Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

[soundsys]

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

I see. And atm he's still going to the wedding?

I guess you've made a decision as to what you'll do if he does go?

So you are going to throw away your marriage because a friend has invited him to an event (which is basically what it is) and not you.

In that case, let him know now, so he can pack his bags, and tell everyone at the wedding his STBEW is divorcing him because she wasnt invited. That sounds so normal and not at all embarrassing.

If a man did that, he would be called controlling

I agree this is quite a marked case of spouse exclusion and can see why posters have suggested the bride fancies DH.

But, given his acquiescence in the way these invitations go, and his continued socialising with the bride, do we actually know the attraction runs in that direction and it isn’t in fact a case of DH fancying the bride and keeping op at arm’s length?

I struggle to think why he would have painted a negative picture of op ( or not pushed to bring her along to things) for any other reason. The only thing that makes me think it can’t be this is surely as he approaches the bride’s wedding he’d be giving up a bit?

But the whole thing sounds properly shabby. Everyone but op has acted poorly.

It is both weird and consistent, which makes it even weirder, do you have a history of getting drunk and gobby at weddings? I'd have a proper talk with your other half, I think.

SHE wants him!! She's jealous.

I've never been at a wedding with the couple who are getting married but no, no history of causing trouble!

As others say, the issue is with my husband.

To those saying we haven't socialised much in the past so why would I be invited, I think a wedding is a bit different than just going to the pub. It's weird to celebrate your wedding my disrespecting other people's marriages!

For context, we've been invited to another wedding a few weeks later which is an old friend of mine. She's met my husband 2 or 3 times and her husband to be has never met him, but he's still invited because I'm her friend and he's my husband!

When your husband is ready to leave to go to the hotel, could you breezily say “I’ll come with you to the hotel to help you all set up, I’m free today so happy to help” Then sit in his car! See what his reaction is, go with him and see what her reaction is….

For context, we've been invited to another wedding a few weeks later which is an old friend of mine. She's met my husband 2 or 3 times and her husband to be has never met him, but he's still invited because I'm her friend and he's my husband!

How would he feel if you went without him?

If a man did that, he would be called controlling

No he wouldn’t because OP wouldn’t be divorcing him because she wasn’t invited. She would be divorcing him because there’s a history of this type of behaviour on his friends’ part, and DH has gone along with it, up to and including attending this womans’ wedding alone, and staying in a hotel the night before, despite them living in the same city. She’d be divorcing him because he hasn’t got her back on this, and he should have. She’s worried about it, she doesn’t know why this woman doesn’t like her and I find it difficult to believe that her DH doesn’t - he just doesn’t want to say and is deflecting the blame back onto OP to avoid that conversation. He’s putting the wants and needs of his friend above that of his life partner and seems determined to attend her wedding on her terms no matter how much anxiety it causes his wife. That’s not acceptable.

If your husband does go to his friend’s wedding, please don’t take him to your friend’s wedding. Take a friend if the bride allows, or go alone.

But that’s just tit for tat. She needs to actually sort the issue with her DH, not just lob grenades back and forth.

A wedding is different op; you are right. And it’s even more different when it’s a large formal thing and your DH is intimately involved.

When is this wedding? And what are you going to do?

Agree with you and PPs, OP - this is definitely a husband problem. The fact that he's cheerily come back to you with "the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want" and expected you to suck it up is just horrible.

No advice, but I'd be very unhappy and concerned whether or not he now chooses to attend.

Why is it that women responding in kind is dismissed as ‘tit for tat’?

He’s the one lobbing the grenade, she shouldn’t just take it, as she’s already told him how she feels about him going to the wedding.

She's perfectly entitled to do it, but it's passive-aggressive and doesn't actually achieve anything for OP. He knows she's unhappy already. This won't undo him allowing her to be disrespected or unpick why the current situation is happening, or reveal what's behind it.

You've been snubbed big time. Is oh going to let it slide like a wet blanket or man up for you?

Exactly. I’ve been invited to weddings as DH’s Plus One, where I’ve never met the bride nor the groom! Very odd to exclude here.

Do you think letting him come to her friend’s wedding after he has gone to his friend’s wedding alone will make her happy?

It might just wake him up to how shitty it feels.

Honestly, a bloke like this, it doesn't sound like he'll give a shit. She needs to sit him down and ask him what the fuck he's playing at, not throw a "Well you're not coming to my birthday party either, then!" at him.

His attendance at her mate's wedding seems to be the least of OP's concerns.

So if he won’t give a shit then why have him at her friend’s wedding? It just sends the message that there’s one rule for him and one rule for her.

Sounds like she’s already talked to him and has set the boundary about him going his friend’s wedding.

Jesus wept, I'm not saying have him there. I'm saying it's not the key issue and I doubt it'll make him realise anything.

Won’t actually achieve anything though will it ? OP doesn’t know why she’s being excluded from the wedding, and is hurt that he clearly considers his attending the wedding alone more important than her feelings. There is also a question mark over previous history between DH and his ‘friend’ the bride. So lobbing this particular grenade is pointless. DH will know why he’s excluded and will absolutely see it as tit for tat. There’s no suggestion of impropriety between OP and her friends’ STBH so why would he care ?

You really don’t know that. Only OP knows if he’ll hate being excluded.

As I said, he has thrown the hand grenade. It’s nothing to do with impropriety, it’s up to Op whether she wants him there or not. I wouldn’t want him there, Op is free to make up her own mind.

But I really hate that a woman responding in kind is called ‘tit for tat’, implying she’s childish.

A response in kind does not a marriage make. Grown up issues demand grown up solutions. The DH is spectacularly disrespecting the OP. She needs to find out why in order to understand what the hell is going on in her marriage.