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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Hollietree · 30/09/2024 10:45

Here’s my wedding situation if it helps.

We had a venue that could only hold 90 people, sounds like a lot right? However we both have big families - so after all our families were counted for, add on our 4 closest friends who were 2 bridesmaids/bestman/usher…….. we were left with 8 spaces left each to invite friends. So I had to pick 8 friends - I obviously wasn’t going to pick 4 friends and their husbands, then not invite 4 of my actual friends.

We explained to our reasons to everyone, they were all understanding.

I’m sure it’s something like that. Don’t take it as a major personal snub. She just has a lot of family/friends that she is closer to and wants at her wedding, over her friend’s wife who she isn’t super close to.

OVienna · 30/09/2024 10:45

Starlight7080 · 30/09/2024 10:44

Do you think he has said things about you over the years to make them dislike you? Or blamed you for when he hasn't been able to attend somthing.
Did he just tell you you are not invited or did you see a msg/invite?
Have you asked him why she dislikes you ? Maybe call his bluff and say you will send her a polite msg asking if you have ever done anything to offend her in the past.
See if it makes him tell you anything .

I would do this too. At least sabre-rattle I was about to.

Jessieshome · 30/09/2024 10:46

How does your husband know the bride? Did your husband and the bride used to be romantically or sexually involved? Did you come a long at a time when she was hoping to get together with your husband, did you change the dynamics of their friendship in some way?

Or maybe she just has a dislike to you for no good reason, sometimes we just don't like some people, could be a major political difference, a moral difference, the way you laugh, the way you talk, the colour of your hair. Could literally be anything! Are you a loud show stealing type person?

Why has your husband never really asked the bride why she doesn't include and or like you?

I had a boyfriend once who had a very close female best friend, he admitted they had snogged a week or so before we got together. She always seemed to be off with me, when she always made a great effort with other male friends girlfriends or female friends but not me. When we eventually broke up nearly 2 years later, turns out they had actually slept together not just snogged, she was deeply in love with him and about a week after we broke up they were straight back in to bed with each other (assuming they'd stopped shagging in between! who knows, they were housemates!).

Button28384738 · 30/09/2024 10:47

That's very weird, unless nobody's partner has been invited due to space or budget?!

But it sounds more like she is attracted to your DH and wants him all to herself!

Spinet · 30/09/2024 10:47

Hollietree · 30/09/2024 10:45

Here’s my wedding situation if it helps.

We had a venue that could only hold 90 people, sounds like a lot right? However we both have big families - so after all our families were counted for, add on our 4 closest friends who were 2 bridesmaids/bestman/usher…….. we were left with 8 spaces left each to invite friends. So I had to pick 8 friends - I obviously wasn’t going to pick 4 friends and their husbands, then not invite 4 of my actual friends.

We explained to our reasons to everyone, they were all understanding.

I’m sure it’s something like that. Don’t take it as a major personal snub. She just has a lot of family/friends that she is closer to and wants at her wedding, over her friend’s wife who she isn’t super close to.

Did you exclude the long-term partners of the bridesmaids/ best man/ usher? Because honestly if you did, that's rude and I would expect at the very least an explanation beyond 'I can do what I want'.

Figsonit · 30/09/2024 10:47

If you haven't spent enough time with her for her to dislike you, then your husband has been bad mouthing you to her or has told her he doesn't want to see the two of you together.

OVienna · 30/09/2024 10:47

Alicana · 30/09/2024 10:43

How do you know she isn’t inviting you to things? It could be your husband not wanting you to come and using this as an excuse.

If you don’t speak to her, have barely met her, and all conversations are through your husband it seems very weird that he is relating this to you and continues to see her. I think it sounds like unrequited love on his part not hers and he wants to keep you away from her as she’ll then realise you’re not the monster he has been making you out to be.

I guess this is also possible but hard to say w/o more info.

CinnamonTheCapybara · 30/09/2024 10:48

Ellie56 · 30/09/2024 10:34

@soundsys She is incredibly rude but she's only incredibly rude because your so called "D"H allows her to be.

I think you've got a DH problem here. And why have you put up with being side lined by her (and "D"H) for so long?

