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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not inviting someone's wife to a wedding

729 replies

soundsys · 30/09/2024 08:57

Sorry, it's a wedding one! And it's a bit long so as not to drip feed.

Husband has been invited to his (female) friend's wedding. He's been asked to be a witness and to arrive the day before, stay over in a hotel and "help set up". The wedding is in the city where both couples live. I haven't been invited. We've been married more than a decade and no falling out/backstory between me and the bride to be that I'm aware of.

YANBU - that's fucking weird
YABU - it's totally normal to not invite someone's long standing spouse to your wedding

Additional info: I did ask DH if it had come up that I'm not invited and he said the bride said "it's my wedding and I'll invite who I want"

Further additional info: bride to be has been invited to many social events we've hosted as a couple but has always declined to attend, preferring to only meet my husband on his own. He has been invited to many social events by bride to be and her future husband but I have never been included

OP posts:
Artymax · 01/10/2024 17:57

What's he gonna say when someone asks 'where's your wife?' how embarrassing if he says she was not invited! Is he going to take another friend or relative as wedding invites are normally for 2 people.

Mikey87 · 01/10/2024 18:04

There is definitely more to the story than this. When people tell their side of a story they rarely want to put themselves in a bad light.

Coco2024 · 01/10/2024 18:04

Wow this is so weird I must say
esp as it’s clearly been a long term issue for the bride to not invite you
and to not attend things you’ve invited herbtob

GabriellaFaith · 01/10/2024 18:05

Just playing devil's advocate... Do you KNOW she hasn't invited you, or has hubby just told you that?

Walthamsmumsy · 01/10/2024 18:06

Forget the reasons why, you are a couple so you are a team, you both go or you both don't go, it's a simple as that in my view, I've come across some friends and I don't like their partner but they are together so they get the invite together or they don't.

Flumpi · 01/10/2024 18:09

I’m usually firmly in the “invite/don’t who you want because it’s your wedding and have it exactly how you want” camp.

but it does sound a lot like she doesn’t like you, for whatever reason that may be

DoubleMM · 01/10/2024 18:11

if she values her friendship with this woman's husband maybe she shld try to make coming to her wedding more pleasant for him? but then maybe that is what she thinks she is doing? has he led her to believe that he likes the single life?

Figleafpants · 01/10/2024 18:15

MrsMertonandMalcolm · 01/10/2024 09:17

Hang on, in over ten years the OP hasn't been to anything that this woman has been to, and now she's upset that she hasn't been asked to the wedding...she must have seen that one coming.

He has a friend who, from what we can make out, probably doesn't like his wife. He may know the reason why. He may be keeping that from his wife. Whatever the situation, it changes nothing. All we know with any certainty from what the OP has said is that her husband has a friend who goes to great lengths to avoid her. Some may say she's being snubbed, but they'd have a lot more to say if the OP had come on here saying "my husband has a friend who doesn't like me and every time we meet up it's an absolute bit*h-fest. This has been going on for over a decade".

But no. Friend keeps her distance from someone, and still can't win. Frankly, OP should be relieved not to have been invited to something she knows she isn't welcome to attend.

As for loyalties, you can be loyal to more than one person. If friend was being a bit*h to the OP and husband was allowing it, then I could understand the problem. But that's not the case here. I think the fact that the OP expected an invite at all is actually very telling.

Show quote history

Completely disagree with this. The very fact the friend is snubbing the OP deliberately, has done in the past and cant even make any effort to even meet her at any event IS bitchy. I dont know how you can see it any other way apart from nasty. She wont even entertain meeting her at anything - why on earth would you do that to someone that for no reason unless you are in fact, being bitchy.

She hasn't even given her a chance! I dont particularly like my best friend's husband but I at least gave him the courtesy of getting to know him before I made that decision and I wouldnt exclude him deliberately because I care about my friend and he is her choice of partner. I respect that he's her choice, not mine and she loves him.

If you go around refusing to meet the spouses of your friends with the only reason being "because I want to" then you come across as petty and bitchy. Sorry!

Cattyisbatty · 01/10/2024 18:19

i have a male friend- longstanding- and his wife never comes to my parties etc. we invite her but she never attends.
there is backstory but it’s from nearly 30 years ago, so ridiculous. No affair or anything like that.
We go to their functions as a couple and she says hi but isn’t really interested.

