Page 6 | To be annoyed our babysitter met up with a male friend while taking care of my two children?

BMCoffee · 2024-09-30T11:45:40+00:00

22yo regular babysitter apparently met up with her male "best friend" at the park while taking care of my 1yo and 4yo. No permission, and she hasn't told us about it. My 4yo son went on and on about the babysitters friend, giving his name and loads of detail. I've never met this person. I'm right that this is wrong from a safeguarding perspective, as well as cheeky af to be socialising on paid time, right?! I told a friend and she didn't see the harm in it..

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 18:20

C152 · 30/09/2024 13:36

For me there's a line between babysitter and qualified childcarer/nanny. I would expect a childcarer/nanny to have some sort of plan for the time they are with the children, and include directly playing with them, some sort of learning activity etc. With a babysitter I would have lower expectations, but would still expect them to keep the child safe. I can see why you would be worried she met up with a stranger (to you), but this wouldn't be an immediate concern to me, as it was a public place and your child told you all about it, so obviously hadn't been told to keep it a secret. Did she plan to meet her friend there or did they just bump into each other? Is the babysitter DBS checked, or it more of a casual arrangement? In any case, it's fine to set your own boundaries and be clear with the babysitter, in advance, of what these are.

And it's 'fine' for you babysitter/ childminder/nanny to tell you to get stuffed micro managing who they speak to.

C152 · 30/09/2024 18:52

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 18:20

And it's 'fine' for you babysitter/ childminder/nanny to tell you to get stuffed micro managing who they speak to.

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Harshly worded, but in essence I agree with your point. It's up to the OP to identify clear requirements and specify them; just as it's equally valid for others to say 'that's not how I do the job' and decline it.

CatLady22222 · 30/09/2024 22:14

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2024 17:22

The people on this forum realise that this is not a formal child minding setting. It’s a babysitter. She went to the park with the kids and met a friend. She didn’t leave them in anyone else’s’ care - she was just chatting with a friend. It’s completely unreasonable to suggest she put the kids in harms’ way.

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And I am not averse to that if she consulted the mother first for permission. Doing so behind her back is a red flag for me. Having said that, I do agree that if the OP wants piece of mind, she should employ a professional child minder.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/09/2024 22:21

Alicana · 30/09/2024 13:18

I think you’re being a bit weird. Have you never taken your children to the park and bumped into a friend or other parent and had a chat?

I have done this a lot and I’ve never neglected my child when I’ve done this.

This. It's not like she invited him to your house.

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 30/09/2024 22:39

CatLady22222 · 30/09/2024 22:14

And I am not averse to that if she consulted the mother first for permission. Doing so behind her back is a red flag for me. Having said that, I do agree that if the OP wants piece of mind, she should employ a professional child minder.

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@CatLady22222

Honestly, some people.

its 2024, the person caring for the children, does NOT need permission to speak to other people.

casual 'baby sitter', childminder, nanny they're all people & are allowed to speak to whom they like, she didn't leave them solely in his care,

NewName24 · 30/09/2024 22:53

If you are happy for her to take them out to the park, then obviously you can't dictate who she talks to in the park.

Even from your description, it sounds like your ds had a great time playing with her friend. He wasn't left alone with him. He was in a public place. I presume you agree it is easier to have two adults at the park when you have a 4 yr old and a baby.

YABU.

Original poster

BMCoffee · 01/10/2024 02:43

Haven't read all the replies yet but just to be clear, she is an au pair who lives with us and we pay an hourly rate plus accommodation and board so we are not underpaying her. I wasn't sure how common au pairs are in the UK so I used the term babysitter, but could have said nanny, either way it is the person we have employed on a contract to care for our children. That contract doesn't allow for her to socialise with her mates while on paid time.

She met up with a young man with no kids at a playground, who now knows what they look like and their names, a complete stranger to me. It is not the same as meeting up with other nannies/ parents who have kids at the park. If she had have asked, I might have been able to ask some questions, but as it is we didn't get the opportunity to provide permission, and she hasn't mentioned it to me (I will raise it with her).

OP posts:

Original poster

BMCoffee · 01/10/2024 02:52

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 30/09/2024 14:33

So if she met a 35 year old female mate in the park, would that be different?

No I'd still be annoyed to be paying her to socialise. She needs to do that on her own time

OP posts:

Original poster

BMCoffee · 01/10/2024 02:53

She used to work at a nursery, has been police checked and has her working with children check so please don't assume I have some random looking after my kids!

OP posts:

GreenTeaLikesMe · 01/10/2024 03:15

I think "no visitors at our house without permission" is fine, but I am not sure how you can completely ban interaction with someone in a public space. There is no way to prove that they did not accidentally bump into each other, and banning her from talking to a friend who sees her in a public space and says hi would not be reasonable.

