Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

She's spent time with her which means she's spent enough time with her for her to do or say something that the bride didn't like.
There's no such thing as "not enough time to dislike someone" unless you've never met!
I took an instant dislike to my friends boyfriend after only meeting him for 10 minutes, I refused to invite him to my wedding - he's now in prison for raping my friend's 5 year old!

But if he'd come on Mumsnet complaining you'd all be saying I don't know him long enough not to like him and I was rude not to invite him.

Does she have good female friends?

She doesn't like you. For whatever reason.

What's your marriage like? Is it possible your husband has been feeding her stories about you? Is it possible they spoke of the invitation before and he suggested that he'd go alone because you don't want to go? He doesn't want you to go?

It's easy to blame her but I think I'd be looking to him. It's very strange for a male and female to be such close friends that the male is picked to be a witness, above any and all of her other friends or family, and that his wife is completely excluded.

Something very fishy going on. Whether it's coming from him or her, who knows?

YANBU

If you and dh had only been together a very short time I could understand this. But as it is, I'd be fuming if my husband went along with this 🤷🏽‍♀️

Humans are allowed to like and dislike whoever they want. Just because that person you dislike is married to your best friend it doesn't mean you suddenly have to invite them everywhere! And I certainly wouldn't invite someone I don't like to my wedding just because they're married to someone I do like.
Life is too short to spend it with people you don't get along with.

All true ^

The OP has told her DH that she feels badly about it all and he appears to be disregarding OPs feelings and going to the wedding anyway

That's his choice

The OPs choice is what to do about DH disregarding her feelings

I had a similar (ish) situation about 15 years ago. I wasn't invited, he went anyway. I ended the relationship 4 months later

His disregard for my feelings kind of highlighted other crappy things and I decided he wasn't worth it any more

Could it be your husband? Maybe they asked will they invite you and he has said, no I’d rather go with the group of friends 😬
is there a group of friends going without partners? Or don’t have partners.
Either this or I think he has possibly been moaning about you to his friend.

Her behaviour to date shows loud and clear that she doesn't like you, so it should come as no surprise that she isn't inviting you to the wedding.
Yes it's her wedding, her choice. But by not inviting you, she's really telling your DH that he's made a poor choice of partner, which is hugely insulting to both of you.
If he attends, he's condoning her behaviour and that would speak volumes about him. He should have your back at all times, including now.

I honestly don't understand how this invitation disrespects the OP's relationship. Why is a wedding different to a birthday party or whatever. The OP is never included so why would this be different? Why would she even want to go to an event where she barely knows anyone but her husband. How awkward.

It's really silly to see this as fundamental to whether their marriage is respected by others.

There's definitely something up here but the most likely explanation is the bride for some reason, doesn't like the OP.

Has the husband been moaning about her to his friend?
Has there been an encounter the OP doesn't recall?

Of course there are other possibilities but I wouldn't be jumping to 'the husband and the bride are having an affair'.
Maybe he just likes time with that group of mates without his wife. Maybe they don't gel or something.

I completely disagree- unless the OP did something really unpleasant it's rude to behave the way she has.

Your example is ridiculous too- the OP presumably hasn't been to prison for rape. Good grief. So now she's likely to commit a horrific crime? Perhaps it's the friend who isnt very pleasant here. Thats just as possible.

Yeah this.
He probably wants to party with his mates without needing to look out for the OP all night.
Or he's been moaning.
My friend will moan and moan about her partners, tell us awful things they've done and then somehow be surprised we aren't delighted when they sort things out and make up.

You’re right, you have a DH problem. Besides the “it’s my wedding and I’ll invite who I want” what does he say is the actual reason why his “friend” is disrespecting your marriage? I don’t understand why he thinks it’s appropriate. He should be feeling uncomfortable and asking the question.

This is so weird. She's not making a judgment on their marriage, she's deciding who comes to her wedding. I assume this is in agreement with her fiancé who likely also doesn't know the OP so doesn't want to spend 100 quid and give a space up that could be given to someone they actually do know and have a relationship with.

Of course your husband should refuse to go. It's a no-brainer.