Whatinthedoopla · 01/10/2024 18:19

YANBU

TheAquaMentor · 01/10/2024 18:22

This happened to me , with his sister's wedding we had been married 5 years , he still went i was 6 months pregnant, he came back early evening and said you have been invited to the evening, uuuummmm no! i had a great night watching tv
dont put up with it , your worth more , if he goes that shows where his loyalty lies

Platypuslover · 01/10/2024 18:28

Wondering if for her your dh he is the one that got away?

Omgblueskys · 01/10/2024 18:33

Op surely your h needs to decline this to show his loyalty and respect to you and if he does go can he not just attend on the day and leave early? Why the hotel the night before, whys he not supporting you

Platypuslover · 01/10/2024 18:34

I’d also probably speak with the groom obvs without the bride. The staying in a hotel
the day before seems odd. You know maybe if you 2 have a quiet chat I suspect there may be no wedding.

laraitopbanana · 01/10/2024 18:34

So there is a backstory. She ALWAYS has been rude 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am baffled that your husband would accept to be part of her day and as a special guest nonetheless. That would bother me that my husband knows a woman that don’t think she has to include me…that would bother him aswell. I mean if they were besties from their childhood yes but otherwise 😓

red flag red flag red flag.

MelodyFinch · 01/10/2024 18:35

I would turn this into a win. Make a lovely plan with girlie mates, drinks, dinner shopping. Or your choice. It’s a better look than getting all insecure. We probably would want our old friends without their unknown partners but we are too polite to say so.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 01/10/2024 18:44

The bride can ask who she likes,but, your husband should refuse his invitation. You are a couple and he should be supporting you in this. I'm of a different generation. I view things differently I guess. I would feel my other half was being 'slighted' if he weren't invited and I was. I have been in this position many years ago. I was asked through a third party if I would attend a wedding reception alone. I replied that since I was neither widowed nor divorced ,this option wouldn't work for me. I still sent a small ,token gift and a card wishing the couple well;from BOTH of us. My husband would do the same if the position was reversed. I think,This is more about how your husband responds to this situation, rather than the brides negative attitude towards you.

RightAngIe · 01/10/2024 18:47

Maybe she just wants to literally invite her friends and that's it.

Notimeforaname · 01/10/2024 18:47

Yes this is weird and would bother me too but the only chance you have of possibly getting an answer, is asking her directly what her issue is.
If you don't plan on doing that, then I would just accept that this is how it is.

For your husband, same thing.
Unless you plan on giving him an ultimatum about going/not going, or you want to argue every time they socialise without you, you need to accept it and try not to think about her.

But, if this is a total deal breaker for you and you cant live with it, then your only other option is to break up because your husband isn't actually doing anything "wrong".
And you would be controlling and abusive if you tried to stop him seeing her. I'm not suggesting you are or will do that!

Just, you have no other options left other than to let it be an issue for the rest of your lives.

BooBooDoodle · 01/10/2024 18:49

Poor form and poor form regarding your DH not questioning it in the first place and sounding like he’s going to go anyway when you’re not invited. I would kick off and create merry hell if this was me and my DH wouldn’t be going. We are either both invited or not at all. Something smells off with this.

SashaPicklepops · 01/10/2024 18:53

Rude, disrespectful and downright unkind, YNBU at all. I hope your hubby has declined invite, he absolutely must. The bride sounds horrible. She definitely is jealous and resentful of your existence, ulterior motives are at play here.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2024 18:53

MelodyFinch · 01/10/2024 18:35

I would turn this into a win. Make a lovely plan with girlie mates, drinks, dinner shopping. Or your choice. It’s a better look than getting all insecure. We probably would want our old friends without their unknown partners but we are too polite to say so.

But what does it even matter if she looks insecure?
This is her marriage; she isn’t putting on a show to anyone. It’s about reality not image.

DiduAye · 01/10/2024 18:54

Yanbu

Notimeforaname · 01/10/2024 18:54

Poor form and poor form regarding your DH not questioning it in the first place and sounding like he’s going to go anyway when you’re not invited

The husband did question it and was basically told "I'll.invite who I want".

I agree it's not a nice thing to do but if a bride had told me the same thing, I wouldn't question it further either.

Of course there are no guarantees husband is even telling the truth but if he was..

Notimeforaname · 01/10/2024 18:56

I would kick off and create merry hell if this was me and my DH wouldn’t be going. We are either both invited or not at all. Something smells off with this.

How would you stop your husband from going, without being abusive?