Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off?

168 replies

OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 10:53

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

OP posts:
Original poster
OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 14:42

MSLRT · 30/09/2024 12:55

I am more shocked that you are using the same eye shadow after 20 years. Mine barely lasts a couple of months.

My DM still has an eyeshadow palette from the 70s!

OP posts:
protectthesmallones · 30/09/2024 19:51

WildFlowerBees · 30/09/2024 11:38

This happened to me when my dsd was a similar age and nothing we or her dad said did anything. In her mind she was entitled because as she put it 'this is my house' (we bought the house together and have been together many years) all of my skincare and make up is in the smallest room that I made a dressing room.

I didn't feel I should need to lock up my belongings so I bought a ring camera and put in the the room and told her it was there and would let me know any time she went in.

If she'd have asked she could have used things and like you we bought her her own things. The camera worked, she never did it again knowing she couldn't deny it.

She's a young adult now and she's really lovely, she will still use my stuff but I let her know when she's with us if she wants to use anything of mine feel free. I quite like our little spa evenings!

What a good idea!

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 20:07

Get a lockable case, she obviously can’t be trusted.

HeddaGarbled · 30/09/2024 20:13

Psychology 101: she resents you, isn’t allowed to show it, takes it out on your precious stuff. Punishment will make it worse. High security & supervision and the passage of time are the only solutions.

GinForBreakfast · 30/09/2024 20:14

Things were made to last back in the day!

Your H needs to take this seriously. What would he do if your DD pilfered his personal belongings and hid them in her room.

Original poster
OkStepmum · 01/10/2024 08:35

Tellysavelas · 30/09/2024 20:07

Get a lockable case, she obviously can’t be trusted.

That was her own DMs suggestion. At the time I said she needs to learn to respect other people's belongings but that obviously hasn't worked.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 01/10/2024 08:45

OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 10:53

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

In the short term, have a lock put on your dressing table drawers or whatever you use, or get a lockable box. There a re bigger issues here but that would be my starting point.

Scaredstressed · 04/10/2024 11:20

OkStepmum · 30/09/2024 10:53

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

This isn’t about the make-up. Or emulating you. Or being more grown-up.

It’s about pushing for a scenario where you flip and Daddy will take her side.

I have been there. For me, this culminated in my SD raiding my make-up bag and stealing expensive designer items whilst I was in hospital and we were in a foreign country.

When I asked my husband to deal with it, I was told he didn’t want to ruin the holiday, so I had to deal with it. Et voila…evil step mum ruins holiday. I put up with 15 years of this before my husband just this week apologised and saw the fallout that his oath of action had caused.

The vintage stuff needs to be locked away, as it’s irreplaceable.

When you buy new stuff, buy her a duplicate. This way, you cannot be accused of excluding her and, because she has the exact same item, she has no need to steal yours.

As for drawing on the walls with make-up at age 12…it’s weird, toddleresque behaviour that needs to stop: whether you own or rent the house, trashing it is unacceptable. You need to make that point clear. However, I would let the father deal with it or not deal with it (as long as it’s just in her room). Then, when it comes to selling or the end of the lease, one of them can clean it - just close the door and imagine it’s not there (unless she is sharing a room).

Shes acting like a little madam to drive a wedge between you and your partner: stay calm and don’t give her what she wants.

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 11:25

I think teenagers borrowing make-up and jewellery etc. is pretty common.

not in my book, and i was at an all girls boarding school and have 2 dd. They would NEVER have "borrowed" anything of mine without first asking and getting permission. At school? Anyone who stole from anyone else was sent to coventry. And that was no laughing matter, so it hardly ever happened.

WaneyEdge · 04/10/2024 11:29

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2024 11:57

I’m more worried about the DD wearing the 20yo make-up tbh. I’ve taught mine to write the date (month/year) when they first open/use something, throw after 12mths, and use single use applicators wherever possible, no double dipping, any brushes washed and dried properly after every use. But then, I’ve seen several people end up dead, or with missing limbs, or in life threatening situations with damage causing life long consequences where the best guess has been maybe via old make up. Please tell your DD not to do this as she’s literally taking her life in her hands.

Loss of limbs and death from old make up? Really?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 11:29

@Scaredstressed as much as I agree with you on most points there is no way in hell I'll buy £50+ lipsticks for her just so we're "equal". My DH even agrees that she doesn't deserve any makeup full stop.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2024 11:34

His attitude would do my head in. If I was being petty I’d start taking his stuff and see how he liked it.

