot more and can see that ,slow and steady, it might go down a little.

P.s. keep smiling and laughing, nothing is more attractive than that! 😁

its hard and it might take time before you’re ready to commit to dieting/exercise etc. I didn’t really get into the headspace until my youngest went to school. I think you have to be realistic that some people really prioritise fitness/diet/image even when they’ve got little ones and make that time and others (like me) don’t.

Completely reasonable to feel pretty rubbish about this. You're exhausted and this feels like a smack in the face I imagine.

I do think you'd be unreasonable to skip the wedding. If you've been close enough to the bride to go to the hen [unless she's a complete rentacrowd bridezilla] then she's presumably a good friend and you should do it.

What I would say, is that I still haven't shed the baby weight [DD2 is almost 12] and if anything I've probably put on a further 2 stone. It is making me miserable and I wish I'd done something much earlier as I am now menopausal and it's not shifting at all so I fully get that you are feeling crap and just wanting to hide away.

It is really hard to find the time to look after yourself, even more so with a child with additional needs but perhaps it's the somewhat rude kick up the backside that will motivate you. You have three weeks. 2lbs a week is almost half a stone which would make you feel a lot better about yourself.

Can you get support from your partner, family, friends to help you get out and get some exercise with the baby in a pram? The rest is just diet so you just a plan you can stick to even if you have to eat the same things daily for three weeks. I know I don't have the headspace to "meal plan" and calorie count.

You know how to address this and it's to lose weight and get in shape.

You can't blame other people for believing you are pregnant when you look pregnant!

Turn the upset feelings into inspiring yourself to do something about it.

Just lose the weight. Less angst. Be good to yourself.

This is me and when your baby is small you’re just too tired to do something about it. I’m sorry op, it does make you self conscious and you just need to dress for it for now. But definitely go, so what if people think you’re pregnant or you’ve put on weight. They’ll still think you’re you, you know.

You're only human, so sometimes things get under your skin. Don't beat yourself up about that. You've brought three wonderful children into the world and you're a great mum. These are things that you should be judged by.

In your shoes I would probably give myself a break and skip the wedding, but I'm pretty much weddinged out and I'm stroppy.