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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
SillyBear1 · 02/10/2024 21:07

Not something I agree with when it’s an event to celebrate someone’s love and union and they show no regard to yours but also appreciate it can depend on the circumstances e.g. wedding size or the money they have to spend. I also wouldn’t invite someone’s early relationship I didn’t know but long standing, committed relationships I would.

DH was invited to a friend’s wedding last year. Groom (the friend of DH) and I had always got on well and socialised together.
The formal invite was posted to our home, only inviting him and I was invited to the evening as an afterthought. DH declined the day invite and said he’d just come to the evening with me instead.

bitsalty · 02/10/2024 21:32

@Fleamaker because from the OP it seems fairly obvious she's not invited.

She barely knows the bride and you're suggesting she calls her to ask if her husband might be lying about it. Weird!

Fleamaker · 02/10/2024 22:20

How do you know she's definitely not been invited?
OP wouldn't be asking if her husband was lying? Just to clarify who is invited if there's no paper invite. Nothing weird about that.

Arjee · 02/10/2024 23:51

It seems obvious to me that his female friend does not like you.

What you and your partner do about that is up to both of you.

If it were me, I would consider a few things.

  1. Do you like her?
  2. Does it feel like he is putting her needs over politeness to you? (this would be a big no from me, if my partner did)
  3. Does your partner know why she is being this way with you?

I have a very long term friend. I have not liked many of his female partners.

You know what I do? I am polite to them.

It’s not up to me to approve who he goes out with, and lives with.

The same for your partner’s friend.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/10/2024 05:12

Owly11 · 02/10/2024 15:56

Could you answer whether you have actually seen the wedding invite? It's a key piece of information as to whether your DH is being truthful or not about you not being invited. Sometimes controlling men try to exclude their partners from work events, social events and so on to build up his own network of friends and supporters and to isolate their partner. It allows them to keep control of the narrative and potentially builds up bad feeling from others towards the partner ("she didn't even come to my wedding, the snooty cow"). In this case it does sound as if your DH wants to keep this woman all to himself, but it would be good to know for sure whether it's her excluding you or him.

That’s a good question. @soundsys you also mentioned that this friend never attended social gatherings that you and your husband were hosting. Are you sure that he even invited her?

Umidontknow · 03/10/2024 05:56

Is the hotel where he is staying the venue? I'm not going to lie it does sound like there is something going on between them or at the very least she hopes there is.

Noodles1234 · 03/10/2024 06:00

Yanbu
thats odd and a bit off.
totally their wedding and they can invite who they like, but then have to accept if people decline and become offended.

bakewelltarty · 03/10/2024 06:34

Could it be that she has not invited you upon his request?

There's something more going on here

maddening · 03/10/2024 06:41

Have you asked him what her problem is with you?

Devilsadvocat · 03/10/2024 06:46

Are you sure she is not inviting you or he might have said you dont go to weddings. Why is he staying in a hotel? Is he seeing somone else and using the bride as an excuse. You dont talk to her so you have only his word on it and any man worth his salt would not have his wife treated like this unless its his idea in the first place. I think its a ducks in a row scenario to be honest sorry OP.

pestowithwalnuts · 03/10/2024 06:57

I do hope you get it all sorted out OP.
The one thing I'm curious about is you dh is requested ..'' to help set up '
Set up what ? Are they not very organised. ? Will he be folding napkins..arranging canapes...setting out the folding chairs..?

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:08

Taz55 · 30/09/2024 09:00

Why has your oh allowed her to treat you like this?

Treated her like what? She clearly doesn't like her for whatever reason. And I don't think it's that she fancies the DH.
Humans are allowed to like and dislike whoever they want. Just because that person you dislike is married to your best friend it doesn't mean you suddenly have to invite them everywhere! And I certainly wouldn't invite someone I don't like to my wedding just because they're married to someone I do like.
Life is too short to spend it with people you don't get along with.

Avidreader12 · 03/10/2024 07:10

I would be hurt if my husband went in these circumstances he should be declining the invite who wants to be invited to a wedding to help set up like staff your a guest.. It shows zero respect for you as a couple and she sounds awful.

YerArseInParsley · 03/10/2024 07:12

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

You are never invited but your husband still goes? I'd be having words with him!

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:15

soundsys · 30/09/2024 09:25

Well this is the thing, I genuinely haven't spent enough time with her for her to dislike me based on something that I've said or done!

Show quote history

If you've met even for just 5 minutes there's enough time for you to do/say something to make her dislike you!

YerArseInParsley · 03/10/2024 07:17

AD1509 · 30/09/2024 09:00

I would say depends on the size of the wedding.

It clearly has nothing to do with the size of the wedding when the bride declines all invites the poster sends her. She clearly doesn't like her for whatever reason.

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:19

soundsys · 02/10/2024 10:50

I've never been at a wedding with the couple who are getting married but no, no history of causing trouble!

