Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

It's rude

For the bride NOT to be rude, she could have contacted the OP and explained why no invite

THAT would be respectful towards the OPs relationship

I haven't read the full thread, but I would ask are you sure you are not invited?, have you seen the invite without your name? Maybe the issue is your husband doesn't want you around for some reason.

I don't think the question has been answered still and I think that's because there's an emotional response to this but actually no rational explanation of how this disrespects their marriage.

It might feel rude.
It might go against accepted etiquette.
It might feel like a deliberate shunning of the OP.

But I still can't see where it disrespects the marriage. It's just a nothing term to cover the actual beef which is that it's rude.

Because she is being very disrespectful towards OP by being so blantantly rude.
And she is being disrespectful to her friend (OP's husband) by being extremely rude to his wife. She is not respecting the relationship he has with his wife as she is ignoring social etiquette and deliberately excluding her.

I had this. Husband invited and not me.
Yet a few months earlier we had had our wedding and invited both of them to the entire day which they came to.

But I still can't see where it disrespects the marriage. It's just a nothing term to cover the actual beef which is that it's rude

I think not inviting someone's spouse due to numbers for example, isnt in itself disrespecting the marriage. However, taken in context with what appears to be years of excluding the OP - not inviting her to events, not coming to events she is having, requesting only to see the husband alone IS disrespectful to the relationship. The friend is basically acting like OP doesn't exist when she is literally married to this person's friend and that IS disrespectful to the marriage.

I am not saying spouses need to be invited to everything, they dont, but there is zero acknowledgement here that she even exists which is rude and disrespectful.

@Neenaaneenaa did he go?

Exceptionally poor etiquette not to invite a spouse to your wedding, unless a work / hobby association.

Sorry but you need to give him an ultimatum.

This is not a normal situation of inviting one or the other.

Either you both go or no one goes or he faces consequences.

I don't know how you trust him if this is his behavior.

This! This is exactly it - case closed. I'd be really upset if my husband wasn't supporting me being continuiously snubbed. Its shockingly shit behaviour from the bride. The "her wedding, her rules" just doesn't cut it IMO, especially if there is no explanation from her or the OP's husband. It's just rude and nasty without the WHY.

For context, we've been invited to another wedding a few weeks later which is an old friend of mine. She's met my husband 2 or 3 times and her husband to be has never met him, but he's still invited because I'm her friend and he's my husband!

I think your husband sorry to say is more than just friends sorry that was my instinct when I read your post. The fact she only wants to do stuff with him is bloody strange it’s not just the wedding is it you said it’s other times to. Also the fact that he is going without you not got your back ad you only have his word that he said he said something to her nah sorry something feels off. Like you say people get invited as a couple

Agree with other posters, this is a DH problem really.

You've been married for 10 years and yet despite living in the same city and him being close enough friendwise that she wants your husband as a witness to her wedding she basically refuses to be in the same room as you and has snubbed you all that time.

You may be an intensely annoying person who laughs like a hyena. Whatever. Sadly your husband hasn't put his foot down that you two come as a package.

But actually the refusal to acknowledge the spouse of your best friend seems unhinged unless say you're a rapist or a wife-beater (a couple of PPs mentioned they took instant dislike to friend's spouses who turned out to be criminals). Weddings are big events, if you do laugh like a hyena she doesn't have to sit next to you all evening as you would in a restaurant. So to me, personally, assuming you're not actually a serial killer, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she wants your husband for herself and as far as she's concerned he's her 'one that got away'. Hence the need for him to stay in her hotel like one of the bridesmaids, when you already live in the same city.

Whatever the reason, your husband sounds spineless and so willing to avoid confrontation with a friend that he has provoked it from his wife (probably because as a wife its harder for you to dump him). Best case scenario, he's clueless, thinks her spitefulness towards you is just her being misunderstood, she makes a move on him the night before in the hotel and he finally comes to his senses and starts putting boundaries in place.

I went to a wedding where the bride and groom didn’t invite everyone’s partners. They only had limited number (like everyone) and because they didn’t know them/never met some of the partners they would have had to invite less of their actual friends to invite these ‘plus ones’. In addition a few of the groom’s mates’ wives had been consistently mean to the bride over the years (she would often be isolated in social situations where she left upset, or sometimes not invited at all!) and neither the bride nor the groom actually liked them for this so those wives weren’t invited either, which IMO was complete understandable.