Ignore shitty posts asking if you like her. It’s the usual suspects trying to make you the villain because they had a step mum or their kids do.

The way you feel is completely normal and justified.

Winter2020 · 04/10/2024 11:38

OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 11:29

@Scaredstressed as much as I agree with you on most points there is no way in hell I'll buy £50+ lipsticks for her just so we're "equal". My DH even agrees that she doesn't deserve any makeup full stop.

If all the children are treated the same how would you react if it was your daughter taking your stuff? Would you agree that she "doesn't deserve any makeup full stop" if it was your daughter?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 11:41

Winter2020 · 04/10/2024 11:38

If all the children are treated the same how would you react if it was your daughter taking your stuff? Would you agree that she "doesn't deserve any makeup full stop" if it was your daughter?

Show quote history

Of course! First of all she asks for it (when she has).

Secondly it's more about painting on the walls with it :/

Believe it or not all kids are treated the same.

OP posts:
betterangels · 04/10/2024 11:43

Lock your belongings away. I'd be pissed off with husband. He needs to grow a pair and teach his daughter the difference between her stuff and everyone else's. I'd also stop giving her anything of yours.

Noglitterallowed · 04/10/2024 11:51

Get a make up case like a vanity box one that can be locked. If she is taking stuff and isn’t having consequences then she thinks she can get away with it! So your husband need to sort that. I do find having sentimental make up a bit strange though and using make up that old is extremely bad for you. The risk of infection etc! Same for sharing make up

Saphire123 · 04/10/2024 11:54

Has her real mum been mentioned yet?
Is your step daughter in touch with her?

CatamaranViper · 04/10/2024 11:59

I agree with getting a ring camera or some sort of camera in the room.
If there are actual consequences for her when she gets caught then sooner or later she'll stop.

Does she like you?

Original poster
OkStepmum · 04/10/2024 12:00

Noglitterallowed · 04/10/2024 11:51

Get a make up case like a vanity box one that can be locked. If she is taking stuff and isn’t having consequences then she thinks she can get away with it! So your husband need to sort that. I do find having sentimental make up a bit strange though and using make up that old is extremely bad for you. The risk of infection etc! Same for sharing make up

You would find most of the things I hoard a bit strange. I have chocolate wrappers, unopened bags of Cheetos...

OP posts:
Isthismykarma · 04/10/2024 12:03

When my sister and I were teenagers we were always nicking makeup and clothes from each other and our mum.
I get if you want your DH to come down harder on it, but I think some of the responses above are a bit dramatic claiming she must be neurodiverse, jealous of you etc.

Alondra · 04/10/2024 12:04

Teenagers "stealing" make up is normal. Your DD asks you for what she wants because, she's your DD and has a solid relationship with you. The solid and strong relationship your step-daughter doesn't have with you.

She's 12, little more than a child. I think you are too concerned about protecting your make up instead of treating her the way you treat your own DD.

PrettyPickle · 04/10/2024 12:08

Personally, if it was me, I would get Dad to sit her down and tell her that whilst this is her home, there are personal things in the house that belong to others and it is not polite to take it without first asking and being told it is OK.

Get him to tell her that you have some sentimental stuff that she may not know about and so she shouldn't take without asking and receiving permission first.

Tell her that if things keep continuing to walk into her room without permission, then select items will be removed from her room to see how she likes it and they will not be returned. Sometimes tough love and appreciation of the others loss is the only way to go.

This must come from Dad though and not you!

Alondra · 04/10/2024 12:12

Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I have no idea how make up can have sentimental value and understand, even less, how after 20 years any kind of make up is still usable.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 04/10/2024 12:14

I’d be giving it away if it’s 20 year old make up. Cosmetics have best before dates and 20 years is pushing it.

FupaTrooper · 04/10/2024 12:14

Alondra · 04/10/2024 12:12

Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I have no idea how make up can have sentimental value and understand, even less, how after 20 years any kind of make up is still usable.

Lipstick worn on a first date, blush purchased with first paycheck etc.

I understand makeup having sentimental value, I wouldn't keep wearing it though. I would just keep it in a memory box.

OP, taking makeup and bits is normal. But the painting on the walls with it isn't. That is a big red flag to me of either her being ND or there being abuse going on.

It isn't "normal" acting out and smearing things on walls is typically an immediate safeguarding flag. Especially at her age as it is seen as a regression.

There's something wrong here.