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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
mumtotwo11 · 30/09/2024 11:00

Hollietree · 30/09/2024 10:45

Here’s my wedding situation if it helps.

We had a venue that could only hold 90 people, sounds like a lot right? However we both have big families - so after all our families were counted for, add on our 4 closest friends who were 2 bridesmaids/bestman/usher…….. we were left with 8 spaces left each to invite friends. So I had to pick 8 friends - I obviously wasn’t going to pick 4 friends and their husbands, then not invite 4 of my actual friends.

We explained to our reasons to everyone, they were all understanding.

I’m sure it’s something like that. Don’t take it as a major personal snub. She just has a lot of family/friends that she is closer to and wants at her wedding, over her friend’s wife who she isn’t super close to.

But you've explained to your friends why you can't have their partners, not just said "it's my wedding, I'll invite who I want"

If it was down to space, why would she not have said that? Or at the very least invited the wife to the evening if not for the day?

BarbaraHoward · 30/09/2024 11:00

Yeah that's awful. I think the only times it's ok not to invite someone's spouse to a wedding is if it's a group attending as singles (work team, sports club type stuff).

Your DH should really be taking a stand here.

swimminginthelagoon · 30/09/2024 11:01

Another one to say it’s inappropriate and unkind. Also wondering why your husband finds it acceptable for you not to be invited. It’s a friend not a family member. He doesn’t HAVE to go.

Timeheals · 30/09/2024 11:02

There are several potential reasons
she may not like you
her husband to be may not like you
they may like you but feel that the dynamics change when you are there and would like to spend time with your DH.
You’re not unreasonable to be put out but neither are they, and your DH should be able to have friends outside of your relationship.

FFSWherearemyglasses · 30/09/2024 11:03

YANBU … This is very poor form.
I’d be interested to know which couples have been invited as a couple.
They deffo have a story.

sunsu · 30/09/2024 11:04

Definitely weird of the bride and groom but I think it’s appalling that your DH is going and supporting this treatment of you (and himself). I’d never treat a friend so poorly by excluding their spouse, regardless of how I felt about them. My husband would never be friends with someone that purposefully excluded me and I think that’s a far bigger issue than the bride’s behaviour!

Sorry OP! That sucks x

Codlingmoths · 30/09/2024 11:05

If he says I’m going and that’s that, I’d go away the date of the wedding, and not come back for a few days, as I wouldn’t want to be there when he got back, I wouldn’t want him walking back into his home with his wife there.

FerienInLipizza · 30/09/2024 11:06

In these circumstances (where you have never behaved badly towards her) I would see this as a relationship with my husband, deal breaker.

If he goes, he is giving tacit acknowledgement that her treatment of you is fine when it absolutely is not bloody well fine!

In these circumstances my DH would cut her out let alone not attend or decline the invite.

Figsonit · 30/09/2024 11:12

Your husband must know what's going on but isn't telling you.

Did she attend your own wedding?

Hidingbehindmyname · 30/09/2024 11:12

soundsys · 30/09/2024 09:25

Well this is the thing, I genuinely haven't spent enough time with her for her to dislike me based on something that I've said or done!

Show quote history

You say you haven't spent enough time with her to dislike you. In other words you haven't spent enough time with her to like you either.
Why is the bride to be getting the blame for not inviting you? I'm sure the groom has some say in the wedding guest list.
You husband is a witness so I'm presuming he is best/grooms man? So is pretty close to the couple.

I'd be more annoyed at my dh for going to the wedding to be honest. He is happy enough for you to be left out of social occasions while he goes off and has fun with them.

jeaux90 · 30/09/2024 11:16

I'm willing to bet it's your DH that wants to go alone and has blamed the Bride

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/09/2024 11:21

That’s incredibly rude. And he’s going?? You have a DH problem right there…

Pickledprawn · 30/09/2024 11:26

It's very rude, she must have a very strong reason not to invite you (whether it's reasonable or not). He needs to call her out and ask her to clarify why, and I don't think he should attend.

poetryandwine · 30/09/2024 11:27

The posts by @TheCultureHusks around 10.53 are quite sharp but I think they are valuable, OP.

If your husband doesn’t want you there and the other guests realise it, they will see him as a jerk. Otherwise her first post is spot on. I agree you should show these to him. ‘Lapdog’ indeed! I bet that isn’t how he sees himself, but it is accurate

Funnywonder · 30/09/2024 11:28

YANBU. I can’t believe your husband thinks this is ok. Where is his loyalty to his wife?

Also, I know people can invite whoever they want to their wedding - it’s like a bloody mantra on here - but there’s a world of difference between leaving out half of a long standing married couple and not inviting children, cousins or the neighbour’s budgie. Not acceptable at all IMO.

Redmat · 30/09/2024 11:28

I think there are a few occasions when it's OK not to invite spouses eg a group of work collegues with spouses you have not met. This is not one of them.
She is beyond rude and I agree with others that she obviously jealous of you.
She is probably marrying her " second choice" so I have sympathy for him too.
I would not support your husbands decision to go but not sure you can do much about it.

housethatbuiltme · 30/09/2024 11:28

Your DH letting her treat you badly is the issue.

As for the wedding, do not expect someone to give up a day (or longer) to celebrate your love if you cannot even show basic respect to theirs. People don't have to have chosen my DH personally but I did and they have to respect that if they expect me to respect and celebrate their own choice.

pasturesgreen · 30/09/2024 11:31

Major DH problem you have right there, if he's isn't batting an eyelid at the bride's weird behaviour (not just wrt the wedding, but also past instances of batshittery), but instead planning to go and playing a major role in the ceremony.

He's either oblivious or enjoying the flattery. Either way, a serious conversation needs to be had.

hoglets · 30/09/2024 11:32

she sounds very weird and insecure but she is not the problem. Your DH is.

Cannot believe he intends on going.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/09/2024 11:33

Are you the only spouse who's not invited?

Seeingadistance · 30/09/2024 11:33

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/09/2024 08:59

YANBU , it’s incredibly weird and rude , in my opinion.

Very much this!

Why hasn't your DH told her to fuck off?!

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2024 11:34

My husband wouldn’t go.

Floralnomad · 30/09/2024 11:35

YANBU and you have a massive husband problem .

reabies · 30/09/2024 11:36

I think as weddings are soo expensive these days, more and more people are just inviting the people they actually know, and like, and have a relationship, rather than accepting married people come as a pair.

We definitely invited some other halves to our wedding that I don't regret as such, but they didn't add anything to my day, and I wouldn't have missed them if they weren't there. And we had to make cuts somewhere, so it became a bit of 'well they are married and this is a wedding, so even though we don't know his wife, she'll get the invite instead of the unmarried partner of one of our other friends' Felt a bit arbitrary.

I do think it's weird if you have tried to be friends, socialise etc with this couple over the years. She clearly isn't interested in a relationship with you.

I'm trying to think if DH was invited to a close friends' wedding but I wasn't, would I feel snubbed. I think I probably would a bit, yes, but I'd also be a bit relieved that I didn't have to go, sort childcare, and spend a day with people who aren't really my friends. So also kind of a non-issue.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 30/09/2024 11:39

I had this happen in my 20s - not as bad as we were not married or living together merely together 6 years and engaged but I did know them all and I was invited to evening bit. It was awful - I don't know what she'd said about me but I seem to be fair game to everyone to have a pop at.

Few year later DH did finally see though the behavior - and while there no big fall out he's not really seen them since.

It was a way of making it clear I wan't part of the group and I think there was also some possessiveness about DH and other single men in the group.

If your situation happened to me now my DH would be answering some awkward questions.