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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
August1980 · 01/10/2024 19:00

It’s obvious she doesn’t like your company or consider you a friend. Thats ok. Her friendship is with him and not you. It’s is what it is.

gannett · 01/10/2024 19:00

Copperoliverbear · 01/10/2024 00:32

I think she is extremely bad mannered and that she fancies your husband and has finally decided to get married seeing as she has had no luck in trying to tempt him to get with her.
But she still seems very annoyed that she didn't get what she wanted.

Why do people automatically assume that the issue is sexual jealousy? There's nothing to indicate that (this woman is getting married to someone else for starters). And there are many, many reasons she might have taken a dislike to the OP.

Political differences/moral values is more likely imo. I can imagine not giving a friend's new partner much of a chance, and probably not being interested in getting to know them, if they revealed themselves to be a right-wing bigot. And I definitely wouldn't invite them to my wedding where they might cause offence to my other friends. And maybe right-wing bigots would feel the same way about a hardcore lefty like me.

rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2024 19:06

Why on earth hasn't your DH addressed this problem with his friend before now if she avoids your invites and doesn't invite you to anything? I'd say at the very least, they have history. I'd worry that there's more to their friendship right now too. I'm not sure I'd be able to accept the fact that he hasn't got your back to be honest.

ArrowOfAthena · 01/10/2024 19:06

MustWeDoThis · 01/10/2024 17:52

  1. He's gaslighting you

  2. He and she have no respect for you

  3. They are having an affair and this is the last dirty fling before the big day.

  4. Are other wives invited? If so, ask why you are the exception.

  5. Ask the jealous B*tch why you ate not invited and you want the truth.

  6. Tell your husband if he goes to this wedding he will not have a wife, or a home to come back to. If he can do this to you; what else will he do in the future?

  7. Please don't enable him to do this to you, or allow him to get away without consequence.

  8. Tell him it's her, or you.

  9. When he leaves - Change the locks and throw his sh*t out in the garden for everyone to see. Then tell everyone he was emotionally cheating on you.

Show quote history

😂

user5883920 · 01/10/2024 19:10

Why do people automatically assume that the issue is sexual jealousy? There's nothing to indicate that (this woman is getting married to someone else for starters). And there are many, many reasons she might have taken a dislike to the OP.

So, people shouldn't assume the friend is jealous because thats a baseless assumption. But it's fine to assume OP is a militant right wing bigot (despite there being no evidence of this either?)

😂

Flumpi · 01/10/2024 19:18

To be fair, my DH has a few friends that are just annoying as fuck and I usually find an excuse to avoid them if I can. Likewise I have one friend DH doesn’t like and will make other plans if I am going to see her. It’s not personal just not the sort of people that click well. I don’t think it’s unusual to be in a couple but have friends you don’t see together.

They did all come to our wedding though

Calliopespa · 01/10/2024 19:19

Notimeforaname · 01/10/2024 18:56

I would kick off and create merry hell if this was me and my DH wouldn’t be going. We are either both invited or not at all. Something smells off with this.

How would you stop your husband from going, without being abusive?

It’s not abusive to tell him this dynamic doesn’t work for her.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2024 19:21

Flumpi · 01/10/2024 19:18

To be fair, my DH has a few friends that are just annoying as fuck and I usually find an excuse to avoid them if I can. Likewise I have one friend DH doesn’t like and will make other plans if I am going to see her. It’s not personal just not the sort of people that click well. I don’t think it’s unusual to be in a couple but have friends you don’t see together.

They did all come to our wedding though

And that last line says it all.

They came to your wedding because at the end of the day simply finding people annoying is not sufficient reason to be rude around the invitations . There’s something much fishier than just not liking op …

Danielle9891 · 01/10/2024 19:29

Sounds like he must constantly complain about you to her or she fancies him. It's weird. My partner wouldn't go if I wasn't invited. Especially if it's a night away.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/10/2024 19:30

I have a feeling this woman wouldn’t invite anyone married to your DH. I don’t even think it’s that personal.
I think it’s really, really strange behaviour from both of them.
How does the bridegroom feel because like it or not men can be territorial and surely he’s noticed it’s strange?
I know lots of things have changed for the better now but I’m trying to imagine my lovely dad telling my mum that he was going to a wedding without her.
Now that would have made for an interesting conversation!
And other guests are bound to ask where you are, even if not by name, but as a general social nicety.

Gremlins101 · 01/10/2024 19:33

Yanbu! That's rotten behaviour! And hurtful... I'm sorry OP

Reugny · 01/10/2024 19:34

Artymax · 01/10/2024 17:57

What's he gonna say when someone asks 'where's your wife?' how embarrassing if he says she was not invited! Is he going to take another friend or relative as wedding invites are normally for 2 people.

Not necessarily.

She may have an odd number of family members so he and others she has invited on their own even up the numbers.

Fancypopop · 01/10/2024 19:34

I have a feeling this woman wouldn’t invite anyone married to your DH. I don’t even think it’s that personal

I agree with this too. The fact she has refused to even meet you previously is further evidence of this. It’s not you, it’s her.

olympicsrock · 01/10/2024 19:36

Taz55 · 30/09/2024 09:00

Why has your oh allowed her to treat you like this?

