To be annoyed our babysitter met up with a male friend while taking care of my two children?

[BMCoffee]

22yo regular babysitter apparently met up with her male "best friend" at the park while taking care of my 1yo and 4yo. No permission, and she hasn't told us about it. My 4yo son went on and on about the babysitters friend, giving his name and loads of detail. I've never met this person.

I'm right that this is wrong from a safeguarding perspective, as well as cheeky af to be socialising on paid time, right?!

I told a friend and she didn't see the harm in it..

At what point did it say she was flirting?

I used to regularly have a little boy who was the friend of a friend for full days while his mum worked. I used to take him everywhere with me, park, shopping ,museum. Sometimes I'd go with my friend who happened to be male. At no point did I leave the little one with him, his mum didn't mind. Do you expect her not to interact with anyone else? You sound really odd and if it was me, you'd be without childcare.

I didn’t say they weren’t considered childcare workers, I said they weren’t considered qualified or experienced ones. You may have found someone with some experience but many au pairs are just out of school and lack experience (and no qualifications are required to be an au pair).

Your tone around providing room and board still reeks of you doing her some big favour. Yes of course if she wasn’t an au pair (or live in nanny) she’d be paying her own way, like any other job.

I’m a nanny in London and I, and many other nannies I know, can afford to live out, we actually earn decent salaries. Sounds not to be the case where you are, especially if the pay rise from an au pair to a live out nanny is so small

Providing accommodation is a benefit for you too as she's close by for emergencies or ealy starts.

Again, you're not doing her a favour.

Someone she knew was there so she spoke to him

But that's not the scenario; have you read this thread? Even just the ops posts?

It's a two way benefit.

Just sack her then if you're that bothered.

The childminder I used when my DD was small and I still occasionally use now arranged/arranges to meet friends when she was looking after my DD. These friends are fellow childminders. It meant that instead of ringing me up because my DD wouldn't settle due to teething another childminder held her, and when my DD was the only 3 year old she was looking after she had another 3 year old to play with as the childminders went round to each others houses, to the park or on trips out.

I met friends and family when I was babysitting however the friends/family I met were already known to the parents or were people who worked with children. (Some people were both.)

@TinkerTiger are you aware that from April 2024 that au pairs have to be paid at least the NMW?

Some deductions can be made for board but if the au pair is over 21 they should be earning at least £300 per week.

So the OP isn't as generous as she is making out.

Also due to the UK leaving the EU there have been threads about the difficultly of getting an au pair so it is much easier for the au pair to move families than when the family and friends I know employed one. Oh and some au pairs will put up with poorer living conditions e.g. having to share the bathroom, to have a decent employer.

Hence the too.... * *

If she invited him to the house - absolutely not!

she saw him in a public setting - do you expect her to never speak to another adult human when looking after your children?

The babysitter took the children to the park. You do realise it’s possible to have someone care for children in the DAYTIME?

I think people forget that with the alternative arrangement as a live-out nanny they would also be paying much more tax and NI on £550/week than £300/week. Living costs would also need to be accounted for which would not only be more than this difference in pay, but they would also come out with much less disposable income after deductions. This arrangement clearly works for you both and has no bearing on the AIBU.

Re: the AIBU… I wouldn’t necessarily have been upset about her meeting someone during childcare time if I had met them myself and had ‘OK’-d them. I would be more concerned that I didn’t know the person that was meeting my child(ren). I would have suggested that you speak to her and explain that you are not okay with what has happened however reading your responses it seems you have already done this. I hope that moving forward you are both on the same page regarding ongoing childcare.

MN is not the place for you to post this 😜 you will get battered.
does your au pair have the right to work? Is it worth causing a big drama with her as she might quit and you have no childcare. £300 a week is cheap as if you had your kids in nursery it would cost a lot more.
have a conversation and say please don’t arrange to meet people while taking care of kids.

Wouldn’t bother me at all. Since when have all men been predators. As long as the children were supervised and not left alone with him.
the world is going nuts.

I babysat for 3 siblings when I was 17, I would never have met up with a friend whilst babysitting, that wouldn’t have felt right, they trusted me and don’t know anyone else. I would be annoyed by this, I don’t like my children being in the company if someone I’ve never met(in that situation)especially when I’ve not been asked

No but if it’s planned she should run it by the parents, I even do this with my niece

I think you are being unreasonable but can see from your replies that you are going to die on the hill that you are right. I get the no socialising in work time part to an extent however a trip to the park is a trip to the park and the children seemed to enjoy it. They never said “babysitter and her friend didn’t play with us when asked” or “the friend did this horrible thing to us” so I’m really confused…. Also there are probably people where I live who know my children’s names and where we live who are strangers to us because they’ve seen us or met us in the park. We have a massive childcare crisis where I live and there is so many gaps in the market. Hopefully it’s better where you are because I’d pick battles with childcare employees as there’s probably lots of family’s who are in need for a good quality au pair.

Unless you are a celebrity whose children are at risk of being kidnapped then pre arranged meetings should be run past you…

Your child/children your rules but to me wouldn't be a huge issue. However in the house it would would of been without my prior knowledge and consent eg being able to check him out before being closer to my children. It was in a public place, they've not been left alone with a stranger, they've been watched as they should. I would mention it to her that if she was going to intentionally meet again in a public place to mention it because it made you feel left out of the loop when talking to the child/children later on about the fun they'd been having. I would talk about people's friends still being strangers even though it's safe to talk to them while a safe adult is with them. This is a conversation I've had many times with my children as they've thought anyone I speak to is their best friend 😂 so that's a relevant concern and worth conversations after each time from babysitter and you. I strike up random conversations with strangers in the park and at the bus stop etc very often and wouldn't see this as any different we would just remind them that they are strangers still.

Would there be the same concern if it was a "female" friend?

Yabu. Your use of the term babysitter implies that she is not a professional, registered and fully vetted childminder who is doing this as her full time job. If she was this would be out of order, a safeguarding issue and probably some sort of breach of contract/ professional code of conduct. That’s if it was a planned meet up, and not just a chance one.
She’s a young adult that I’m pretty sure you are not paying the going rate for childminders and are not ‘employing’ in the way one employs a nanny, or au pair or similar. Therefore there is no issue with her meeting up with a friend with the children, as long as he wasn’t left unattended. And obviously you wouldn’t want them taken to pubs or anything.
If your personal preference is for her not to meet friends while babysitting then of course you can stipulate this, and it might be she is ok with this and didn’t realise it would annoy you. But equally be prepared to be told where to go and advised to engage a professional childminder.

Would this be a safeguarding issue if the friend had been female?

As long as the friend wasn't left alone with the children it's not a problem for me. The park is a public place, anyone can be there. It also sounds like your children had a nice time (with two adults to play with them instead of one) so as long as this friend isn't invited into your home* I'd not be concerned.

*unless you've met him and agreed to him visiting.

Would you be saying the same if it was a female best friend ?

OP you sound awful! Using your logic she also isn’t allowed to eat, run an errand, take a phone call, use the bathroom while looking after your children. Sounds like you want a slave not a nanny!