To be so pissed off?

[OkStepmum]

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

I suggested that she may be jealous of the OP.

I grew up in a household full of girls - we never stole any makeup from our mother. We may have asked if we might use some every once in a while (until such time as we could afford to have our own). I still thing there is some underlying issue relating to the fact that the OP is not her mother but her step mother and the child here is in a state upset of some sort because she is trying to find her place in the family and is struggling in the new family set up.

My "mementos" are all in designated and labeled boxes. The makeup is slightly different because some of it I still use it (same as perfumes).

What new set up? The OP has been with this child’s father for more than half her life

this issue aside, what is your relationship like with her

SD is almost certainly jealous that OP gets her dad’s attention but her father should be making it clear that this behaviour isn’t acceptable and won’t be tolerated.

I too am cautious about using expired makeup so throw it away after the appropriate amount of time, but single use applicators are often horrendous for the environment.

I'd love to know where you live where several people have died and lost limbs because of old makeup....I know of one person who had an slight eye infection once which may or may not have been related to an old mascara

Yes I agree with this, DH needs to step up here and support you that this is not acceptable.

The stealing and lying is one thing but the disrespect of her going into your bedroom and sneaking about is equally as bad.

It’s VERY odd behaviour for a 12yo to be drawing on the walls /bed etc with make up. That’s something you’d expect toddlers to do.
Something else is going on, she’s using this behaviour to communicate that she’s not ok. How is her behaviour otherwise? Is she living with you fulltime? How long have you and her dad been together? How does she feel about her parent’s seperation (and you being in the picture)? Is she getting any time alone with dad? Has something else changed before this started? Any bullying? Abuse? Sorry to ask difficult questions, but I don’t think this is about the make-up, WHAT she’s doing with the make up is the unusual behaviour.

No, she's lived with between 50/50 and 40/60 for the past seven years.

She's always been fair "babyish" (she was scared of the toaster until she was like 10).

She also always makes her self gargantuan milkshakes every weekend, but as she drinks them, we've been fairly ok with it.

Like I said the separation/re-coupling happened many many moons ago so I doubt it has anything to do with this. She does spend 1:1 time with her dad, but one key difference is that her DM is very crafty and I'm not. I go through phases of baking, but that's where it ends.

AFAIK there's no abuse or anything. From what I understood she also has odd behaviours with toiletries at her mum's, but that hasn't really been discussed.

She's top of her class, has plenty of friends, etc...

Smearing make up on bedding and walls and being scared of the toaster isn’t normal behaviour for a child that age, she sounds like she is ND

Her DM works with NV children, she has a degree in educational psychology or something like that, so I'd assume she would have been able to pick it up.

I'm NV myself and don't see any traits.

I have 20 year old Dior eyeshadow palette that is fine

You can’t have liked it very much
So why keep it?

OP have you thought about starting a thread on the mental health board about your hoarding?

It's ok! It's part of my flavour of ND.

Yes

But what is it like for members of your household to live amongst rubbish?

The mementos are all in designated and labeled boxes, they’re not strewn over the floor 😂

sweet wrappers, unopened packets of cheerios? all in storage in your family home?

People do collect sweet wrappers. And cereal boxes. It’s a thing, collectors don’t just collect stamps.

indeed they do

And there is a particular item they collect in that instance ie stamps

Not make up, toiletries, perfume, unopened crisps packets, chocolate wrappers “etc”

That is the preserve of hoarders

My point is that i think the OP would also benefit from help

Bleurgh at 18 yo eyeshadow 🤮
I'm astonished neither you nor DSD have developed an eye infection, tbh.

Are you saying this man who is the Guinness World Record holder for the largest collection of candy wrappers is not a genuine collector? Isn’t it subjective?

www.guinnessworldrecords.com/world-records/largest-collection-of-candy-wrappers#:~:text=The%20largest%20collection%20of%20candy,countries%20all%20around%20the%20world.

head. wall. bang.

Does he also collect make up, crisp packets, bags “etc”

No.

It's attention seeking

She's pissed off about your relationship with her father

She’s allowed to collect whatever she wants.

If it’s labelled and boxed then it’s a hobby, not squalor.