I can see why for some weddings the partners would not be invited, but having been married for 10 years and her not making effort to invite you to things prior to the wedding I would suggest that for some reason the bride does not like you. If I was in your shoes I’d be having a word with my husband about his loyalties here. Especially if you have done nothing wrong.

The last part here is important to consider. What on earth has he been saying all these years to make this behaviour okay? Why has he not said or done anything before?

Could they be having an affair ??
how’s his relationship with her husband to be?

I haven't read the whole thread because it's huge lol but I have read all the OP's posts.

This would 100% be a deal breaker for me. In fact I can imagine my husband sprouting wings and flying before he would do this to me. It's not just a wedding or a social occasion that he's been invited to without you. This is a massive "fuck you. Your feelings don't matter"

There is almost certainly more to this than meets the eye and unless he came clean and told me what it is, I would be telling my husband to go to the wedding if it's that important but not to bother coming home.

A wedding is a public and formal occasion for a couple to have their relationship acknowledged by others, it is saying 'come along and witness us make a commitment to each other'. It has a significance beyond a birthday (or any other sort of party) because there are legal and financial issues tied to it – usually, though by no means always, to the benefit of women.

By not inviting the spouse of a very close friend, what you are saying is, in effect, 'our marriage is very important but your marriage isn't and we don't feel obliged to recognise it'. This is hypocritical, and disrespectful to the other couple and particularly to the OP (as she is the one not invited).

Either you respect marriage as a thing, or you don't. Both these stances are fine. What is not fine is demanding that your marriage is respected but other people's are not.

They have deffo smashed

By not inviting the spouse of a very close friend, what you are saying is, in effect, 'our marriage is very important but your marriage isn't and we don't feel obliged to recognise it'. This is hypocritical, and disrespectful to the other couple and particularly to the OP (as she is the one not invited).
Either you respect marriage as a thing, or you don't. Both these stances are fine. What is not fine is demanding that your marriage is respected but other people's are not

Yeah this is my stance too. If marriage is important enough to you that you want everyone to witness it and celebrate it with you (help you prepare and give you gifts etc) then why isnt the OP's marriage important too? It's like saying well our marriage is important and we want to celebrate our love but sod your wife, she aint coming.

Its just.......weird.

Definitely weird, why is he even considering going without you?

This is really not ok. I’d be fuming if my husband accepted the invitation. Under no circumstances would I put up with that friend being so rude to me. He’s being extremely disrespectful towards you. You need to show him this thread and get to the bottom of it as there’s more here than meets the eye.

The Bride sounds like a cow. While she’s correct she can invite whoever she wants. It’s also true that people can decline if she’s being unreasonable. Which she is.

It sounds like your husband is the issue though. In my marriage this would be a politely declined invitation. No conversation with the couple whatsoever about why.

It’s difficult to put in boundaries after the fact, but the reality is if your husband accepts this invitation and leaves you behind, he’s disrespecting you and your marriage. That isn’t on Bridezilla that’s on him.

You’re going to have to be the bigger person and let it play out. It’s best to make your feelings known and not make demands or ultimatums at this stage. See what he does, because that’s who he is and that’s what he thinks of you.

Decide how you proceed after the fact, whatever you do, book a holiday and draw up boundaries on how you expect people to treat you.

big hugs x

A) how do you know the OP didn't do/say something unpleasant? She's refused to answer any questions about what their first meeting was like.
B) obviously my example was extreme and no I don't think the OP will end up in prison for some horrible crime it was clearly an example of how to don't have to know someone for very long to not like them!
But like I said everyone would be defending him saying I had no right to not like someone after 10 minutes!

Incidentally there's another post on her "my husband isn't invited to my friends wedding" where they've been married for 15 years and actually socialise with the couple and everyone is saying that she'd be rude to decline the invite and should go and have a fun evening without her husband!

The Bride sounds like a cow. While she’s correct she can invite whoever she wants. It’s also true that people can decline if she’s being unreasonable. Which she is
It sounds like your husband is the issue though. In my marriage this would be a politely declined invitation. No conversation with the couple whatsoever about why

Agreed. She can do whatever she likes. We all can.

Doesnt mean our friends will just meekly put up with shitty treatment though! I wonder what will happen if they end up having children- will she want to see the kids but demand the OP stays at home?

Horrible behaviour.