Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

I think you'll know from the gift he gives her what the status of the relationship is

YANBU even if there’s nothing going on between the pair of them (there definitely is though) it’s fucking rude AF.

The fact that your DH is prepared to be a witness for someone who snubs his wife? Nah, it would be a divorce level ultimatum for me.

YABU - she clearly doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be your friend, therefore it’s reasonable that you wouldn’t be invited to her wedding.

what is unreasonable is her not wanting to be friends with her close friends wife - especially as she wants her fiancé and your DH to be friends/ socialise. It’s a bit hypocritical of her. unless you have done something to offend her or have been mean to her, but if she values her friendship with your DH she should talk that through with him and try and find a solution which isn’t just freezing you out. It’s a weird one!

make sure you do something fun for you on the day of the wedding - get a beauty treatment, have a nice lunch out or see friends. Spend what you would have spent on a gift on yourself!

YABU

I think it's ok not to invite someone you don't have a relationship with.

I can understand having a problem with your husband for maintaining a friendship in the way he does.

Yes very weird. He is obviously going to have to tell a little white lie (or not)and politely decline the invitation. Sorry to say bride has zero class about her. Married couples are a pair. You invite both.

Sorry I mean the wedding is on our city so there's no need for him to stay in a hotel, he could easily get there on the day of the wedding!

That's set my lying bastard klaxon off !

YANBU. Invite her new DH without her to social events you host. Things will quickly change.

Your DH doesn’t respect you though. Massive red flags.

She’s obviously jealous of you, pathetic

I think your husband needs to have more respect for you and tell his ‘friend’ that if she’s going to be rude to you then it will affect their friendship. Seems like she is more of a priority than you.

i would be highly concerned about her wanting him to go stay alone in the hotel the night before, surely she would be with her mum or bridesmaids? And her hubby to be is unlikely to be with her so why’s it so important she has your husband there? It’s just inappropriate.

Dont let him gaslight you into feeling unreasonable.

Well it seems an odd way to celebrate the coming together of two people by excluding the spouse/partner of one of your guests. Invite fewer couples if the guest list is too big. It's absolutely ridiculous not to invite partners.

This is beyond weird!
No way I would attend this wedding without my husband, to be a witness and all!
Neither ever see this couple out of work ever again.

I'm with all the people who are curious about your DH. In what universe is he thinking it's ok for him to be relatively closely involved in some other woman's wedding and you are very deliberately not invited at all?

I think it's fine not to invite partners if you don't know them/they haven't been together very long/it's a small wedding but two out of three don't apply here. The only reason the bride doesn't know the OP is because she has avoided opportunities to meet her, over many years, while maintaining a very close friendship with the husband.

She’s jealous of you and wishes she was married to your OH. Silly sad woman.

My cousin has a wedding where he didn't invite the fiancé/fiancée of my brother and I because we weren't in long term relationships... He'd had an invite to my wedding which was in about two months. My brother's wasn't much further away either. Of course everyone else thought it was weird and kept asking where they were. Meanwhile another cousin enjoyed having her boyfriend of a few months there.

She clearly doesn't like you. I wouldn't be bothered if DH went to the wedding alone in your case but I'd prefer it if he said "No, we're a team, we either both go or none of us do." I think mine would be questioning the friendship tbh.

She’s rude and your husband is an arse for enabling her. He should decline the invite and any future ones on the grounds its disrespectful to allow his wife to be treated this way.

This is too much for me. I would be stealing his log ins and then using the time he’s away at the wedding to log into his messages. I would go back as far as I could and read the messages of all of his friends in that group and see what he had to say about me. I bet he’s a stinker.

If your husband goes to the wedding id be pretty angry!

This is all very strange. How long have you been married?
what are you going to do?

Does your husband have an opinion on this?

@soundsys - have you decided what to do?

Well it somewhat depends on whether my DH goes to the wedding or not! I've made my view quite clear to him.

If your husband does go to the wedding, what will you do? Will you be there when he gets back?

I know lots of people are saying you should leave if he goes, but I think that’s a bit hasty. ( even though it’s bad he allows this disrespect)

firstly, it’s obviously been going on for years and you haven’t really complained by the looks of it. Making demands now are going to mean he has to make an awkward and public decision by saying he can’t make it. To give him benefit of the doubt, he may just be avoiding confrontation by going along with this.

i agree that long term this can’t go on, but think you will need him time to see sense and to realise how disrespectful this ‘friend’s’ behaviour is towards him and you.

id also tell him that if he goes to the wedding that he can’t go to any event he invites him to unless you are also invited. He doesn’t even have to make any announcement to the friend- just politely decline any invitation that isn’t to both of you. She’ll soon get the message.

Have you seen the wedding invitation?