Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

I think that if you’ve not spend very much time together, then it’s understandable that you’re not invited.
I think inviting plus ones for the sake of it is a waste of money. You’re not friends so why should you be invited?

I think the truth is somewhere in the mix of @Alicana and @LittleMonks11 posts.

Ultimately, his woman and her husband do not like you for some reason, and your husband knows why that is. He likely agrees with them, hence he's always happy to go off and leave you.

Unless ive missed it, You haven't said he's not attending or is objecting to you not being invited.

So what's he got to say for himself then? Assume you've let him know you're not happy about it and feel disrespected by him more than anything. What's his excuse? Is this disrespectful behaviour the norm?

My view is the husband is behind this, he doesn’t want to socialise with the op .

This ^

@soundsys I sincerely hope your hubby is not going to this "friend's" wedding???? he needs to be loyal to you, not this other person!

Absolutely! This is a classic - 'you have a husband problem'.

Like if he was a work colleague or knew her through a large club only and was only invited to the evening I can kind of see the logic but if he’s a witness and it’s not a tiny wedding….bizzare.

My husband only was invited to the evening part of a members of his sports teams wedding along without me or our daughter along with the other 20 or so people in the club…..can totally see how the bride and groom (who I had never met) didn’t want to pay for an extra 40 or so guests that they had never met (spouses and kids of team) but did want the team members there as they met at the sports club, and as the team went as a team it wasn’t like the guests didn’t know anyone. I wasn’t offended at all. Had my husband been close enough to the couple to be setting up and a witness - well weird

I think it is strange and disrespectful. I would not want to go to a wedding of a friend (who is inviting 100 people) if they didn't consider my husband. I would want to know why your husband wants to go as well.

Very weird - she obviously really dislikes you for some reason...

Can you think of when you last properly spent time together...? Could you have said something that she really took offence to - even if you were oblivious at the time?

I think it's fine to invite all your cousins and not their spouses (one of my cousins did that) or all your work colleagues and not their spouses (I did that) but if your dh is in the wedding party, his spouse should definitely be invited.

Wow!! She really doesn’t like you… and this is ‘her time’ to show this!!

That is really such a rude thing to do, I would be so annoyed by this! What is your DH going to do?
If it were me, I’d be turning the invitation down, I couldn’t allow my other half to be so publicly snubbed.

Very weird. We're not even married and I can't think of an event or occasion with friends or family where they've not invited us both. Some friends and family I met for the first time at weddings. It's really rude when you've been married for so long and they know who you are.
I'd be immensely annoyed with him if it was a female friend doing this, she knows exactly what she's doing. Men can sometimes be a bit thoughtless with this stuff, women aren't.

@soundsys She is incredibly rude but she's only incredibly rude because your so called "D"H allows her to be.

I think you've got a DH problem here. And why have you put up with being side lined by her (and "D"H) for so long?

Time to re evaluate your relationship I think and put your foot down. Either he refuses to go to the wedding or insists you are invited too.

What is the point of a husband who is not unstintingly loyal to his wife and puts her first every time?

I agree that it does sound very strange.

If I were the husband I would only go to the wedding with the OP's agreement.

Can I ask, did your husband know her when you got married and was she invited?

This actually happened to me. Dh was invited to a friend from uni wedding. We had been together a few years at this point but she didn't invite me. She also had previously declined an invite to our wedding.
My dh didn't go though
I concluded she probably fancied him

I would vote for the "your husband is being weird" option if I could.

When I posted earlier, I hadn’t twigged that OP’s husband was definitely planning to attend.

Because he is and because of his long history choosing to socialise with this couple without OP, seemingly against her wishes, I am also wondering whether the husband’s behaviour with this couple is an aberration? Should OP, who sounds very reasonable, be considering where her best chance for true happiness is?

Show your DH this thread and see what he thinks of it?

Actually, I have to agree with this. My father told my mum for years that the dos at his company were for workers only. Some years later one of the wives of his colleagues told her that they weren´t . Spouses always attended and also told her that my father had this other female all over him at these dos and everyone was gobsmacked, as they knew he had a wife and kids. He told them my mum didn´t want to attend. She divorced him. I only learned of this a few months ago, when my mum´s alzheirmers meant she is losing her filters. My dad has been dead since 1990.

Not a chance my husband would go. But then he wouldn’t still be friends with someone who disrespected his wife. And v.v. There are things couples happily do apart but occasions like this you do together. I hope your DH reads all these replies and realises he is in the wrong.

How do you know she isn’t inviting you to things? It could be your husband not wanting you to come and using this as an excuse.

If you don’t speak to her, have barely met her, and all conversations are through your husband it seems very weird that he is relating this to you and continues to see her. I think it sounds like unrequited love on his part not hers and he wants to keep you away from her as she’ll then realise you’re not the monster he has been making you out to be.

Do you think he has said things about you over the years to make them dislike you? Or blamed you for when he hasn't been able to attend somthing.
Did he just tell you you are not invited or did you see a msg/invite?
Have you asked him why she dislikes you ? Maybe call his bluff and say you will send her a polite msg asking if you have ever done anything to offend her in the past.
See if it makes him tell you anything .

No idea. Extremely bizarre situation - I wouldn't have put up with it this long, the whole thing of it. Agree you have a DH problem and I'd be having words about him going. Do you have DCs?

This.

His refusal to have your back would be a relationship deal breaker for me.