To be annoyed our babysitter met up with a male friend while taking care of my two children?

[BMCoffee]

22yo regular babysitter apparently met up with her male "best friend" at the park while taking care of my 1yo and 4yo. No permission, and she hasn't told us about it. My 4yo son went on and on about the babysitters friend, giving his name and loads of detail. I've never met this person.

I'm right that this is wrong from a safeguarding perspective, as well as cheeky af to be socialising on paid time, right?!

I told a friend and she didn't see the harm in it..

And you're massively under reacting. There's enough kids who go missing, kidnapped, assaulted, abused in the presence of adults they actually know - to make me question how naive adults can be in 2024. Let's tell kids to never talk to strangers, unless it's a random man your au pair had introduced you to without telling your mummy. Nurseries and schools have security to stop random people just walking in and talking to the kids, unless there's permission from parents - yet this au pair'/nanny's mates should be trusted implicitly with no need to learn anything more.....

Yep I agree with you. I would be angry. You’ve no idea who this guy is and if he’s dangerous or not. And she shouldn’t be socialising on the job.

It wouldn't bother me unless she was neglecting the children and it wasn't at your house.

She took the kids to the park. Someone she knew was there so she spoke to him and he interacted with the kids. What was she supposed to do, shun people she knew because she was with the kids ? It’s a non-event.

But she’s neither a nanny nor an au pair. She’s a babysitter and she took the kids to the park.

OP, you still haven't outlined the circumstances of the encounter, ie whether it was pre-arranged or not and many posters have said that it makes a big difference as it's clearly impossible to control who your au pair might randomly meet if she's out in public with your children.

If you don't want your children spending time with people who are strangers to you, just tell your au pair that. Maybe you weren't clear about it before. You can go on being angry, or you can improve your communication with her about your expectations/guidelines. It's maybe a bit careless or cheeky if you haven't asked her not to do this.

I've since spoken to her and yes it was a prearranged meet up with her friend. She listened and understood that this isn't something I'm happy with her doing when she's with my kids. She can do that on her own time.

ok well I hope it all goes smoothly now

Au pairs are young women who are exploited for their labour. They are expected to do a lot of what a nanny does but for a fraction of the price. And of course you provide room and board! That’s what an au pair is, she couldn’t afford to live off of the pocket money that she gets. And that’s what it is, pocket money.

You get what you pay for.

Exploited. Shes a fully grown woman who can decide to leave at any time she'd like. We have a contracted arrangement, shes signed up to that, and the board and accommodation etc saves her hundreds per month in living costs. All the money she gets goes towards fun or savings or whatever she likes, she pays no living costs whatsoever.

I’d be livid about that. But I see you’ve sorted it out now.

We once had that with our cat. I was not happy (the person brought unknown friends of hers to our house to look after the cat). Totally unacceptable. Never mind with a child.

If this was my daughter I would advise her to find a new job. You seem to be looking for problems that aren't there.

QUOTE: It was a public space, but that's not the point! When with my kids, I decide what she does and who she sees, as I'm the parent. She is providing a service to us, she's not doing a favour.

WOW what an awful attitude you have towards this girl. You DON'T own her & for all she works for you you cannot decide what she does or who she sees when she's taking the kids out. If you trust her to care for your children then you should trust her choices & who she introduces to the kids whilst out & about. Looking after little ones can be lonely so meeting up with others is a good thing. As long as she's attentive to the kids & looks after them properly, who she meets shouldn't be an issue. Would you have an issue if she met up & socialised with other Nannies or Childminders with their children who she doesn't know that well?

@BMCoffee a nanny which is what it sounds like you are after would be far more costly then an au pair trust me. don’t act like this is some charitable act on your behalf to provide her a room and food. Unlike a nanny in theory a au pair is treated as an older family member though i do know a lot of families take advantage and see it as a nanny on a shoe string budget. She might agree to your rules and respect them but in her shoes many would be looking for a new au pair position

But that is completely different.

The OP's babysitter, or au pair didn't bring anyone in to the OP's house.
She chatted with them whilst taking the OP's dc to the park.
Totally different thing.

Same here.

YABU

But no doubt you'll keep arguing your point. Why did you post?

What a monumental
amout of tosh.

You seem to be looking for problems that aren't there

I wouldn't be happy that my child minder/nanny was arranging to meet friends, particularly male friends, while she's supposed to be caring for my kids.

As the op says, she can do that on her own time.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable at all, and many of the posts here have been ridiculous.

You wouldn't be paying your childminder/nanny £75 a week.

You can't expect the same level of professionalism from a teen/young adult, she's not doing it maliciously.

I think au pairs must be paid terribly in the UK. Where we are she is being paid around £300 a week, and that is not full time. She is not paying the approx £250 living expenses she'd have to pay in rent and food for a similar set up, so that's a very approximate £550 a week in value.

I've been defending the accusations that we're exploiting someone or underpaying her, which isn't the aibu

What ‘similar set up’? She is an AU PAIR, if she was providing childcare for a family that she lived with and was expected to pay for the ‘privilege’, it would be illegal. The fact that you keep banging on it makes me think that you don’t get it and shouldn’t be employing au pairs.

And I can’t comment on how far her salary goes as I don’t know where you live. The au pair programme in the UK is designed to appeal to young people who want to learn English. They often take language classes while children are at school, are considered part of the family, and are given ‘pocket money’ in exchange for a maximum of 35 hours a week childcare. They are not considered qualified and experienced childcare givers.

'I wasn't sure how common au pairs are in the UK so I used the term babysitter, but could have said nanny,'

wow ! the ignorance.

there have been au pairs in the UK for decades !!!

and there is a huge difference between an au pair and a nanny...

The set up i was referring to was her living arrangement - separate living quarters board and utilities, the value of which if she were renting the space (or a similar one somewhere) is what I mentioned. Obviously not suggesting anyone would pay to look after my children.

I keep banging on about it because I can't believe people can't see the there is value in providing separate accommodation quarters, board and utilities (i.e. costs that people normally incur to live), on top of her pay. If she was a live out nanny, she would be paying those costs, and I would be paying a higher rate.

Au pairs may not be considered childcare workers to you, but we have one who is an experienced childcare worker, who is from abroad and found herself in a position to take up an au pair position. If she was a live out nanny, we'd be paying her £550 a week and she'd have to cover her own costs of living.