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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so pissed off?

168 replies

OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 10:53

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

OP posts:
Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 10:55

Lock on your bedroom door. Tell dh it's non negotiable..
Or you will find a new home and protect your belongings there... And mean it.

OrigamiOwls · 30/09/2024 10:55

I'd start by getting a lockbox/safe to stop any more thefts...

Crunchymum · 30/09/2024 10:58

including the empty box of my engagement ring did she take your ring?

Has 20 year old make up not gone off bad now? (or do you mean things like brushes?)

Yep you need a lock on your door, pronto.

Dumptytree · 30/09/2024 11:02

I dont think you should have to lock up your own stuff in your own house. There is clearly something else going on and the issue is that you need your partner to deal with it firmly.

Could he take her out of the house, somewhere neutral and talk to her about why she does it. At 12 she knows so consequences are she has to replace it either out of pocket money if she gets it or chores to 'earn it'. Also as she didnt own up she looses privacy rights and room will be searched but she can earn that back through honesty.

Is she jealous of you? Does she on some level want to emulate you? Does she want to be more adult? Or is this to get back and you and punish you in some way.

If your relationship is good and its that she wants to be lile you, could you offer to treat her to make up of her own. Take her to a make up class to explain why some will suit her and yours wont. Get make up artist to explain hygiene practices around make up. Its not a reward but bonding and moving forward.

Ask to borrow her stuff some times to model what that looks like and make her think she has great taste.

If its done to be hurtful and punish you then dad needs to get to the bottom of that and you should work slowly on rebuilding that trust before jumping into shopping trip as she wont read it positively. Is family therapy an option?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 11:03

Crunchymum · 30/09/2024 10:58

including the empty box of my engagement ring did she take your ring?

Has 20 year old make up not gone off bad now? (or do you mean things like brushes?)

Yep you need a lock on your door, pronto.

Edited

No she didn't. I never take it off but I don't get why or how she ended up with the box.

And no... There's a blush that is 22 years old and I still wear it, same for some eyeshadow that's been with me for at least 18 years.

OP posts:
Week01 · 30/09/2024 11:09

It's really odd behaviour for a 12 year old. She's either disrespectful and doesn't give a shit about your wishes, or there's something else going on. Is she ND?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 11:14

Week01 · 30/09/2024 11:09

It's really odd behaviour for a 12 year old. She's either disrespectful and doesn't give a shit about your wishes, or there's something else going on. Is she ND?

No she's not ND, I am and my own DD potentially is, but don't recognise any ND in her.

She can be very grown up in some ways and very childish in others, but I think that's just kids in general.

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/09/2024 11:18

I think teenagers borrowing make-up and jewellery etc. is pretty common. Of course she should ask but I don't think it's as weird or unusual as some of the replies are making out.

And of course you shouldn't have to, but I would just lock your door.

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 30/09/2024 11:20

Is he actually addressing it and giving consequences or is he being wishy washy?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 11:31

I get it's normal my DD does it too, but she asks before she takes it. We even have shared clothes and maybe even one nail polish.

My DH afaik has been fairly wishy washy about it. I don't think he necessarily believes in punishment/consequences but it had been up to me she would have had zero pocket money until I could be sure it had stopped.

OP posts:
Week01 · 30/09/2024 11:34

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/09/2024 11:18

I think teenagers borrowing make-up and jewellery etc. is pretty common. Of course she should ask but I don't think it's as weird or unusual as some of the replies are making out.

And of course you shouldn't have to, but I would just lock your door.

Mine would always ask, because it's polite to ask. And she would never take something, destroy it, paint the walls with it, and hide stuff in her drawers. That is not normal teenage behaviour.

DaisyChain505 · 30/09/2024 11:36

Your issue here is your husband. You’ve said he doesn’t believe in punishment or consequences?

That’s a ridiculous way to parent and will lead to spoiled children who have no respect for anything or anyone.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/09/2024 11:37

@Week01 I don't know, I've read enough threads on here where it happens to believe it's not entirely abnormal. I know I used to take my mum's stuff to experiment as I couldn't afford my own and thought she'd say no if I asked her outright.

That doesn't mean it's okay obviously, but I think 12/13 is an odd age where you want to be more grown up but aren't really sure where to start or how to go about it.