This

YANBU!

Reugny · 01/10/2024 19:40

user5883920 · 01/10/2024 19:10

Why do people automatically assume that the issue is sexual jealousy? There's nothing to indicate that (this woman is getting married to someone else for starters). And there are many, many reasons she might have taken a dislike to the OP.

So, people shouldn't assume the friend is jealous because thats a baseless assumption. But it's fine to assume OP is a militant right wing bigot (despite there being no evidence of this either?)

😂

The OP may be a left wing bigot or lots of other things.

Who knows?

It is more likely the bride knows nothing about wedding etiquette in the country, and the groom does not care/wants an easy life.

This thread has just reminded me of another friend who was formally invited to a wedding and single at the time but not allowed to bring anyone else in case he brought me or another friend who the bride was jealous off/disliked because we had ideas of what she was up to. Unfortunately the guy then stopped contacting my friend as he started quietly questioning the guys choices.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2024 19:42

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/10/2024 19:30

I have a feeling this woman wouldn’t invite anyone married to your DH. I don’t even think it’s that personal.
I think it’s really, really strange behaviour from both of them.
How does the bridegroom feel because like it or not men can be territorial and surely he’s noticed it’s strange?
I know lots of things have changed for the better now but I’m trying to imagine my lovely dad telling my mum that he was going to a wedding without her.
Now that would have made for an interesting conversation!
And other guests are bound to ask where you are, even if not by name, but as a general social nicety.

If you want to fight fire with fire op, this post contains the answer: contact the groom and ask what’s up.

ChanelBoucle · 01/10/2024 19:44

Happened to me, it was one of dh’s male friends. Dh turned the invitation down.

user5883920 · 01/10/2024 19:44

The OP may be a left wing bigot or lots of other things

The friend hasn't met her or interacted with her enough to even know that- she literally said she wont meet her at all and refuses to come to her house or allow her to come to hers. She only ever wants to meet the husband alone.

So, unless her husband has told his friend OP is a monster of epic proportions (in which case- why?) there is something fishy going on here and its far more likely to be an issue to do with the friend than the OP.

Madrigal12 · 01/10/2024 19:45

lololulu · 30/09/2024 09:06

She fancies your husband and is jealous of you.

Or he's lied and made you out to be awful.

Sums it up - either way he's not stood up for you.

Reugny · 01/10/2024 19:48

user5883920 · 01/10/2024 19:44

The OP may be a left wing bigot or lots of other things

The friend hasn't met her or interacted with her enough to even know that- she literally said she wont meet her at all and refuses to come to her house or allow her to come to hers. She only ever wants to meet the husband alone.

So, unless her husband has told his friend OP is a monster of epic proportions (in which case- why?) there is something fishy going on here and its far more likely to be an issue to do with the friend than the OP.

The bride simply has no manners.

The simplest explanation is often the most likely.

However the OP's husband isn't a keeper.

SerafinasGoose · 01/10/2024 20:00

Retiredfromearlyyears · 01/10/2024 18:44

The bride can ask who she likes,but, your husband should refuse his invitation. You are a couple and he should be supporting you in this. I'm of a different generation. I view things differently I guess. I would feel my other half was being 'slighted' if he weren't invited and I was. I have been in this position many years ago. I was asked through a third party if I would attend a wedding reception alone. I replied that since I was neither widowed nor divorced ,this option wouldn't work for me. I still sent a small ,token gift and a card wishing the couple well;from BOTH of us. My husband would do the same if the position was reversed. I think,This is more about how your husband responds to this situation, rather than the brides negative attitude towards you.

I'm with you as to the the last sentence of your post. This isn't a bridezilla problem; the problem is the husband.

I would have no issue with a lack of a wedding invitation from one of my DH's friends. I'm not fond of weddings and would be just as glad not to attend. There are also all manner of different reasons why invitations for a +1 might not be issued. This isn't something I'd even question, but given the OP's DH did question it, the response 'I can invite who I want' is unnecessarily aggressive. A very reasonable response to that assertion would have been that he could also decline any invitation he wanted.

No wonder OP was confused when he didn't. It's the bride's hostile attitude to OP and her husband's happy acquiescence and humouring of this attitude, particularly when he knows of his wife's discomfiture, that would be the dealbreaker for me.

Jumpers4goalposts · 01/10/2024 20:04

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to invite DH without inviting you. I don’t think she likes you and/or doesn’t consider you a friend. However I do think it’s unreasonable for your husband to not refuse the invite. The problem should be with DH not the bride and groom.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2024 20:13

As a PP said, do we know for sure that she hasnt invited you. Or that you havent been invited on other outings etc. If you have no contact with her, all you know is what you husband has told you.

OneWildBiscuit · 01/10/2024 20:21

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

How fucking RUDE! Your husband needs to grow a set and stop allowing her to treat you with such distain.

Ger1atricMillennial · 01/10/2024 20:24

YABU

If she never attends social events or invites you it is unreasonable to expect to be invited to her wedding just because of who you are married too. She doesn't like you (for reasons of her own) and I wouldn't want someone I didn't like at my wedding.

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