As others say, the issue is with my husband.

To those saying we haven't socialised much in the past so why would I be invited, I think a wedding is a bit different than just going to the pub. It's weird to celebrate your wedding my disrespecting other people's marriages!

For context, we've been invited to another wedding a few weeks later which is an old friend of mine. She's met my husband 2 or 3 times and her husband to be has never met him, but he's still invited because I'm her friend and he's my husband!

Show quote history

Honestly would you really want to celebrate your wedding with someone you don't know? It's really weird to invite someone to your wedding that you don't know just because they're married to someone you know!

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:22

YerArseInParsley · 03/10/2024 07:12

You are never invited but your husband still goes? I'd be having words with him!

Show quote history

Why would you be having words - she's an adult she's allowed to be friends with whoever she likes clearly OP is ignorant to the fact that she's upset her in the past.
I think the declining of invites when OP is organising something shows that.
I also think it's really weird that on MN as soon as you're coupled up you have to instantly become friends with all your partners friends and invite them both to everything!

Omgblueskys · 03/10/2024 07:24

Avidreader12 · 03/10/2024 07:10

I would be hurt if my husband went in these circumstances he should be declining the invite who wants to be invited to a wedding to help set up like staff your a guest.. It shows zero respect for you as a couple and she sounds awful.

What doesn't sit well is 1/ invite h only that's rude and why?
2/ the staying over night in hotel night before, normally bride and maids would stay and venue would be setting up, so why does bride to be want him there night before, could op say, hay we can make a night of it together in hotel I can go shopping have lunch while you attend wedding then we can go home together, see how h reacts to that, because really his friend has said, I can invite who I want to ky wedding yes, she can blood so rude,,but surely she hasn't a say who he brings to the hotel with him, this is just me but I would make it really difficult just to get a reaction, do smiley face nice and calm, that you'll enjoy a bit of shopping while he is at wedding,

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:28

Avidreader12 · 03/10/2024 07:10

I would be hurt if my husband went in these circumstances he should be declining the invite who wants to be invited to a wedding to help set up like staff your a guest.. It shows zero respect for you as a couple and she sounds awful.

Why is it disrespectful to the relationship? She clearly doesn't like the OP, when you get married you hope that it'll be the only time in your life you do that so why would you want to spend it with someone who has clearly done something to upset you in the past just because they're married to someone that you do like and get along with?
And the wedding party helping set up is a very ordinary thing at weddings especially since covid, setting out seating attaching flowers etc.

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:31

Omgblueskys · 03/10/2024 07:24

What doesn't sit well is 1/ invite h only that's rude and why?
2/ the staying over night in hotel night before, normally bride and maids would stay and venue would be setting up, so why does bride to be want him there night before, could op say, hay we can make a night of it together in hotel I can go shopping have lunch while you attend wedding then we can go home together, see how h reacts to that, because really his friend has said, I can invite who I want to ky wedding yes, she can blood so rude,,but surely she hasn't a say who he brings to the hotel with him, this is just me but I would make it really difficult just to get a reaction, do smiley face nice and calm, that you'll enjoy a bit of shopping while he is at wedding,

Show quote history

Most venues since covid don't do the setting up that's down to the wedding party to do the night before!
I've been to 8 post-covid weddings the venues haven't set up any of them.

Figleafpants · 03/10/2024 07:40

CosyLemur · 03/10/2024 07:28

Why is it disrespectful to the relationship? She clearly doesn't like the OP, when you get married you hope that it'll be the only time in your life you do that so why would you want to spend it with someone who has clearly done something to upset you in the past just because they're married to someone that you do like and get along with?
And the wedding party helping set up is a very ordinary thing at weddings especially since covid, setting out seating attaching flowers etc.

Show quote history

OP hasn't done anything to "upset" her though- thats the entire point. She was frosty with her from the start and only wanted to meet her DH alone. Do you really think thats a normal reaction to your friend's spouse?!

She said: Well this is the thing, I genuinely haven't spent enough time with her for her to dislike me based on something that I've said or done!

Pollyminx · 03/10/2024 07:42

I think a few things have relevance here, maybe I’ve missed it but how long has he been friends with this woman, how are they friends (work, school/uni, club, etc) and when she and her partner come to your events how does she seem with you?

what surprises me more is it’s got to this stage without you asking DH what her issue with you is?

is she his only female friend?

Ellen1990 · 03/10/2024 07:51

See I get this but it’s the back story that makes it sound as though they’ve never met

Avidreader12 · 03/10/2024 07:56

It is werid even if op husband has to help set up this doesn’t mean he has to stay over the night before. Presumably the bride and groom plus their family might be setting up the venue so why the need for a stay over in a hotel if you live in the same area within reasonably travel distance. There’s 100 guests yet the bride has purposefully missed off her witnesses wife, she declines all invites from OP so everything about this does not sound normal at all.

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