To be annoyed our babysitter met up with a male friend while taking care of my two children?

[BMCoffee]

22yo regular babysitter apparently met up with her male "best friend" at the park while taking care of my 1yo and 4yo. No permission, and she hasn't told us about it. My 4yo son went on and on about the babysitters friend, giving his name and loads of detail. I've never met this person.

I'm right that this is wrong from a safeguarding perspective, as well as cheeky af to be socialising on paid time, right?!

I told a friend and she didn't see the harm in it..

It's still not clear where you're getting this infomration from OP, are you just taking the 4 year olds word for it?

Your are massively overreacting, and not sure how the gender of the friend is relevant.

You know loads of strangers are at the park right ? Who probably heard her using the children's name.

They were in a public place. Also it might not have even been planned he could have just been in the area.

Honestly "not being paid to socialise" you sound like the worst kind of employer and you're also getting your info from a 4 year old.

What country is she from? I'm surprised she's left a nursery job to earn less as an au pair?

Or is she employed in a Nanny role with an Au Pair wage?

why does this bloke want to spend time with two kids he doesn't know in the park?

In any other case, a lone man with no kids hanging around a playground would attract suspicion. So it's not at all likely they just bumped into each other as he'd have no reason to be there (or dubious ones if so). Not many women would be comfortable if a strange man came up to them to force a conversation, yet for their toddler it's absolutely fine just because their au pair knows them (no idea in what capacity as it wasn't discussed).

Can you imagine organising a date, and then taking someone else's 1 and 3 year old along? You can't supervise children if you're distracted, simple. They wander off, get snatched in seconds - if the child was lost/missing and the police realised the au pair was with her friend at the time, who she'd never mentioned to the mum, it wouldn't look good. Generally a good way to look at any job with the responsibility of children - have you created a situation where you may not be supervising the child as carefully as you should? If yes, then don't do it. Simple. Can't fathom anyone who thinks a parent would put the feelings and opinions of an au pair over their children's safety! Also these jobs hinge on references and word of mouth recommendations - it's a child for crying out loud, if they can't do the job without socialising with mates, it's not for them.

@BMCoffee you know this woman isn’t your slave or 19th century servant right? You don’t get to control her life as much you want.

@renoleno The children are 1 and 4.

You are massively overreacting.

She's not a babysitter she's a nanny and she should be focusing on your child.

Oh please. The statistics show us that males carry out 99% of sexual offences. The risk is not symmetric.

Jesus Christ , when they go to school complete strangers to you will know what they look like and know their names . You are being ridiculous.

She's an au pair.

There are differences as PPs have pointed out to what you should expect from a childminder, nanny, au pair and baby sitter.

PPs have pointed out that other people in the park would know the children's names.

For example where I live most of the play parks have areas where you can walk your dog, play ball games or sit down next to them. If you shout your child's name out then random strangers will know your child's name.

If she was going upstairs to your bed with her boyfriend, leaving your two kids screaming and running riot downstairs, then that would be out of order. If she was leaving the children alone with a stranger, equally so.
But she was in the park. She has every right to talk to a friend whilst playing with the kids in a public place. If it was another CM, or a mum, or just a random woman who she politely briefly chatted with, would that be an issue?
It sounds like the friend was introduced and was interacting with the kids in a friendly and appropriate manner. I don't really see the problem here. She can't just run away when she bumps into someone she knows just bc she's got the kids.

Parks don't exist in a vacuum, many small parks are right beside a main pathway or within bigger park areas not specifically for children. It's very likely that if DD and I are at a park that we see people walking past that we know.

I'm surprised by how much attention is going to what I call the person who we have contracted to care for our children. We have a signed agreement, and as part of that I pay her an hourly rate, which along with the value of full board and accommodation (inc. utilities, wifi, streaming services), is much more than the minimum wage many of you are suggesting I don't even pay her.

She isn't full time, she has loads of free time to spend as she likes and I don't control any of that, nor would I want to. She has an active social life, and lives in a lovely house with her own bedroom, living space, bathroom and kitchen, so it's not exactly a hardship.

It was a public space, but that's not the point! When with my kids, I decide what she does and who she sees, as I'm the parent. She is providing a service to us, she's not doing a favour.

I'm surprised so many of you wouldn't think it's cheeky at best

Keep reading that post and you'll understand why i called her that.

But have you actually spoken to her and determined whether this was an arranged meet or a random bumping into?

And if it was random would you expect her to ignore someone simply because she is being paid to look after your children?

Wow so no autonomy at all ? I'd hate that, I used to babysit regularly as long as the DCs were fed and happily entertained I don't remember anyone telling me what I could and couldn't do. Also how could you control who is at the park ?

Well fire her then 🤷‍♀️ I thought Au Pairs earned about 100 per week spending money plus room and board. It sounds more like a nanny scenario if she has her own kitchen and stuff. If you’re not happy with how she’s looking after your kids then terminate the agreement. Your kids won’t be at any risk from this guy but if you would prefer she didn’t speak to her mates while working this is fair enough. So many nannies spend hours in the park together chatting though plus all the parents who meet up with friends for play dates. You can keep an eye on kids while having a conversation. But you’re the employer so you decide.

It depends on a) what her contract says and b) what expectations you've set out.

If you pay someone to care for your kids, you can say you don't want them to socialise during that time. If you're paying a decent hourly rate and have a contract, that's fine.

Speak to her, be clear on expectations and ask her what happened.

So you're still relying on your 4 year old to determine the length and content of this conversation? How about you speak to the adult who was involved - the au-pair? Also if you are going to be so completely rigid about your au-pair's time, what happens if she meets another au-pair/nanny/neighbour while out with your kids? Do she have to ignore them/phone you for permission to chat/explain to them that she is not allowed to speak with them/something else?

Although I can see it's a moot point if we would describe this as babysitting/ nannying or something else. For reference I cared for my parents' friends DCs and later the DC of rich americian bankers out of smart london hotels. My sister would frequently meet us in the park for a picnic/ be an extra pair of hands for swimming or just tag along to the cinema or something ( paying their own ticket obvs)

I think you know and realise it's not the same thing. Pre arranging to see your mate at the park, a man who has no children, while you are contracted to take care of kids, is not on. Socialising with other parents who are, like you, supervising their children at the park, is completely expected.

We don't know anything - because the OP has relied on her 4 year old to provide the details of this meeting! If only she would speak directly to the au-pair she would know whether this was a specific arrangement to meet up or whether the "best friend" was present in a much larger park jogging/taking a short cut/eating lunch on a bench and happened to meet the au-pair. If she doesn't speak to her she's also not going to be able to lay out expectations for future outings around childcare. I spent many hours in playgrounds with my own kids and used to be delighted if someone I knew came in to use the outdoor gym, dog walk or whatever and I could lean on the fence to chat with them. If however the OP doesn't want her child carer to make specific arrangements to meet up with a boyfriend (which seems to be who she suspects this person is) then that's also fine.

This