You could talk to her and say "It's fine to talk to people you know when you go out, just make sure the kids are not left unattended with this person," although it does not sound like that is what happened in this case.

Edingril · 01/10/2024 03:28

Didn't this happen a couple of months ago as well?

Autumnalmanac · 01/10/2024 03:38

I'm really surprised that so many pp would be absolutely OK with a man, who they have no knowledge about , being introduced to their children.
He now knows who they are, their names, probably where they live. He potentially has the beginnings of a relationship with them which he could build on in future.
He could be anyone. He could just be a friend of the baby sitter or he could be an abuser seeking to get to know the children for his own motives.
It's not OK for the babysitter to introduce the children to a stranger the mother knows nothing about.
And that's without even considering she is being paid to look after the children and should be concentrating on them. Not socialising.

underused · 01/10/2024 03:50

I know plenty of childminders that meet up with friends for coffee with the kids in their care, how's this any different?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 01/10/2024 04:02

I’d be incandescent if it was in my home but as it’s outside, in a public place I think it’s acceptable behaviour. Sounds like the kids were happy and safe.

ArizonaRobbinss · 01/10/2024 04:07

If he came to my house- problem

Meet in park- no issue but I'd appreciate being told but wouldn't be a dealbreaker

Too trivial to lose a good baby sitter over

motherofbabydragon · 01/10/2024 04:28

BMCoffee · 01/10/2024 02:43

Haven't read all the replies yet but just to be clear, she is an au pair who lives with us and we pay an hourly rate plus accommodation and board so we are not underpaying her. I wasn't sure how common au pairs are in the UK so I used the term babysitter, but could have said nanny, either way it is the person we have employed on a contract to care for our children. That contract doesn't allow for her to socialise with her mates while on paid time.

She met up with a young man with no kids at a playground, who now knows what they look like and their names, a complete stranger to me. It is not the same as meeting up with other nannies/ parents who have kids at the park. If she had have asked, I might have been able to ask some questions, but as it is we didn't get the opportunity to provide permission, and she hasn't mentioned it to me (I will raise it with her).

to be honest having worked as an au pair before i know what the pay is like. it’s still peanuts compared to a nanny. au pair is more to be treated like an extended family member and on the same level as an older sibling. would you be upset if their adult sibling took them to the park and chatted with a friend

VeganPizza · 01/10/2024 04:40

I’m with you on this, my children’s babysitter asked if her partner could come one Saturday evening so they could see each other as he works away. I said that was fine.
now she thinks it’s a free for all and has had her sister/ friend/bf and dog over and I only knew because my kids said. It’s no on if it is on paid time.

FerienInLipizza · 01/10/2024 05:00

So you told us she was a babysitter and now you are telling us she is an AuPair.

You being 'economical with the truth' is worse than what she has done IMO.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/10/2024 05:15

BMCoffee · 01/10/2024 02:53

She used to work at a nursery, has been police checked and has her working with children check so please don't assume I have some random looking after my kids!

The DC like her ? Her work is otherwise good I would thank God on high for such a person and as long as this friend interacted appropriately with the DCs allow her to ise her judgement. Looking after a 1 & 4 year old all day is boring, I don't blame her at all for seeking some adult company who wouldn't have done the same ?

Acornsoup · 01/10/2024 05:17

Do you talk to people in the park op. Do you talk to your partner while looking after your dc? I think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like you got two for the price of one. Absolutely different inside yours or anyone else's home but in a park absolutely fine.

Tourmalines · 01/10/2024 05:23

You are over reacting .

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2024 05:39

Au pairs now have to be paid minimum wage. It isn’t much though. If she’s as good as you say, I would tread carefully. https://www.aupairworld.com/en/au-pair-programs/uk/general-conditions#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20Minimum%20Wage,receive%20£11.44%20per%20hour.

Walkden · 01/10/2024 05:39

"She met up with a young man with no kids at a playground, who now knows what they look like and their names, a complete stranger to me."

This is such blatant misandry. Would you be as concerned if it was a female friend?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 01/10/2024 05:42

but just to be clear, she is an au pair who lives with us

Not a babysitter then

Startinganew32 · 01/10/2024 06:07

Au pairs get some joke “wage” in the form of pocket money and even if you’re paying her per hours I’m guessing it’s minimum wage. Quite frankly who gives a shit if her friend knows your kids’ names? For all you know there could be umpteen sex offenders living on your street who also know your kids’ names. One of their friends’ parents might be an abuser and knows their names and where they live. He’s not going to come and hide in your house or something. Just have a quick word and remind her not to leave them unattended. But she’s not done anything wrong here and is doing a difficult job for shit money. People who claim it’s really reciprocal with au pairs just do it so that they can tell themselves they’re definitely not exploiting them.