WildFlowerBees · 30/09/2024 11:38

This happened to me when my dsd was a similar age and nothing we or her dad said did anything. In her mind she was entitled because as she put it 'this is my house' (we bought the house together and have been together many years) all of my skincare and make up is in the smallest room that I made a dressing room.

I didn't feel I should need to lock up my belongings so I bought a ring camera and put in the the room and told her it was there and would let me know any time she went in.

If she'd have asked she could have used things and like you we bought her her own things. The camera worked, she never did it again knowing she couldn't deny it.

She's a young adult now and she's really lovely, she will still use my stuff but I let her know when she's with us if she wants to use anything of mine feel free. I quite like our little spa evenings!

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 30/09/2024 11:46

OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 11:31

I get it's normal my DD does it too, but she asks before she takes it. We even have shared clothes and maybe even one nail polish.

My DH afaik has been fairly wishy washy about it. I don't think he necessarily believes in punishment/consequences but it had been up to me she would have had zero pocket money until I could be sure it had stopped.

There's the problem then .. you've no back up. She knows she can do what she wants.

Make of that what you will - but trust me that will not get better.

orangegato · 30/09/2024 11:48

This would give me the fucking rage and I’d be out of there.

What a wet wipe DP you have there.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2024 11:57

She is jealous for some reason and she doesn't want you to have stuff - whatever that stuff might be. She doesn't use her own makeup (except as art supplies it appears) and she clearly doesn't want you to have anything nice either.

I'd be having a discussion with DH and say to him that it's no longer possible to deal with this type of ongoing behaviour without her facing consequences of her actions. If something isn't done now, and you mean now, then you will be left with no other choice but to move out to protect your DD and your collective belongings because it's makeup today but what will it be when she thinks she needs money, will it actually be your jewellery???

This would be something that I couldn't get past if actions weren't taken.

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2024 11:57

I’m more worried about the DD wearing the 20yo make-up tbh. I’ve taught mine to write the date (month/year) when they first open/use something, throw after 12mths, and use single use applicators wherever possible, no double dipping, any brushes washed and dried properly after every use. But then, I’ve seen several people end up dead, or with missing limbs, or in life threatening situations with damage causing life long consequences where the best guess has been maybe via old make up. Please tell your DD not to do this as she’s literally taking her life in her hands.

Anonym00se · 30/09/2024 12:02

If she’s painting the walls and bed with make-up, I’d be banning her from having it full stop until she’s old enough to use it properly for its intended use.

Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 12:03

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2024 11:57

She is jealous for some reason and she doesn't want you to have stuff - whatever that stuff might be. She doesn't use her own makeup (except as art supplies it appears) and she clearly doesn't want you to have anything nice either.

I'd be having a discussion with DH and say to him that it's no longer possible to deal with this type of ongoing behaviour without her facing consequences of her actions. If something isn't done now, and you mean now, then you will be left with no other choice but to move out to protect your DD and your collective belongings because it's makeup today but what will it be when she thinks she needs money, will it actually be your jewellery???

This would be something that I couldn't get past if actions weren't taken.

Exactly! And that's my worry. I've got some jewellery pieces that are worth some decent amounts. Same with my bags, but I assume she wouldn't take those as they're bulky. Speaking of which, I've given her some of my bags. They were only Coach/Michael Kors but what I mean is that she been shown that I can share.

OP posts:
Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 30/09/2024 12:19

Feels like a territory thing ...conversation with DP os needed and possible look at moving out if I'm honest. If there's no respect then there's no point.

Wrapmelon · 30/09/2024 12:21

Do you like your dsd? Just a question

Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 12:26

Wrapmelon · 30/09/2024 12:21

Do you like your dsd? Just a question

I don't love her but I don't dislike her either. I do show her my appreciation by not taking sides etc... And all children are treated exactly the same.

Our DH and I very much align in this sense.

OP posts:
MSLRT · 30/09/2024 12:55

I am more shocked that you are using the same eye shadow after 20 years. Mine barely lasts a couple of months.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 30/09/2024 13:22

I have had 3 teen dd's. Never have they even gone into my bedroom with permission.. Never taken my stuff either from around the home. I do lend stuff that has been asked for in the respectful way... Maybe start giving away things of your dh's to a db /df /other. Say you thought it as OK to take people's stuff in your house..