To be so pissed off?

[OkStepmum]

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

If it’s labelled and boxed then it’s a hobby

Sure. Collect bags of dog shit and as long as you label and box it… it’s a hobby.

Most bizarre.

@Tellysavelas out if interest…. what kind of state is your home? Do you also collect lots of unrelated items (unopened crisp packs, wrappers, along with make up and bags for example?)

No, both my mum and grandmother had diagnosed OCD so I’ve been affected by that.

Happy now?

Just because I’m aware people do something doesn’t mean I do it myself.

No, what?

no you don’t hoard / collect?

Yes because bags of dog shits is the same as unopened cereal boxes 🙄

No, I don’t collect. Not that it’s any of your business.

You relate to the OP and that’s fair enough

I think that to be collecting unopened crisp packs and wrappers, alongside a bit of other item… is Not “collecting” even if you do neatly label it. It’s hoarding.

And would be bloody embarrassing for her DD for example to have friends over to this kind of “labelled” clutter

You don’t because of your childhood with an OCD mother

and my concern is that the children in this scenario will also be impacted hence me suggesting op may want to address hoarding crisp packets and wrappers.

Op I had this with my sd about 12 years ago, she had zero respect for any of my stuff and dh wouldn't do anything. The amount of times I got into the shower, soaking wet only to realise my shampoo had gone missing. One day when I was pregnant she wore my knickers because she had her period, got blood on them and put them in my washing basket. It was vile. Dh said he spoke to her and she said she didn't do it, I was pregnant so definitely not having periods! He never dished out any discipline or anything so in the end I lost my shit and had a massive go at her myself, it kind of worked and she didn't do it as much.

Dh never did stand up to her though and she's now a delightfully entitled 25 year old.

and you’re still married to your DH??

Yes but we came very close to a divorce at one point, I'm glad I stuck it out as we are very happy but my god did she test us. He admits now that he was shit at disciplining her but he felt guilty.

Don't be ridiculous. Its basically some memory boxes. No different to keeping a ticket stub.

I don’t think there is a hierarchy to collections, it’s very personal. Someone’s crisp packet collection may mean more to them than the biggest stamp collection in the world. If someone is taking the trouble to label the individual items and box them then they clearly care about said items.

Agreed

but the key here is that it isn’t one thing the OP is collecting

It is multiple

and if you’re including unopened crisp packets and. chocolate wrappers amongst other items… it does suggest there may be more to this

But they don't leave amongst it! They're in boxes in the loft/top of MY closet. None of my "collections" are in any shared/public space.

Whoever said they were like ticket stubs, yes it's very similar. It is a chocolate wrapper from the first "gift" my DH bought me when we started dating. The bag of cheetos is one that a colleague bought for me in a random airport when he was travelling after I randomly mentioned something about cheetos the year before. I thought it was extremely thoughtful and wanted to keep it as a memento of it.

So you’re on this thread interrogating me and then going on another thread to say I’m being argumentative on this thread.

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Goodness… it’s all about you isn’t it?!

😆

I don’t know, you tell me, you’re the one following me around.

This was my daughter, I could have written this! Stole, destroyed, lied, every single day, drove me to almost a breakdown. I felt so violated, nothing of mine was safe. She could never explain why she did it, I have always thought it was because her dad was so shit, basically an absent father even though he was local. Like she tried to fill the abandonment feeling with stuff. She stole from shops too

I've read parts of the thread. So I understand your step daughter repeatedly steals or damages your things. Your husband has been asked to discipline his child so she learns to stop stealing from you, this is slow coming or not happening effectively. Etc.

Honestly, can I just ask you to take a step back? You probably have a DH problem. You definitely have a DSD problem. You're not going to break up your marriage over this, right? Meanwhile, simply lock up your stuff and make it clear to your husband is child is a thief and you won't tolerate it by not calling it out. You don't need to justify this. Lock up your stuff, lock on bedroom door. Take back your space.

Yes, people will say on here that you shouldn't need to do this. True. But I actually think it's beneficial to lay it out there, she's a thief, you won't tolerate it and it's your husband's to deal with it. Don't be abused and don't leave it all there to be victimized. In your own home, take control.

I was going to say this, it’s fine to keep the sentimental makeup, but I definitely wouldn’t recommend using it, it can cause infections or nasty skin conditions.

Obviously regardless step daughter shouldn’t be taking or using without permission, my younger sister used to do this and it went on until she went to Uni, where she now does it to her housemates 🙃

I can't help feeling there's more to this than apparent, as others have said

OP is there a big difference in lifestyle between the two households? I'm wondering if maybe she thinks you don't deserve nice things if her mum doesn't have them, or something like that?

If you don't love her, she will feel that. You can't possibly treat them equally if you love one but not the other.

Being afraid of a toaster till 10 and smearing make up on the walls /bed etc are NOT normal.
Don’t assume the mum would have picked up on it because she has a degree in educational psychology. She wouldn’t be the first parent working in the field to not recognise issues in their own child.
Also, don’t assume (IF neurodiversity were the reason) that she will show the same signs as you (I think I picked up that are neurodiverse, my apologies if I read that incorrrectly).
But there could also be other reasons. To me all flags are still raised for it being a massive cry for help. There is something going on with her. She needs to be assessed and get therapy for whatever the cause is for her behaviours. But please believe me, being scared of a toaster and smearing make up is NOT normal behaviour.

It sounds like a compulsive behaviour. Stealing things she’s really want, they lying about it. There is surely more going on than just naughtiness/dishonestly.