To be so pissed off?

[OkStepmum]

Full context I've been with my DH for seven years and my DSD is 12. We've always had a few problems because she has used my stuff (an iPad a few years ago) and now my makeup without asking. I've always been clear she can use it if she asks, not just take it without permission.

This year I noticed my makeup started to disappear. Some bits are worthless but many have sentimental value (for example I still have a few bits I bought 20+ years ago and believe it or not still use them!)

I told my DH to have a chat with her. He did a few of them. Maybe about a month ago I saw she took one of those precious bits of makeup and she completely destroyed it. So I had enough and told him he had to discipline her. Up to that point we thought the matter was solved.

Until yesterday... When I found even more makeup and some newish eyeliners, including the empty box of my engagement ring. She claimed she didn't know how they appeared in her room. I knew she took them. DH wanted a clean slate, I asked him to go through her drawers and voila! More of my missing makeup. He doesn't necessarily think I'm over reacting but I hate being portrayed as the evil step mum when it's my stuff!

We have bought her tons of her own makeup. Some even came in very nice cases and she just ends up destroying it all. We actually don't know why, but she paints on the walls/paper/her bed with it.

After this last episode I'm worried she might take my jewellery too.

She sounds like a very troubled girl. Nicking your make-up isn't the root of the issue.

How is it that I have an attitude? I genuinely don't know much about her career choices. I know very little 3rd party information.

Plus I like nice things, I work hard for them, I don't think that's being materialistic per se.

I'm not the one who told my DSD that "men were there to use their credit cards and buy nice things for you, you just need to look cute".

Does her DM share with her in a way that you don’t and that is why it feels confusing?

My DD’s share make-up and some clothes with me, and come in and out of my bedroom and use things, and that is just normal in our household. We all share quite happily and I’m not precious about my things generally and neither is my DH, although I’d expect someone to let me know if they were borrowing my headphones for example; in case I was looking for them.

I did hear recently though that at there dad’s house their Step-mother has a sign in her bedroom that says “Do not touch my things”.

And I am aware that one of the girls wore a pair of her flip-flops to the beach without asking in summer and she was angry and that when she noticed she made her return home to take them off.

At the time, I put that down to her being generally uptight and a bit highly strung - the DDs don’t like staying there as it is, and have cut down their contact a lot, so they are only there for a few nights a month and I did wonder what “things”
they were taking: they wouldn’t be borrowing her make up I don’t think but they must have done something to upset her!

I couldn’t care less if a child who was staying with me borrowed a pair of cheap flip flops.

But now that I have read this, I see that some people have a very different attitude to sharing with their teens, and maybe that is what has caused problems when my DD’s to go to visit their DF.

So OP, do you think that her own DM might have a different attitude, and that the change of rules/transition is a problem for your step-DD, particularly if she is neurodivergent?

I know that they have completely different rules at their DMs home Vs ours. For example over there they can't eat while watching TV / their rooms / sofas. They're also responsible for cleaning their room every other day.

About the sharing stuff I wouldn't really know. I know she's got make up over there and I know some of it are hand-me-downs.

There are certain things that we DO share here. All the hair styling electrics are shared without a problem.

Maybe if you explain the “why” from your point of view then that will help? As using hair products without asking but different rules for make up and other things might make more sense.

It it’s for hygiene reasons (and DD might not worry about that but if it is important to you then you can explain that it makes you uncomfortable & she should be able to understand that), or fear of things getting lost, or sentimental value, or just some items feel impersonal and are easy to share (hairdryer) but others feel more personal and it upsets you if others use them, then maybe she will get it and it won’t feel personal?

I live in a neurodiverse household and it can take a lot of tolerance for everyone to accommodate and understand each other, but I think always explaining the “why” really truthfully goes a long way, whether it’s being explained to a NT or ND family member.

The hair products are shared because she asked and we kind of established rules. The makeup she's been told that it's not shareable (and we've explained why too!)

Well stop and ask yourself why explaining your quite reasonable rules for your makeup didn’t work? Why she continues to act out in ways that are hostile, sneaky, angry, chaotic, pointless, and damaging to the relationship? Because she definitely has a reason. This is not mindless or random behavior.

The question isn’t really an AIBU question. Being in the right or wrong doesn’t put you in a better position arguing with her. Because she is resisting you through the medium of the thefts and destructive behavior. Only if you stop being so self satisfied (we don’t love them/our house rules work for us/I have no idea what goes on in her home or about her mother/Im not materialistic) all of those things are just self centered justifications for not being interested in her inner life and her evident anguish.

Try harder to care about her.

It works because we don't take sides.

It doesn’t “work” OP

You have a very very unhappy and troubled SD

and i can’t imagine the other children are also in the best state either

and the very fact the OP thinks it is… says it all

I once actively cared about my DSS I was told on no uncertain terms to stay in my lane. So I've never bothered ever again.

We care in other ways though. It was thanks to me that my DSS reconsidered his A levels, and now he's even considering going to Oxbridge.

I also do her homework with my DSD when she's around, and she's improved too.

I once actively cared about my DSS I was told on no uncertain terms to stay in my lane

who by?

So what exactly is anyone going to do about helping this poor girl after overwhelming majority telling you how very concerning this is

It was their DM who told me I wasn't a parent, which I get. I'm not their parent.

I have raised that the whole smearing on the walls wasn't normal. As long as my DH keeps thinking that it's because she's doing some random tik toks, there's not a lot I can do either.

so on the basis of the ex telling you to stay in your lane, you nodded and said sure and took a big leap back.

Despite the fact the girl was with you for 50% of the time

And meanwhile your husband had bugger all to say on the matter

A depressing shit show for all the children involved

I think that one way or another, you need to figure out what's being communicated through your SD's behaviour. It sounds like she is trying to communicate something without knowing what it is.

Therapy for one, both or all of you might help.

Meanwhile I would figure out how to store things that are important to you where she can't take them.

I'd start helping myself to her stuff and lie about it. Works both ways

oh dear lord 😆

Wow

@wizzywig is a parent as well according to posting history 😞