Time to re evaluate your relationship I think and put your foot down. Either he refuses to go to the wedding or insists you are invited too.

What is the point of a husband who is not unstintingly loyal to his wife and puts her first every time?

Edited

Yes, this ⬆️ 100%

MadeForThis · 30/09/2024 10:50

What is your relationship like with DH?

Could he bitch to her and she now has an awful opinion of you?

PollyPeachum · 30/09/2024 10:50

Inviting someone to be part of the day; witness, stage management etc then exclude the spouse is as weird as fuck.

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2024 10:50

Oh dear. Rude of the couple.

Troubling that your dh isn't bothered.

IOSTT · 30/09/2024 10:51

He has been asked to arrive the day before and stay over in the hotel - she is planning on sleeping with him, if she hasn’t done so already. (Or he is planning on sleeping with her). Sorry OP. YANBU this situation is ridiculous!

SunnieShine · 30/09/2024 10:52

Really rude but it's on your husband to fix.

Avocadot0ast · 30/09/2024 10:53

You have a husband problem here. My husband wouldn’t accept the invitation without me especially if this friend had been excluding me from other social events. He would find this very very odd.

TheCultureHusks · 30/09/2024 10:53

Honestly this would be a bit of a dealbreaker for me.

Has it actually occurred to him that, more than you, it’s him who’s being insulted and made to look the fool?!

So it’s a wedding of 100 people, guests who know him will presumably be normal 30-40 something couples. All with their spouses or partners like normal grown ups. Except for the lapdog, who’s been told quite rudely that he’s not allowed to have his wife there. No, lap dog is there in his role as Little Adore-Me Boy. He’s not allowed to be on a par with the other guests, many of which she wouldn’t dare to not give the normal plus-1 invite to as they’d quite rightly decline. No. His job will be to serve her for the day, as usual, to pretend he hasn’t got a wife and that he’s some kind of weird eunuch for her. And she’ll enjoy, as usual, making him show in public that he does whatever she asks and is the drone to her Queen Bee.

Does he really not see that dynamic? Does he really not think that the other normal grown-up couples won’t be seeing him summoned there alone and be thinking ‘What a fucking sap. What hold does she have over him? He clearly doesn’t dare to step out of line does he, afraid he’ll get his bottom smacked if he does I suppose! Talk about a toxic so-called friendship. I guess they’ve slept together, or maybe he’s so desperate for that to happen he’ll let her wipe her feet all over him? How embarrassing, to be here like a spare part on his own. Mind you I bet his wife is glad to not have to come and have to sit there with him’

I’ve known a couple of dynamics like this and it’s toe curling. So either your husband is such an absolute sap that he’s completely scared of this ‘friend’ and can’t say - hey have a bit of respect for ME as supposedly your friend, it would be nice if you gave me the same consideration as your other friends’ OR there’s something between them.

Either way he’s going to be the one looking the idiot at the wedding. Whoever heard of the actual witness not having a plus one at a big wedding?

I wouldn’t want to be married to the kind of wet-wipe who has a ‘friendship’ like this and is ok to be made a fool of.

Show him this.

TheCultureHusks · 30/09/2024 10:55

Or - the other possibility that others have covered in full - it’s a lie and he doesn’t want you there.

ultimatum time I think. Proper ultimatum, where you genuinely want to see where his loyalties lie and start pondering how nice it would be to move on from him…

HaleyBrookeandPeyton · 30/09/2024 10:55

I think that she is incredibly rude but more worryingly your husband doesnt. If this was me & DH, he wouldn't be attending as he wouldn't want to go to anywhere where I was being treated so badly. To be honest though, I imagine this has been brewing for a while so he probably would have cooled the friendship as soon as his friend starting not including me.

You have a DH problem here - he doesn't have your back and that would really concern me. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't view us a team for occasions such a this (especially where the guest list is so big!)

HappyHome648 · 30/09/2024 10:56

What has your DH said about the situation? Has he given you an opinion?

Karatema · 30/09/2024 10:57

Exactly what @Ellie56 says.

