To be so pissed off?

[OkStepmum]

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

And? how is your daughter now?

This point is actually accurate. We live in our home in a "posh" area (for the region). We drive nicer cars, and overall have a higher quality of life.

We went to Sweden this summer and to France and Spain last year.

We do include them though, we're taking them to LA next year. My daughter, for example hasn't had any special trips. (Just in case you ask of the special treatment).

They're all very much aware that the change in lifestyle is not down to my DH, I just happen to make 3x as much as him, and their DM has either been a SAHM or has had fairly junior education based roles.

This is so very obviously a very troubled little girl

and their DM has either been a SAHM or has had fairly junior education based roles.

The DM is an educational psychologist 🫤

I just can’t fathom how none of the adults in this scenario actually seem worried about this girl given. her very concerning behaviour

She is indeed but has been a TA for most of the years I've been around because of the flexibility.

do you have one child and your dh has one too? how old is your daughter?

He's got 2, I've got 1, and a joint one.

and what’s their ages? how does DH’s dd get on with the other children

either way op… this girl needs professional support and it’s sad that no adult seems to have progressed this before now

Well there you have it—at 12 the difference between her mother’s lifestyle and yours, between her life chances and your daughter’s, are becoming evident to her. Her mother had to give up a career and become a TA “for the flexibility “ while her father moved in with a woman who made no compromises and out earns everyone and has all the nice things and special things. Sounds like magical thinking and she is taking what is yours to find a way to securely inhabit your world.

Maybe? Although their DM never had a career before her DC were born. She started her degree after my DSD was born. Before my DSS was born she worked in retail.

Your contempt for her bleeds through every post.

Not the point of this thread but please stop using out of date make up www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/risks-of-using-expired-makeup#:~:text=Risks%20are%20associated%20with%20using,have%20reached%20their%20expiration%20date.

You sound so up your own arse it’s unreal

So what? Non of that is OP’s fault, why should she have her private space violated and possessions stolen from her in her own home?

Unacceptable behaviour needs to be addressed not sweep under the carpet and excuses made.

to me the OP sounds like she would benefit from some professional

and this poor child

in fact all the children i suspect are suffering in this scenario

Oh yea she sounds like she definitely needs help but still up her own arse and the child is definitely the one suffering

I find it really sad that you came into your SDs life when she was 5, and you've never grown to love her. My husband came into my daughter's life when she was 4, and he loves and adores her. I wouldn't want to marry and live with someone who didn't love my kids, let alone have more with them, as I can't imagine making my daughter live with someone who doesn't love her.

I don't expect my DH to love my DD properly either. We're very open about his. We married each other, not our children I understand this is not for everyone, but it works for.us.

undoubtedly

it works for us

This thread rather demonstrates it does not “work”

I guess you've got your range of answers OP. Advice is always kinda useless coz nobody but you really has the full facts

Like some of the other people, I find it kind of 'sad' that you and your DH don't love each other's kids, but I mean that literally, just sad, because my own stepdad was an important figure in my life. You can't control who you love, nobody has a right to judge you for it, and everybody's just trying to do their best based on what they know.

All that said, I think it's valuable that people have pointed out to you that your DSD is a person too and might have her own stuff going on. I don't fully understand your arrangement - do you just leave each other to talk to and deal with your respective kids? I can't see a way that that wouldn't inevitably lead to conflict and favouritism and hard feelings, side taking and alliances and politics and all that. I still don't really understand why you see it as DH's responsibility to talk to DSD when she's somebody you must have at least some kind of relationship with?

Even putting aside the commitment you take on as a parent, and the duty of care of living together/being in loco parentis, in any interaction between an adult and a child (and 12, by any measure, is a child) the adult has the responsibility to think and behave like an adult, to understand that the kid is still developing, and that this might mean picking up just a bit of the slack that you wouldn't expect to have to deal with in interactions with another adult.

I dunno, love or not, it feels like if you're not in a position to respect her enough to have just a straight conversation with her - if you're just a woman she lives with - I don't see any reason why she'd value and respect you. You can go the other way and rule through fear, lock the doors, go tit for tat, push for escalating punishment, all that, but you'll probably just be breeding resentment and storing up a bunch of conflict that doesn't need to happen. Real damage can get done that way, to the child, to your relationship, to the other kids who have to live in that environment, and because it's exhausting, to you.

And, ultimately, fighting with a kid just isn't a good look, even if you win. You're making a bit of a rod for your own back if you imbue somebody whose brain isn't going to be properly formed for another 8-10 years with the power to 'piss [you] off', and it might be best to find a way to avoid thinking about it in those terms.

That's how we've always parented. I don't tell off his, he doesn't tell off mine. It works because we don't take sides.

It's not about respect it's about the rules of engagement of our home.

Sorry, this (and what a strange contemptuous attitude to her mother's career comes through in your posts, to the extent that I bet your dsd picks up on it) - and also what pikkumy and nootcoffee say. She's 'acting out'. Incredibly obviously so. It's a distress signal.

It really doesn't work. It makes you both - you and your dh - sound cold, tbh, along with the materialism. I'm less and less surprised at this poor girl's behaviour.