Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
ISpyNoPlumPie · 30/09/2024 11:45

Sheesh. There’s not a chance in my hell my DH would go to the wedding in this situation - and he wouldn’t be friends with anyone who treated me like this. For all the apologists(!), yes people are allowed to not like people and they can be rude (and life will deal with that), but my DH, for all his faults, likes me more than he likes anyone else in the world. Your DH doesn’t and I have no clue how you navigate a marriage like that.

Pipsquiggle · 30/09/2024 11:47

@soundsys - could you show this thread to your DH? See his reaction.

Trixiefirecracker · 30/09/2024 11:48

I’d be inclined to show his this thread.

Trixiefirecracker · 30/09/2024 11:48

Oh! @Pipsquiggle Snap!!! 😂

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 11:49

I don't usually become riled up by posts on mumsnet but sorry OP this one has definitely managed to do just that.

I would be livid and quite honestly I'd be doing everything in my power to make sure the 'friendship' with this woman ended immediately. I can't understand why your DH is tolerating her behaviour towards you. I think this calls for a serious chat with him.

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 11:49

Trixiefirecracker · 30/09/2024 11:48

I’d be inclined to show his this thread.

Definitely this

HellonHeels · 30/09/2024 11:49

Outside this and all the previous episodes where you invited her to things and she didn't go - how is your relationship with DH? Is he nice to you? Do you do stuff together?

My guess is there's some kind of weird triangular relationship with bride and groom and your DH and the three of them pretend you don't exist.

LAMPS1 · 30/09/2024 11:50

Why doesn’t she like you OP?

Your husband must know. Have you asked him? Are you two close or do you have marriage problems.
He or you must have something to say on the matter other than …..I don’t know why her dislike is so deep-rooted.

If neither of you genuinely have no answers then both of you can only think the worst of her, which begs the question why is he at her beck and call.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 30/09/2024 11:53

It’s weird as you describe

if it was a workmate and work colleagues going to the evening do then I wouldn’t expect a plus one

RB68 · 30/09/2024 11:53

Its not her that's the issue its your DH

ImNunTheWiser · 30/09/2024 11:55

Hmmm, no one here knows the real reason so difficult to be definitive. But I can tell you I did this. I could only have 50 people at my wedding (absolute restriction on numbers due to registry office being in a tiny listed building). I invited a friend (and her two children, we had a few little children of friend's) I'd met through school run and really was friendly with her at the time. I'd never met her partner, even though they'd been together a few years at that point. I didn't want to invite people I did not know when I was restricted on numbers. I had way more people than 50 that I would have liked to have invited before a complete stranger, but that's the way it was. It was her choice to accept or decline. As it was I felt I had no choice but to invite the BF of another close friend (also never met and only been together a few months) because she'd recently broken her leg and he, driving her, was the only way she could get reasonably get to us. He was lovely, but he a complete stranger to me. It still irks, 16 years on, having a complete stranger in my wedding photos when there were other friends I would have preferred to have there.

Bthebestucanb · 30/09/2024 12:01

I don't know which one is being more disrespectful towards you OP, her or him although it feels like both equally.

As far as I'm concerned if it was my DH I'd make it clear I might not be around on his return. Having said that he wouldn't dream of disrespecting me in this way. I'm usually the opposite when posting about situations within relationships as I'm all for making marriage work.

Edit, I meant to add a quote to this post where you said he is definitely going to this wedding.

MrsAvocet · 30/09/2024 12:04

I suppose it depends a bit on the precise details but yes, your situation sounds odd. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with partners having some separate friends. My DH and I have friends independently of each other, and I do have male friends who don't really know DH and whose wives I'm not particularly friendly with. There's nothing suspicious about it - I cycle, and there's lots of blokes in the club. If we invited DH or their wives to come on a club ride they'd probably decline as they don't cycle much. Likewise DH has a hobby I'm not that interested in so I don't know all his friends. Ditto friends from work.
However we go to social events together and if one of our work or hobby friends was getting married, if one of us was invited I am certain we'd both be. Likewise if I invited my friends for dinner I would invite wives and girlfriends too. We only see each other without partners in the context of our mutual hobby, and it's not like partners are actually excluded, if they wanted to come they'd be welcome.
It sounds like your DH and this woman have a relationship which actively excludes you which is a whole different ball game. If I had a friend who deliberately avoided my DH I would have ended that relationship a long time ago I think and so would DH if it were the other way around. Partners don't need to be joined at the hip, but I think a close friendship with someone who isn't at least polite and respectful to my DH would be out of the question for me, and I'd expect him to feel the same. I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset.

OVienna · 30/09/2024 12:10

Could there be something your DH has done which she knows about but he doesn't want you to find out about?

He could have claimed to the friend, yes of course I've told her. But he hasn't.

And the whole thing of her refusing events where you are is untrue and your DH is making it up.

If this 'thing' is to do with a person it could be someone coming to the wedding.

But, for this to have legs we'd need to know how he normally interacts with her - are there ever like messages you also see or is it only your DH engaging?

Namechangetheyarewatching · 30/09/2024 12:10

There is noway my husband would go to this without me and would decline the invite.

Incredibly rude

Apollo365 · 30/09/2024 12:10

soundsys · 30/09/2024 10:20

Sorry I thought it was clear from my first post he does intend to go: that's really my AIBU.

If it was the other way round I'd decline and I'm gobsmacked that he thinks it's not a big deal!

Show quote history

I’m shocked he intends to go.
I was going to say YABU thinking it would be an evening do only.
This is all really weird.
I think it’s time he puts his foot down and let’s her know it’s not ok for you to be treated like this.

Pollymollydolly · 30/09/2024 12:11

All the people who bleat ‘it’s my day, I’ll invite who I want’ really highlight their total lack of manners. When you host an event, any event, the onus is on you as the host to ensure the comfort of your guests. It’s downright rude not to invite partners. At our wedding all partners were invited and anyone who was single got invited with a plus one -many attended alone but that was their choice.

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/09/2024 12:12

@Pollymollydolly , I completely agree with you

SparkyBlue · 30/09/2024 12:16

This is definitely weird behavior OP and I'd be fuming that after being married for over a decade he was dancing to this woman's tune. I honestly don't think I'd be able to get past it.

Viviennemary · 30/09/2024 12:18

It's a poor show and quite rude.

Floppyelf · 30/09/2024 12:18

Taz55 · 30/09/2024 09:00

Why has your oh allowed her to treat you like this?

@Taz55 👏🏾

OVienna · 30/09/2024 12:19

The behaviour is so odd it makes me feel like there is something that the DH could be hiding from both of these women. A situation he's trying to 'manage'.

Def a DH problem.

Tahlbias · 30/09/2024 12:19

I'd be pissed off if he went. My husband wouldn't go if I wasn't invited and I wouldn't if it was the other way around. That's just who we are.

Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2024 12:19

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

Well, it's obvious, innit. She likes your husband, can't abide you and isn't willing to pretend.

Her behaviour is very non-U but doesn't necessarily indicate she fancies your husband. Only you can have an idea though whether it's likely he has been spinning tall tales to her about you.

I would probably not attend in your husband's place, but out of concerns for what the wedding reception would be like for shy me surrounded by partnered up strangers all drunkenly yakking to each other.

Your husband appears not to have similar worries though.

Hatty65 · 30/09/2024 12:19

It's weird and rude.

It's also weird and rude that your DH is intending to go. It's so disrespectful to you that I'd be re-evaluating my marriage. I can't imagine why he thinks it's ok for him to have a starring role in a wedding that his wife of a decade is excluded from.

He's way out of line.