LBFseBrom · 30/09/2024 10:57

Happygogoat · 30/09/2024 08:59

It’s clear she doesn’t like you, I’d say! Because yes it’s very weird.
what’s your DH going to do? Is he going to tolerate this blatant snub? X

I agree.

It really is most odd, op.

Or is it a very small wedding? Doesn't seem so as your husband is asked to come the night before and help with things.

I'd like to know what your husband says to her, about you and him.

Sandwichgen · 30/09/2024 10:57

She will have husband now. Does she expect them both to see your dh without you in future? will she expect to be invited with him to anything you arrange?

Codlingmoths · 30/09/2024 10:57

Hollietree · 30/09/2024 10:45

Here’s my wedding situation if it helps.

We had a venue that could only hold 90 people, sounds like a lot right? However we both have big families - so after all our families were counted for, add on our 4 closest friends who were 2 bridesmaids/bestman/usher…….. we were left with 8 spaces left each to invite friends. So I had to pick 8 friends - I obviously wasn’t going to pick 4 friends and their husbands, then not invite 4 of my actual friends.

We explained to our reasons to everyone, they were all understanding.

I’m sure it’s something like that. Don’t take it as a major personal snub. She just has a lot of family/friends that she is closer to and wants at her wedding, over her friend’s wife who she isn’t super close to.

This is delusional. It’s a 100% personal snub happening here and even people with numbers limits don’t cut back on the wives and husbands of guests they’ve asked to play a key role unless they are literally only having 2 guests each. (Even then I think hmmm why get married if you don’t care about your BEST friends marriages)

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 30/09/2024 10:58

TheCultureHusks · 30/09/2024 10:53

Honestly this would be a bit of a dealbreaker for me.

Has it actually occurred to him that, more than you, it’s him who’s being insulted and made to look the fool?!

So it’s a wedding of 100 people, guests who know him will presumably be normal 30-40 something couples. All with their spouses or partners like normal grown ups. Except for the lapdog, who’s been told quite rudely that he’s not allowed to have his wife there. No, lap dog is there in his role as Little Adore-Me Boy. He’s not allowed to be on a par with the other guests, many of which she wouldn’t dare to not give the normal plus-1 invite to as they’d quite rightly decline. No. His job will be to serve her for the day, as usual, to pretend he hasn’t got a wife and that he’s some kind of weird eunuch for her. And she’ll enjoy, as usual, making him show in public that he does whatever she asks and is the drone to her Queen Bee.

Does he really not see that dynamic? Does he really not think that the other normal grown-up couples won’t be seeing him summoned there alone and be thinking ‘What a fucking sap. What hold does she have over him? He clearly doesn’t dare to step out of line does he, afraid he’ll get his bottom smacked if he does I suppose! Talk about a toxic so-called friendship. I guess they’ve slept together, or maybe he’s so desperate for that to happen he’ll let her wipe her feet all over him? How embarrassing, to be here like a spare part on his own. Mind you I bet his wife is glad to not have to come and have to sit there with him’

I’ve known a couple of dynamics like this and it’s toe curling. So either your husband is such an absolute sap that he’s completely scared of this ‘friend’ and can’t say - hey have a bit of respect for ME as supposedly your friend, it would be nice if you gave me the same consideration as your other friends’ OR there’s something between them.

Either way he’s going to be the one looking the idiot at the wedding. Whoever heard of the actual witness not having a plus one at a big wedding?

I wouldn’t want to be married to the kind of wet-wipe who has a ‘friendship’ like this and is ok to be made a fool of.

Show him this.

Bit dramatic to think that people are going to be looking at him thinking he's a sap .. they might think his wife is at home with the kids or surprise surprise not give a fuck at all and be more concerned with themselves having a great time.

Married adults can still have friend groups without the spouse being included. You're still an individual, entitled to freedom, even if you're married

Hallamlass · 30/09/2024 10:59

Of course it's a personal snub!

trainboundfornowhere · 30/09/2024 10:59

Definitely very odd OP. I hate the wife of one of my male friends for her complete refusal to allow him to do any activities we used to do as part of a group never just the two of us and how her issues affect their children. I did however invite both of them to my wedding. I also invited the husbands of my former work colleagues as they got all day invitations. Talk to your husband as this is very odd.