We had a similar-ish issue a few years ago. DH had been asked to be best man at a time when the couple were fully aware I was pregnant and that the baby was due about 6 weeks before the wedding. When DH mentioned that we were thinking of getting a room in the hotel so I could take the baby out if he was noisy or needed a feed, it turned out that the bride had assumed I would leave the breastfed baby behind, We said sorry, that just wouldn't be possible, but we would do everything to make sure he didn't interrupt the ceremony or anything, but bride and her mother said an absolute no. DH said that , as they were withdrawing my invitation, he had to assume his was withdrawn as well, and bowed out as best man. It never occurred to him to do anything else.

This happened to me. Husbands friend was best man, his girlfriend didn't like me and was overheard being very bitchy about me at the wedding by my SIL.

When they got married we weren't invited. Friends father actually came to our house and apologised for her behaviour.

We never found out why she didn't like me to this day. Apparently their marriage has been toxic with her alienating him from all his friends.

I'd leave him at home for your friend's wedding after the way he's treated you over his friend's wedding......

I’ve been in a similar position, my friend didn’t invite my long term partner as was so tight for numbers. If they invited him they would’ve had to leave an another close friend out, they messaged me and knew it was weird. I understood as my partner wasn’t friends with them but it still hurt and felt weird. The difference is he was invited to the night time thing.

If I were you I would make it clear how problematic this situation is to your DH. I think it's absolutely unacceptable for you not to be invited. The bride is being extremely rude saying she can invite whoever she wants. In theory, yes. In practice, you need to have basic respect to couples and their relationships.

Also, if I'm in the opposite situation where someone only invites me, but no my husband, I will be quite hurt. I like sharing these events with him so I won't feel whole and I will struggle to go.

I hope he decides not to go, otherwise that will leave quite a nasty aftertaste in terms of loyalty and love.

Please can someone tell me how this disrespects the OP's relationship? People keep saying this but not defining why.

There is absolutely no way my DP would accept an invite in these circumstances. If your husband is close enough to her to be asked to be a witness at a large wedding, it’s very strange that she’s pointedly excluding you. By also agreeing to stay over and help out, so not just a basic invite, your husband is prioritising this woman over you. Totally unacceptable. I agree with others that you have a serious issue with your DP here.

This is exactly what came to my mind . There is someone in that friendship group he's into and wants to be available on that day as a single man ... the bride is probably aware of this and that person is probably a friend of the brides .

People have whole different personas in groups outside of their relationships... it's fascinating to watch how so many people are micro cheating in these groups : work, hobby etc

It is social etiquette/good manners to invite someone's spouse to a wedding. Especially when it's a close friend's spouse ( ie not a group of work colleagues attending the wedding as a gang or something).

The bride not doing so in this case is very pointed.

@Slidesclipsandbobbins I'm not asking about etiquette. I know that and I still disagree.

I'm asking how it disrespects the relationship.

Agree, totally weird (and shitty!)

Your husband's lack if concern is concerning, and surely a symptom of a deeper problem? How are things in general?

To those saying we haven't socialised much in the past so why would I be invited, I think a wedding is a bit different than just going to the pub. It's weird to celebrate your wedding my disrespecting other people's marriages!

I do support you OP and I think something very strange is going on but I do disagree with this. Weddings are stressful to plan and really expensive. The day also goes so fast that you barely have time to talk to everyone, and the time you do spend you want to spend with your nearest and dearest, which the bride to be had made clear prior to all this that you’re not. When I got married I couldn’t afford plus ones, but that wasn’t the only reason for not inviting them. I didn’t want to be looking at my guests when I got married and seeing people there who I didn’t know on a special day of mine and my husbands life. I didn’t want seats being taken by more or less strangers which could have been taken by friends. I didn’t think that my friends and their partners relationships wasn’t important, I just didn’t want to spend my only wedding day with them making small talk. If the bride doesn’t like you for whatever reason then I think it’s reasonable that she wouldn’t have you at her wedding and would rather give that seat to someone else.

The situation that you are in which has gone on for a long time prior to this wedding sounds awful. I think when you discuss this with your husband (or her even) what you need to be raising is why have you been frozen out for years and why isn’t your husband sticking up for you, as that’s the root cause - the wedding is just a symptom of that and h reason it’s all blown up

It's common practice to invite the partner of a close friend to your wedding

It feels weird not to, to me

However there is no law that says you have to!

For me, DH appears to be disregarding the OPs feelings

THAT is definitely disrespectful imo